


Trust Fall

by miss_tatiana



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Alcoholism, F/F, F/M, Foster Care, Friends to Lovers, Human AU, M/M, Modern AU, Mutual Pining, Past Abuse, Past Drug Use, Slow Burn, Trauma, a lot of heavy stuff but also a lot of fluff, a lot of hurt/comfort, completely ! in denial of ep 26, everyone in the m9 is lgbt, its a trauma support group au :'), they just all love each other a lot, they just... all have a lot of problems, tws/content warnings on chapters w that content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-13
Updated: 2018-09-24
Packaged: 2019-06-09 20:20:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 29
Words: 48,066
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15275424
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/miss_tatiana/pseuds/miss_tatiana
Summary: The sign was drawn up on printer paper in neat handwriting, with multi-colored markers. The letters, and the little heart decorating the empty corner of the page, were all faded by sun, and the tape was peeling in a way that told Caleb it had been on the door for a long time. His eyes fell on the words “support” and “trauma” and “LGBT”, all scrawled neatly in faded highlighter.-when he can't deal with things on his own anymore, caleb finds himself at a ragtag support group filled with people who need help just as bad as he does. through them, he learns to trust again.





	1. 1

**Author's Note:**

> updates fridays mondays and wednesdays !

“Can I sit with you? In there?” 

The soft, squeaky voice pulled Caleb out of his thoughts. He blinked, his eyes finding a woman who looked a bit older than he was, and a lot smaller. She looked too thin, and worry sprang to his mind, even though he didn’t know her. “Sure. Yes.” He turned his attention back to the door. 

“It’s just- I haven’t gone to- this is my first time here,” the woman continued, tugging at a strand of her hair, “and I get- nervous about things like this.” She was edging closer to him, and followed his gaze to the door. 

Caleb chanced another look down at her, and then back at the piece of printer paper taped to the door. The sign was drawn up in neat handwriting, with multi-colored markers. The letters, and the little heart decorating the empty corner of the page, were all faded by sun, and the tape was peeling in a way that told him it had been on the door for a long time. His eyes fell on the words “support” and “trauma” and “LGBT”, all scrawled neatly in faded highlighter. “I don’t know if I should be here,” he muttered. 

“What?” The woman looked up at him. “Wait, no- I don’t want to go in alone.” 

“I’m sorry.” Caleb shook his head. “A support group is a lot, though, I don’t know if I can…” He couldn’t even find words to finish the sentence. “Sorry.” Before he could leave the building and pretend he’d never gone inside, though, he heard footsteps on the stairs. 

A young woman rounded the corner, pulling sunglasses off her eyes and sticking them in her hair. She was carrying boxes and her purse and her phone, balancing them in one arm to push her hair out of her eyes. It was dyed a bright, electric blue, and drew attention to the woman very well. “Hi, I know I’m late,” she said. “The door is always unlocked, you can go in.” 

“Can I hold something for you?” Caleb offered, because it looked like she was struggling a little, and because he didn’t want to be the first one through the door. 

“Sure! Thanks.” The woman passed both of her boxes to him and gave him a look. “I haven’t seen you guys here before.” 

“Well, we…” Caleb looked down at the small woman, who was standing almost behind him. 

She gave him a shrug and said, “Yeah, we haven’t really been here before.”

Caleb nodded. 

“Oh, yay! I’m Jester, I started this group.” She pulled the door open, and smiled at the chorus of greetings from inside the room. “Come on!” 

Caleb watched her go in and stood in the doorway. He exchanged another glance with the small woman. “I’m Caleb,” he whispered. The boxes were warm in his hands. 

“Nott,” she whispered back, and they stepped into the room together. 

It was a little overwhelming. Caleb heard the door close behind him, and listened as a chatter sprung up between the occupants of the room that filled it to the windows. A woman jumped up off the couch to grab the boxes from him and threw them down on the table. Jester bent down so someone sitting on the couch could kiss her cheek. It was a lot of talking, a lot of movement, a lot of interaction. 

Jester circled back to Caleb and Nott, who were still standing by the door. “Are you going to come sit down? You need to meet everyone.” 

Caleb cleared his throat and didn’t say anything. He wasn’t sure why he was freezing up like this. 

Jester was looking at him, waiting for him to move or talk or do anything. 

“We’d love to,” Nott said, and she discreetly took Caleb’s hand, and followed Jester over to the couches with him. 

Caleb looked at her, hoping eye contact was enough to thank her. 

“Okay, so,” Jester took a seat, turning her big smile back to them and patting the couch next to her, “I’m Jester, which I already said.”

“Caleb.” Caleb gave her a nod. 

“I’m Nott,” Nott said quietly. 

“Beau.” The woman who’d taken the boxes lifted a hand in greeting from where she sprawled across half a couch on the other side of the coffee table. “Hi.” 

“I’m Molly, and this is Yasha,” said the person sitting on the arm of the armchair before gesturing to the woman sitting in it. 

The man occupying the other half of Beau’s couch stood and came around the table to shake both Caleb and Nott’s hands. He had a firm grim and a warm smile and he introduced himself as Fjord. After he went back to his seat, Nott’s small hand found Caleb’s again. 

Once everyone had settled in and passed around the contents of the boxes - scones - Jester leaned forward, chin on her hands, towards Caleb and Nott. “So? Who are you guys?” 

After a moment of silence in which Caleb could feel Nott’s fingernails dig into his hand, Molly said, “Alright, that’s a bit existential. Way to frighten them off, love. Here- what pronouns do you go by?” He nodded at the two, making sure they knew he rescued them from floundering in front of Jester’s question. He turned to Yasha. “See, that’s an opener.” 

That was an easy question, it was a surface question. One that Caleb could answer. “He and him,” he said, and then, because maybe he just hadn’t heard enough words out of Molly’s mouth to tell where he was from yet, he added, “What about you?”

“Oh.” Molly scoffed. “It varies. Mostly same as you, though.” He flashed a smile.

Caleb nodded, and tried to look away. 

After a moment of silence, Nott explained through lots of stammering that she went by she/her, and asked what they did here. 

Jester clasped her hands together. “Well, so- I started it a year ago, and-”

“Two,” Fjord corrected. 

Jester’s eyebrows flew up. “Two? Oh my goodness. I started it two years ago because everyone has support groups but I knew I would feel the most comfortable in one for only people in the LGBT community. And so I looked into it, and there wasn’t one in the city, so I was like, hey, I can start one! And I did. Here.” 

“And that was absolutely not the question she asked,” Molly said, a smug smile on his face.

“Oh, right, what do we do…” Jester sighed. “It was more structured when it started-” 

“We hang out and talk shit,” Beau interrupted, shrugging. “That’s literally all we do and it’s the best part of my week. Like, we’re all gay and fucked up and what are the two things gay fucked up people can’t stop talking about? Being gay and fucked up.”

“I mean, you can technically talk about that anywhere, but here you can do it with no questions asked,” Jester elaborated. 

“Also-” Beau continued. “If I say anything, like, that doesn’t sit well with you or whatever happened to you, tell me. I talk a fucking ton, so just, if I say something that messes you up, tell me, and I won’t do it again.” 

Fjord nodded. “That goes for everyone, I think. We all know what not to say to each other, and we’ll get there with you two too, but you gotta tell us first. That sound fair?”

“That sounds more than fair,” Nott said, looking up to Caleb, who nodded. “That’s not an offer you get everywhere, huh?”

“It should be,” Molly said with a sigh. 

“It should be!” Nott repeated, her voice cracking a little. 

Their conversation strayed from topic to topic, Caleb not contributing much. He had a habit of studying people rather than talking, and that habit kicked into high gear in the several hours that passed. He noticed that Nott seemed a lot less stressed after an hour of talking with people who agreed with her, to the point where she let go of his hand, and even pushed a little bit of her hair out of her eyes. He pieced together people’s stories based on what they disclosed in conversation - Jester was no longer suicidal except on really bad days; Molly hasn’t gone to the hospital since his accident, whatever that was; Beau refuses to talk to her family - and what he could tell from the way they sat and talked - Beau wouldn’t put her back to the door; Yasha only talked when asked something; Fjord’s hand kept going subconsciously to the scar that passed through one of his eyebrows. 

And they were all so close. That was what struck Caleb the hardest, above the hints they gave about their damage, above which people they were soft with and which they were callous with. They knew each other cover to cover. He couldn’t think of anyone who knew him that well, not counting his cat. 

After a while, Fjord glanced down at his watch, then over to Nott and Caleb. “If either of y’all actually wanted to talk about… stuff that people normally discuss at support groups, now would be the time. We have about fifteen minutes before we’re clearing out.” 

Nott looked up at Caleb, and she was smiling. “I mean, the point of talking about that stuff is to feel better but I’m feeling- I’m feeling pretty good right now.” 

“Yeah.” Caleb gave her a nod, because she looked like she was waiting for him to confirm what she said. “Yeah, the energy in here is really good.” He regretted saying that the moment it was out, because it sounded too new age and dorky, but it was true. There was a solidly happy and trusting feel to the room. 

The statement made Molly snort and pinch the bridge of his nose between two fingers, and it made a huge smile spring up onto Jester’s face. 

And Caleb was smiling too, he couldn’t hide it. These people - some of them, at least - were infectiously good natured. 

They all helped Jester pack up the leftover scones and made sure the room was as they found it. Jester pulled a sheet of paper out of a notebook she produced from her purse, and after writing her phone number on it she passed it around the group so they could do the same. Molly ignored it in favor of scrawling his number across Caleb’s arm, and Nott’s palm. When they were done, Jester handed the paper to Caleb, who held it out so Nott could take a picture. 

Caleb folded it up and tucked it into his pocket, thanking them all. 

“Hey, if you guys shoot me a text I’ll add you to the group chat,” Beau said, pulling out her phone. 

“Am I still blocked from that?” Molly asked her, trying to see what was on her screen over her shoulder. 

“I don’t think so.” Beau pushed him away. 

“No, you are,” Fjord promised. “You definitely are.” 

Beau squinted at them both. “I’ll add you back in tonight if you don’t do anything to piss me off by then.”

“Breaking news,” Molly muttered, “Beau is the worst, as always.”

“Eat ass,” she shot back. 

Caleb followed their faux argument as it bounced between them. He hadn’t found a place it was easy to smile at in a while, so it was nice. He moved with the group towards the door. 

Jester threw a hand out towards them. “Wait, I almost forgot- Nott, just us girls always go out for something to eat or drink after group. Do you want to come?”

“Um-” Nott winced, turned it over in her mind. “I’d love to, it sounds really nice, but…” She sighed. “I think I’m going to have to stick with Caleb?” She looked up at him, then back to Jester. “Sorry. Maybe next time, it sounds lovely. Sorry.” 

“Oh, no, it’s totally fine! You guys have fun.” Jester gave them an enormous smile, played a few moments of a ‘please, after you’ game with Fjord by the doorframe, and eventually headed out. 

Beau gave each Caleb and Nott a punch on the arm, and Yasha gave them both a nod. Molly not so much kissed them on the cheek, but bumped his jaw against theirs. In moments, they were standing alone in the hallway. 

“You don’t have to stay with me,” Caleb said quietly. “You should go have fun with Jester.”

“No, I feel like I owe you,” Nott told him, as they started to walk slowly towards the parking lot. Guilt was heavy on her words. “I didn’t know it was your first time coming here, or I wouldn’t have asked you to stick with me. I’m sorry.” 

“No, no-” Caleb tried to assure her quickly. “Thank you for doing that, I would have gone into it alone otherwise. I appreciate it.”

“Really?”

“Yeah.” Caleb gave her a smile. “Do you actually want to spend time with me? You don’t have to.” 

“I mean, yes,” Nott said. “Definitely. I don’t feel like going home yet.”

“Do you want to come by my place?” Caleb offered, right before remembering that he hadn’t cleaned it up yet this week, and it probably looked like shit. 

“Do you have anything to drink there?” she asked. 

“Probably nothing good, but yes.” He always kept more than a bit of alcohol around, just in case. 

“Alright, great. I’ll follow you out of the parking lot so you can show me the way.” The apologetic tone was gone, and Nott was smiling again. 

Caleb just sort of trailed behind her as she walked to her car. “I walked,” he said. 

“Oh, hop in then. I’ll give you a ride.” Nott messed with the keys of the old beat up black sedan for a few moments before they worked. 

They rode in silence for a few minutes, only breaking it so Caleb could give her a direction, and then Nott murmured, “You think you’ll go back next week?” Before he could answer her, she added, “If you won’t that’s fine, but I still want to see you, just… just saying.” 

“No, I think I will.” If Caleb said it out loud to her, then he’d have to go even if when the time came he wanted to back out. “I don’t know if it’ll help, but it’s good anyway. I don’t have a lot of good things right now.” 

“You can say that again,” Nott told him under her breath, and she pulled into the parking lot of his apartment building. She followed him up a few flights of stairs and into his apartment. 

“Sorry it’s a little messy,” Caleb said, and he flicked on the lights. He couldn’t see his cat anywhere, which wasn’t surprising. Frumpkin liked to roam, and Caleb wasn’t going to stop him because he knew the cat would always come home. 

It was more than a little messy. There were books on every surface, papers piled around and on top of them. There was a basket full of laundry he hadn’t taken down to the washroom yet, and the sink was full of dirty dishes. 

Nott smiled up at him, a smile he was starting to get attached to, and said, “Better than my place.” 


	2. 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw alcohol i suppose

They were more than a few drinks in, and Nott was dealing with the liquor a lot better than Caleb thought she would. In his previous experience, the smaller someone was, the lower tolerance they had, but she was four drinks in and talking almost clearly. She also hadn’t made a comment on the shit quality of the whiskey yet, so she was holding onto some manners along with the appearance of sobriety. 

Caleb was drinking much slower than she was, but he could tell that he was definitely getting inebriated. He wished he’d had something to eat before, because he always got drunk quicker on an empty stomach. 

The conversation so far had been mostly harmless. Pleasantries. Getting to know one another. Caleb discovered that Nott lived about a half hour away, and that she had grown up in England before moving to the states with her family right before her thirteenth birthday. It was a light talk. 

And then Nott poured herself a little more whiskey, and asked him, “So, can you tell me why you need a support group? Just- just because as part of that group I want to know, so I can help you better.” 

Caleb raised an eyebrow. Now the alcohol was showing in her words, in the way she was smiling a little even over a serious topic. 

She shook her head quickly. “If you don’t want to you don’t have to. Just- yeah, don’t say anything if it’s still bad to talk about.” 

“No, it is fine.” Caleb set his glass down on the table and leaned back in his chair. He took a deep breath, let it out. There was really no way to say what he’d done, he was finding, the more he tried to talk to people about it. He found himself grinding his teeth, and bit his lip to make himself stop. “There was a fire,” he finally said, in a voice much weaker than he’d hoped it would be. “There was- a fire.”

Nott nodded slowly. “Thanks for telling me.” 

“There’s more-” Caleb began, and then his words caught in his throat. 

“Hey, it’s fine if you can’t say.” Nott looked into her drink. “It’s like that sometimes. And you just met me today.” 

He wanted to tell her. He wanted to tell her so bad, not just because he trusted her and wanted her to trust him too, but because eventually he’d have to tell someone, just to get it out, and why not tell someone he liked? But his throat was too tight to breathe, let alone to speak, so it would remain unsaid for another day. He swallowed the rest of his whiskey. 

“For me it was prison,” Nott said in her little voice after a while. “Prison fucks you up pretty bad.” 

“Yeah?” Caleb didn’t want to push her, but he wanted to get the attention off himself, if possible. 

“Um-” Her fingers were tapping a frenzied, nervous rhythm on the table. “Yeah.” She cleared her throat. “I mean, it was my fault, it was on me, so- I’m always getting into trouble and it makes sense that it would catch up with me. But it was only three years, and it’s over now, so…” 

“Three years?” Caleb turned to her, eyes wide. He didn’t have a really comprehensive understanding of the justice system, and it was often judged objectively so he would have to know specifics, but three years seemed like a lot. 

“I had a shitty lawyer,” Nott told him, and laughed for a second or two before the panic lit back up in her eyes. 

Caleb bit his lip. He wished she wouldn’t look so scared, not here, because he wasn’t sure what he could do to help. “Is there anything I can do?”

“No, it was my fault,” she said firmly. She sighed, sniffed, rubbed her eyes with the back of her hand. “If I was a different person, things might be different, but… it was on me.”

Caleb poured himself another drink, and topped hers off. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“Nope, no, no, not at all.” Nott shook her head, lips pressed into a thin line on her face. “No. Sorry.”

Caleb shrugged. “It’s fine, I just want to help.” 

“You’re really sweet,” Nott said, wiping her eyes again, “for a guy I met a few hours ago.” She held her hand out over the table. 

Caleb took it. There was something calming about being with Nott, despite how tense she was. He wanted to spend more time with her, he wanted to look after her. He was selfish, too- he wished he’d met her a lot earlier, because he could have used someone like her to help him through the shit he did. 

They finished their drinks in silence. 

After a few minutes of staring into an empty glass, Nott cleared her throat. “I should be, uh… I should be heading home.” 

Caleb looked up at her. “I can’t let you drive.” 

“What? You think you’re doing any better?” Nott ran her hands over her face. “Sorry, we’re just both smashed. I’m good at driving drunk, though, I promise.” 

“I’m not going to let you drive like this,” Caleb said, and he took both their glasses along with the empty bottle of whiskey and dropped them on the countertop. “DUI’s are serious, okay?” He could feel his words slur as they left his lips, and he almost laughed, because he was preaching sobriety while drunker than he’d been in more than a month. 

Nott dug her teeth into her bottom lip. “No, you’re right. You’re right. Sorry.”

Caleb sighed. “Stay here with me tonight, alright?”

“I don’t know you.” Nott was squinting at him. 

“I swear to you that I won’t let anything happen to you, and that I’ll take the couch if you want my bed,” Caleb promised. He didn’t know what the fuck was going on with him. It wasn’t the alcohol, because he’d been too trusting ever since meeting Nott. The more he talked to her, the more time he spent with her, the more he wanted to know her better. She had a good energy, a really nice vibe that sat well with him, and not many people’s did. 

Nott looked at him so hard she could be trying to see through him. “I’ll take the couch,” she said finally. “Thanks.” 

Caleb gave her his extra blanket and made sure she was settled in before stumbling to his room. He closed his door, pulled off a few layers of clothes, and fell into bed. He wished, just like he wished every night, that he’d wake up back in time. 


	3. 3

Caleb woke to the whistle of his tea kettle and the throbbing headache of a hangover. He rolled over in bed, trying to find a spot where the sun wouldn’t hit him. After taking a few deep breaths and kidding himself into thinking he’d feel better if he moved, he pushed himself up and out of bed. He closed his eyes and waited until he was a little less dizzy before slowly finding his way out to the kitchen. 

He was initially shocked to see someone else by his stove, but that would explain the kettle, and he slowly remembered bits and pieces of last night.

“Hi,” Nott said softly. “What do you take in your coffee?”

“Um-” Caleb rubbed his eyes. “Just milk, please.” 

She passed the mug to him. “Thanks for letting me crash with you.” 

“Well, I wasn’t going to let you drive that hammered,” Caleb said, getting his bearings in the kitchen and trying to think past his headache. He shook some food into a bowl and set it on the floor for when Frumpkin found his way home. 

Nott watched him curiously but didn’t ask him about it, and held out a flask to him. “Hair of the dog?”

“That doesn’t actually work,” he told her, but he took it and dumped some of the liquor into his mug. He brought his coffee over to his couch and sat down, trying to work out the kinks in his back and neck by rolling his shoulders. “If you need to leave, don’t let me keep you.”

“It’s Saturday,” Nott replied, sitting down next to him. “I don’t have to do anything.” She took a sip of her coffee. “Oh, but if you need to go out, or to just- to be alone, I can-” 

“No, I was going to go downtown for a bit of shopping, but it can wait.” Caleb realized that he didn’t want to be alone. It was hard for him to get to know people, which he blamed on the fact that he’d been through a lot, but Nott seemed to have skipped the getting to know him bit and gone straight to being close, which suited him fine. She was easy to talk to, it was easy to make her smile. Best of all, she seemed to like him, which took the pressure of getting her to deem him worth spending time on off him. “Do you have someone to get back to?”

Nott shook her head firmly. “No, definitely not.” She huffed a little laugh. “No.”

“Sorry,” he said. 

“Don’t be.” She dumped some more liquor out of her flask and into her mug. “Relationships haven’t tended to work out for me in the past. I think I’m best on my own.” 

“That’s fair.” Her words resonated with Caleb a little too much. He cleared his throat, and couldn’t think of anything else to say. 

They finished their coffee in mostly silence, exchanging a few trivial words now and then, before Caleb set his mug down on the table and leaned back into the couch. He knew his headache would be gone shortly - if only for a few hours - so he decided to wait to do anything else until it faded.

Nott brought both mugs over to the sink and rinsed them out before coming back to the couch and tucking herself up on it. She held her knees to her chest and leaned against Caleb, tentatively at first but then with more confidence and with her full weight, which wasn’t much. 

Caleb sat still until his head had cleared, and then a little longer, because he was hesitant to disturb Nott. She seemed comfortable with him, which people never did, and he didn’t want to make her move. 

Eventually, she asked him what he was going downtown for. 

“Books. I got a call yesterday that they had the ones I was looking for, so I’m going to head down and pick them up,” Caleb explained. 

Nott glanced around the apartment. “Don’t you have enough?” 

She had a point- most all of his countertop space and table space was occupied by stacks of books. He’d had shelves at one point, but they’d long since been filled. “Well, they’re all different books,” he defended. “The ones I’m getting are antiques.” 

“And these aren’t?”

Another good point. “So maybe I have a bit of a habit,” Caleb said. “So what?”

“So nothing.” Nott shrugged. “You do you. But you do have a lot of books.” 

“Books are good,” he said simply. 

They eventually pulled themselves up off the couch and headed towards the door. 

“Let me give you a ride,” Nott told him, pulling her shoes on. 

“It’s not far,” Caleb protested. “I can bike.” He wouldn’t say it, but it felt really good to have someone offer him help. But he knew better than to take advantage of kindness, so he had to turn her down. 

“Caleb, kiddo, please,” Nott said, pulling her sweater tighter around her before opening the door. “The least I can do is give you a ride.” She looked down as an orange cat brushed against her leg as it came down the hallway towards the apartment. “Oh, is this your cat?”

“Yes.” Caleb knelt down and held out his hands, but Frumpkin seemed much more interested in mushing his face into Nott’s calf. He shook his head slightly in disbelief. Frumpkin wasn’t by anyone’s definition a friendly cat, or an outgoing cat, but here he was, cuddling up to Nott. Caleb sighed. “I’ll actually take that ride, I think.” 

Nott smiled, leaned down to give Frumpkin a pat on the head, and gestured down the hallway and stairs towards the building’s exit. “Let’s head out then, yeah?”

“Yeah,” Caleb repeated. He picked Frumpkin up and put him inside the apartment before closing the door and following Nott down to the parking lot. 

Nott rambled on about this and that as she drove into town, again following Caleb’s directions. She could go forever on a topic that interested her, and she did, and the topic was jewelry. When Caleb asked her why she didn’t wear more if she fancied it so much, she replied by gesturing to her nose ring and saying, “This is all I really need. I just want more. I don’t know if I’d even wear it, it’s just… nice.” 

Caleb nodded. He didn’t fully understand it- things for luxury were nice but not necessary, and he couldn’t see himself paying for anything he wouldn’t use. 

Nott parked downtown and walked with Caleb to the antique shop. “I think I’m going to leave you to it now. Call me if you need a ride back.” 

“I don’t want to take your time-” Caleb began.

“It’s Saturday. I have all the time in the world.” Nott gave him a shrug. “I’d love to give you a ride back, if you want one.” 

“I don’t need one,” Caleb insisted.

“Right,” Nott said slowly, like she was going to try to explain something to him. “But if you want one, give me a call.” 

Caleb blinked, letting her words sink in. Finally, he said, “I don’t have your number.”

Nott held out a hand until he put his phone in it, and she typed something in. “Now you do.” She gave it back and patted his arm. “Really, please call.” She gave him a thumbs up, and headed back to her car. 

Caleb watched her go, then when he lost her in the sea of weekend city goers, he looked down at his phone, at the new contact in it. It said her name, Nott, and the emoji that was a little explosion. He loved it. 

Looking at that, he remembered the piece of paper in yesterday’s pants, the one with all the numbers from the support group. He figured he should get around to dealing with that when he got home, but he wasn’t going to let it stay on his mind now. He had books to pick up. 


	4. 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> beau and molly r the ultimate wlw/mlm solidarity

“It’s been almost a full twenty-four hours,” Molly said, glaring at his phone, “and that new guy has yet to text me. I wrote my number on his arm with a sharpie and he hasn’t…” His voice trailed off and he shook his head. 

“Uh, maybe because you’re an intolerable piece of shit?” Beau offered. She tried to see him over her shoulder, but as their backs were together she couldn’t get at the right angle. She gave up and looked down at her own phone. 

“I absolutely am, but-” Molly shrugged. “It was in sharpie.” 

“Maybe he doesn’t want to talk to you because-” 

“Actually, don’t start,” Molly interrupted, a grin spreading across his face. “I’m not taking shit from the dumbass who’s pining after my brick wall of a best friend.” 

Beau blew a stray piece of hair out of her face. “I am not pining.” 

“She’s not going to notice unless you say it right to her face,” Molly told her. He reached over his shoulder and patted Beau on the head. 

“You’ve seen me try to talk to her,” Beau muttered. “That’s not going to happen.”

Molly turned around so he could put his legs in her lap. Whenever she’d let him stay, he was at her house; her bed was much more comfortable than his. “At least you’re being honest with yourself.” 

“Why don’t you just drop hints that she should like… I don’t know.” Beau was going red. “Like, take me out, or something. I don’t know.” She rubbed her face with a hand, and opened her eyes to see Molly smiling at her. “Fuck off.”

“Listen,” he said, unable to stop grinning. “I could drop all the hints I wanted to and there’s no guarantee she’ll pick them up. You’ve got to be sort of literal with her.”

“Yeah, English isn’t her first language, I know.” Beau sighed. 

Molly snorted. “I wasn’t going to say that, you guys are just both dumbasses.” He pulled his legs up to his chest before Beau could push them off her lap. “You’re really gay, you know that?”

“Yeah, I know, and I’m a fucking idiot too.” Beau sighed. “Oh, hey, he texted me. I’m going to add him to the group chat.” 

Molly grabbed her phone. “He texted you and not me?”

“Fuck you,” Beau muttered, punching his arm. “Give me my phone back.” 

Molly tossed it to her and rubbed his arm where she’d hit it. “So sue me, I want to know why he’d text you first when I wrote my number on his arm-”

“-In permanent marker, I know,” Beau grumbled. “It’s because I told him I’d add him to the chat.” 

“Will you add me back in then?” Molly asked in his sweetest voice. “Beau, I did your hair today, I painted your nails-” 

“Only because Jester is visiting her mom so you couldn’t paint hers,” Beau told him. 

“You’re not wrong.” Molly sighed. “Listen, that guy looked like he could use a friend. Give me his number so I can take him out somewhere.”

“Going out with you is just getting hammered and doing karaoke,” Beau said.

“Which is always a great time. Can you think of two better things to do on a Saturday night? And you can’t say Yasha.” He grinned at her. 

Beau dragged her hand down her face. “Literally fuck off. I’ll send you his number, hold on.” 

Once Molly got the number from Beau, he tried to give her a kiss goodbye and got pushed off the bed before heading out of her apartment to his car. He waited until he was stuck in a good amount of traffic to call Caleb. 

He smiled at the accent that covered Caleb’s questioning greeting, a little, “Hello?” that would have made Molly grin even without the German all over it. 

“Hi,” Molly said, angling his rear view mirror so he could see how bad the traffic was behind him. “It’s me, Molly. From group. Remember me?”

After a bit of silence, Caleb said, “Um- yes.” 

“Listen, everyone wants to get to know you,” Molly said, switching lanes, “but I’m going to borrow you first so Beau doesn’t snatch you up and turn you against me.” He chuckled. “How does tonight sound for something?”

“What kind of something?” Caleb sounded apprehensive. 

Molly shook his head to himself. “A drink, a chat, I don’t know. Is it that bad I want to be your friend?”

“Sorry, I just- it wasn’t clear.” 

“No, my bad.” Molly held the phone to his ear with his shoulder to flip off the car that had just cut him off. “If you keep going to group you’re going to have to deal with a lot of people trying to make friends with you. I’m just getting a head start, because you look like you haven’t had fun in too long and I’m not going to let any friend of mine stay home on a Saturday night.”

“You don’t know me,” Caleb said. 

“But I want to,” Molly replied, and he sighed. “Look, if you don’t feel like going out tonight you can absolutely just tell me. I won’t get pissed at you. I’ll be a little disappointed, maybe, but you won’t hurt my feelings or anything.” He laughed. 

“No, I want to go,” said Caleb quickly. “When and where?”

Molly rattled off the location of a bar he didn’t consider a total dive, and a time he considered it appropriate to get smashed at. 

“I’ll be there,” Caleb promised. 

“Great. Can’t wait.” Molly hung up, and rolled down his window so he could tell the driver in front of him to fuck off. 


	5. 5

Caleb hadn’t gone out to drink in forever. He was hesitant to do so, because the din of a crowd sometimes threw him off, and it was easy to dissociate in a crowd when everyone was talking but no one was talking to him. But then again, he knew he had to get out more. There was a fine line between being introverted and being a shut in, and sometimes he walked it. 

He made sure he had his wallet and keys before he left, and for a split second thought about calling Molly back and saying he couldn’t make it. It would take a lot of pressure off him, and it would turn away a possibly uncomfortable night in favor of a night spent with his new books. 

He steered himself away from that train of thought, though, and left his apartment before he could back out. 

The air was crisp and chilling, and Caleb tucked his hands into his coat pockets and his face into his scarf as he walked to the location Molly had given him. The wind blew a little too hard to be comfortable, adding to the cold, and the steady stream of cars moving slowly along the road was inappropriately disorienting. 

He’d be at home, warm and reading one of his new books, if he couldn’t just shake the feeling he got when he listened to the charming banter of the group’s attendees, when he stayed up too late and drank too much with Nott. He wasn’t the kind of person who liked to admit that being human included a need for companionship, so he convinced himself he was going out to make Molly happy instead of acknowledging that after spending one night with Nott, he didn’t want to face another alone. 

When he got to it, the bar was exactly how he pictured it, crowded and noisy and dimly lit. Warm yellowy orange lights hung from the ceiling at even intervals but didn’t cast much of a glow and were more for show than for function. People filled the seats at the actual bar, and then the tables on the floor, and then gathered in the empty spaces between seats.

Maybe it was just him getting caught up over small things in social places, which happened more than he liked to think about, but he couldn’t spot Molly in the sea of bar patrons. He stood by the door and pretended his stress levels weren’t rising. Molly should be easy to pick out - not everyone wore the same conspicuous lavender coloring in their hair - but Caleb’s eyes and his brain didn’t seem to be agreeing, and the people at the bar seemed to blur into one entity. 

It was odd, a voice whispered in the back of his mind, how much the clinking of glasses and the quiet chatter of drunks sounded like the crackling of flames. 

Caleb flinched as the sound filled his ears, and he reached back towards the door as the lights blurred into a familiar electric orange. 

He couldn’t get outside soon enough. After wrestling with the doorknob for what felt like forever, the cold night air hit his face, and he could breathe again. 

Caleb closed his eyes, leaned against the side of the building, tried to catch his breath. His hands were shaking, and he felt like he wasn’t inside his body. He made himself open his eyes, and watched himself open and close a fist. Watching himself move and knowing he was making himself do it sometimes helped ground him. 

His skin was tingling like he was standing under heavy rain, and he slowly came back to himself. The moment he could think beyond panic, he started to rationalize against himself. Why did he freeze up somewhere so mundane, somewhere so safe? It made no sense, and he had ruined a night that could have been good. 

In all honesty, he should have known he’d mess something up. Because apparently he couldn’t do a fucking normal thing, that everyone did, without freaking out over it. He should have seen it coming. 

He drew his hands down over his face and let out a long sigh. He should go home, before anything else could happen. 

His thoughts were interrupted by the opening and closing of the bar’s door, the momentary rush of noise from the people inside, and Molly’s voice, soft, asking, “Is everything alright?”

Caleb couldn’t look over at him. “I’m sorry,” he said. 

“What?” Molly leaned back against the wall next to Caleb. “You didn’t do anything; I only saw you as you left. I thought something might be wrong.”

“It was just- a lot of noise.” Caleb made himself breathe, and tried to focus on the yellow paint outlining parking spots in the bar’s lot. 

“Yeah. Shit.” Molly put his hands in his pockets. “I didn’t know that kind of stuff would bother you, otherwise I wouldn’t have-” He shook his head. “Shit. I’m sorry, Caleb.” 

“No, it’s…” Caleb struggled to come up with words. “I just shouldn’t have come. I think I’m going home.” 

Molly was shivering, clearly not dressed for the weather. “I get it if you’re not up for anything, but if you are we can take off somewhere. When shit gets bad for me it helps to just drive and not stop until it’s better.” 

“I don’t want to waste your time,” Caleb said, his automatic response to being offered anything. 

Molly asked if it was alright to touch Caleb, and when Caleb nodded he put a hand on Caleb’s shoulder. “I say this at the risk of sounding lonely, but there’s nothing I’d rather waste my time on.” 

Caleb bit the inside of his cheek, weighing his options. Molly’s words had made it unreasonably hard for him to breathe properly, and he chose to blame it on the receding panic attack instead of thinking on it too hard. 

“I’m dead serious,” Molly continued. “You can’t back out on being a part of Jester’s group of dumbasses, and as you’re now part of said group, it’s literally my duty to go out of my way to care about you. I care about all the fuckers in that dumb group so much it hurts, and you’re not going to be an exception just because I don’t know you yet.”

Caleb tried to stammer through an excuse, but found quickly that he couldn’t come up with a good one. 

“Proposition,” Molly said. “We get in my car, and you pick a street, and we drive until either the street ends or you feel better. How does that sound?”

“Yeah.” Caleb cleared his throat, and nodded. “It sounds good.” He followed Molly to the car, and he couldn’t shake the feeling that he’d come across a group of people that were somehow different than everyone he’d met before them. He’d never been exposed to people before who cared when they didn’t have to. And now, within just two days, people had gone out of their way to get to know him. He couldn’t say he wouldn’t miss it, when this strange and stunning group moved on from him. 

He leaned against the passenger door window and watched as street lamps and fluorescent signs on closed shops went by, each casting a temporary shield against the natural darkness. There was something so comforting about the glow and light pollution of the city in a late night, sleepy way. He wished he had his cat. 

After about a half hour of driving in silence, Molly looked over at a red light and asked, “Feeling better?”

Caleb had almost fallen asleep without realizing it, the faint smells of incense and weed that filled the car definitely a kind of lullaby. He sat up straighter and nodded. “Yeah, a lot better.” 

Molly smiled. “You can tell me where you live and I’ll bring you home.” 

“Wait, can we- can you keep on driving?” Caleb felt silly asking, but he was a day into this new comfort of being able to sit with someone without talking and he couldn’t get enough of it. When Nott had sat with him on his couch that morning he should have known that silent camaraderie was something he’d get addicted to. 

“Absolutely, dear.” Molly put his window down an inch or so to let fresh air into the car and drove, passing through intersection after intersection. After a while he started to hum a tune under his breath, very softly and sort of off key. 

Caleb tore his eyes from the window and turned to watch Molly instead. He found the lights from outside passing over Molly’s peaceful face just as calming as staring out the window. He wished he knew Molly. 

He realized he was falling asleep again, and he told Molly where his apartment was in case he passed out. 

Molly turned the car around after a quiet comment on how late it was getting, and then kept humming as he drove back. 

At some point after that, Caleb must have fallen asleep, because he woke up to cold air and the uncomfortable feeling of being pulled to his feet. The passenger door slamming shut right next to him woke him the rest of the way up, and his arm was over Molly’s shoulders. 

“Oh, hey,” Molly said. “Wasn’t sure if you were going to wake up, so I thought I could take you in.” 

“You don’t have to,” Caleb replied, and he held his own weight but he couldn’t bring himself to take his arm off Molly’s shoulders. 

“Want me to walk you in?”

“If you want to.” 

Molly nodded. “Alright, let’s go.” 

Caleb fumbled with his keys after they reached his door, and said, “Sorry I couldn’t have a normal night.” 

“Fuck a normal night.” Molly flashed him a smile. “If you ever just want to drive and think, call me. I get it, I was there not too long ago. I’m still there, sometimes.” 

Caleb nodded, and stepped inside his apartment. “Thank you,” he said, and was going to close the door when Molly brushed past him inside. 

“Sorry, I’ll be out of your hair in a second, you just-” Molly bent down, and when he straightened up he had Frumpkin in his arms. “You have a cat.” 

“I have a cat,” Caleb repeated, not knowing what to do or how to stop smiling.

Molly pressed a kiss between the cat’s ears, and chuckled as Frumpkin stretched, trying to squirm away. “He doesn’t like me.” 

“No, he likes you,” assured Caleb. “He is just… grumpy, sometimes.” 

Molly nodded, a half smile tugging at the corner of his mouth. “He’s cute anyway.” He let the cat down and patted Caleb’s shoulder as he left the apartment. 

Caleb turned to watch Molly head down the stairs. “Goodnight,” he called. 

Molly held two fingers up in a peace sign over his head as he disappeared from view. 

For the second night in a row, Caleb couldn’t get a smile off his face, and he dropped into bed exhausted and content. He’d think critically over the night’s events in the morning and probably feel shitty about them then, but now, he could rest easy. 


	6. 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw for drug use? not hard drugs but still

Caleb worked through the week at his shitty job, and read through the week in his new books, and started getting to know the people in Jester’s support group as people instead of as one and done acquaintances. 

Nearly every hour he and Nott both had off at their respective jobs they spent together, and as she went through all the alcohol in his house night by night, she made a spot for herself in his heart. He got too quickly attached to the way she’d suggest something absolutely off the wall and usually illegal for them to waste time on, and then quickly say she was just kidding even though her smile said otherwise. He couldn’t help but smile when she called him kiddo over text, and sometimes even in person, even though she was only a few years older than him at best. 

He knew he was completely playing into that stereotype where the more messed up you’d been, the quicker you latch onto people, and he didn’t even care. As long as he didn’t fully trust people, he told himself, he wasn’t in too deep. He was safe, because he’d probably never trust anyone a hundred percent again. But he was reaching the point where he loved everything he learned about Nott, and everything she did, and sometime he’d have to stop saying he loved everything about her and just start saying he loved her, but that wasn’t any time soon. 

He learned that Molly’s actual name was Mollymauk, and the oddity of it delighted him, and he learned that Molly would never send a text when he could just call, often at times inopportune for Caleb. He realized that he liked the smudged, messy, old makeup around Molly’s eyes, and that when Molly smiled, his whole face smiled, not just his mouth, and Caleb really liked that smile. He pushed that information to the back of his mind and told himself to never think of it again. 

He picked up bits and pieces of how Jester was raised only by her mother, and didn’t know her father, and how her mother actually owned the building she held the group in, but despite their arrangement they didn’t talk that much. Through chatting with Beau because they both didn’t have cars and Jester offered to drive them to their places at the same time, he learned a little about her background in mixed martial arts, and he stammered through accepting her offer to teach him some. He found out that Fjord had been a sailor once, and wasn’t now for reasons he wasn’t told but could guess it had something to do with what gave Fjord the big scar on his head. 

He found out that he himself got close to people a lot quicker than he liked to think he did, and that he should have kept his guard up a little higher, because he was a week into knowing Jester’s group and half of them had already said they loved him, and he’d been too tempted to say it back. 

He was sitting once again in the passenger seat of Molly’s car, and they had about an hour to waste before they had to be at group. 

“I love living in the city just as much as the next dumbass,” Molly was saying, the next statement in the long string of comments he’d been blurting out, “but there’s nowhere to go for quiet, you know?”

Caleb shrugged. He didn’t have much to add, and he liked listening to Molly ramble more than actually conversing anyways. 

“Like, we’re parked here in an alley, and that’s the closest we can get to somewhere we can park for privacy in the city,” Molly continued, taking a drag of the joint he held out the window. “But if we lived in assfuck Illinois or somewhere, we could just drive out into fields, and it would be quiet.” 

“And you’d like quiet?” Caleb was trying not to breathe any of the smoke in, and trying not to watch too closely how it fell from Molly’s lips. 

“I think so.” Molly sighed. “But who the fuck knows, I’ve lived in this city as long as I can remember. Don’t really have a solid frame of reference. Why, you like noise?”

Caleb shook his head. “No. There are other perks of living in the city, though. Shops. Things to do. It’s always so busy, it’s easy to blend in.” 

“Shops.” Molly snorted. “I didn’t peg you as a shopping guy.”

“I love shops,” Caleb told him. “You know. Book shops.” 

Molly rolled his eyes. “Really?”

“What?” Caleb was smiling, even though he was ready to argue. It was hard not to smile, he was finding, when talking with Molly. 

“I never got books.” Molly offered the joint to Caleb, who shook his head. “Like, why spend extra time looking at words that tell you what’s happening when you could just watch it happen on TV?”

“Because it’s defeatist,” Caleb said. “There are books that are classics, that will never be as good redone anywhere. You need to read them to get the real story. And what about nonfiction?”

“There are documentaries for that, dear.” 

“You don’t have a single book you like? Not even as a child? What did you read when you were younger?” Caleb couldn’t imagine his childhood without books. 

“I don’t know.” Molly flashed him a smile. 

Caleb sighed. “What does that mean?”

“It means I don’t know,” Molly repeated. “I genuinely do not know what the fuck I did when I was younger.” He chuckled. 

Caleb watched him intently. He’d known that Molly had some sort of accident a few years back, but he didn’t know what it was, or what it caused. “What happened to you?” he asked hesitantly, not wanting to push too hard. 

“I’d love to tell you,” Molly said, opening the car door to put his joint out on the pavement with the heel of his boot, “if I could fucking remember.” 

“But what-”

“If we don’t take off now we’ll be late and Jester will worry,” Molly said quickly. He started the car and began the drive back towards the city center. 

Caleb sat in silence, and wished he hadn’t asked. He looked out the window so he wouldn’t have to look at Molly. He always felt a sort of pressure when he was talking, like he only had so much time before he messed up, and now that he’d messed up he felt pressure over not talking. Things he could have said differently ran through his head, clogging up his mind. 

They were almost to the building where Jester held the group when he cleared his throat and put a hand on Molly’s shoulder. “I’m sorry, Mollymauk.”

“Yeah, it’s nothing.” Molly’s voice was soft, and he smiled. “Sorry I snapped at you.” 

“No, it was…” Caleb shook his head. “It was my mistake.” 

“A little bit, but to err is human,” Molly said, and he parked the car. “You know, I can’t read. It’s- I can read words, and I know what they are, but I can’t fucking- I can’t put them together, right? And I can get through, like, a sentence, but it’s hard, and any more than that? Forget it.” He held a fist to his forehead and sighed. 

Caleb bit the inside of his cheek, no idea what to say. 

“And the worst part of it is that I don’t even know if I was always like that or-” Molly winced, shook his head. “Or if it just happened when my brain got fucked up. Because that would make sense if it happened then, but it means I could read and I fucking forgot what it was like and now I can never-”

Caleb nodded, understanding why Molly got fed up with him earlier. “Do you want to get out of the car?”

“Yeah. I actually think I need a minute.” Molly laughed at himself for that, a short, bitter laugh. “Jesus.” 

Caleb stepped out of the car, tried to close the passenger door quietly behind him. He debated just going in, but determined that leaving Molly in the car would be even shittier than what he’d already done. He kicked at the pavement as time dragged on, and he was sure it had only been a minute or so but it felt like much longer. He didn’t want to look back at the car, trying to afford Molly as much privacy as he could. 

When he finally heard the slam of a car door, he turned.

Molly gave him a thumbs up as he came around the car, and when he reached Caleb he held out his arms. 

Caleb gave him a hug, leaning his face into Molly’s neck. “Are you still high?” he asked, because he didn’t know Molly well enough to determine if he was just this cuddly. 

“A little,” Molly murmured. 

Caleb nodded, and gave Molly a pat on the back. “Sorry,” he said again, his voice muffled. 

“You are the only person,” Molly said slowly, quietly, his chin resting on Caleb’s shoulder, “who knows what I just told you.” 

Caleb took a step back. “Wait, no one knows? Yasha doesn’t know?”

“Yasha and I don’t talk feelings too often.” Molly sighed. “If you could keep it under wraps, though…”

“Yeah, yes, I will. I won’t say anything,” Caleb promised. 

Molly smiled, offered a hand.

Caleb took it and let Molly lead him into the building, up the stairs, to the room with Jester’s faded poster on the door. “I want to teach you how to read,” he said. 

Molly laughed. “Take it easy. Let’s survive a few hours of talking to Beau first.”


	7. 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kiri kiRI KIRI

When Caleb and Molly went inside, Jester jumped up off the couch to go greet them. She was buzzing with excitement, and she pulled them over to the couch, telling them she had something to say, and that she’d been waiting for them to get there.

Nott held up a hand from where she was curled up on an armchair, which Caleb took and sat down with her, the two of them overlapping on a chair that was clearly meant for one. 

Molly went to Yasha, who stood to accept the arms he flung around her neck. When she hugged him hello, she almost lifted him off the ground, and he patted her arm when she let go. Once he’d settled in, he asked, “Where’s Fjord?”

Fjord was not in his normal spot on the other half of Beau’s couch, and once Molly pointed it out, his absence was all too noticeable. 

“Physical therapy, man,” Beau answered. “Remember? Caleb, Nott, he goes once a month to this weird clinic and they tell him what to do to make his body heal right, or something.” She was stretched out over the entire couch now. 

“It’s not a weird clinic, it’s the physical therapy office,” Jester corrected. “It’s not weird, and it’s helping a lot.” 

“Tomato Tomahto.” Beau shrugged. 

“What do you have to tell us?” Molly asked Jester, in an attempt to get back on topic.

“Oh my god, right!” Jester lit up with a huge smile, and her hands went up to cover the lower half of her face. “So not everyone knows this I think but a while ago I was talking to this woman-” Jester’s eyes were beginning to fill with tears, but her smile wasn’t faltering. “-who works in the foster care system, and-” She wiped her eyes and let out a shaky breath. “Sorry, I’m just- I don’t know- and a couple of months went by but she got back in touch with me yesterday, and I’m driving upstate with Fjord tomorrow to meet a kid.” She was fully crying now, and she shrugged and held her hands up in a little ta-da motion.

In a second, Nott was out of her seat and over next to Jester. She pulled Jester’s head down onto her shoulder and hugged her, despite Jester’s repeated, “I don’t know why I’m crying”. “That’s amazing, Jester,” she said, and she looked over Jester’s head at everyone else in a ‘say something or else’ way. 

“Yeah, Jester, that’s great,” Beau added, before sitting up. “But wait- you and Fjord are going? What’s up with that? Why didn’t you ask me?” She was half joking, but it was still a genuine question. 

“Because you’re shit with kids,” Jester said, hiccupping as she tried to take deep breaths and stop crying, and she laughed a little. “And Fjord is really good with them.”

“That’s a valid point.” Beau reached over and gave Jester’s hand a squeeze. “Congrats.” 

“Thanks,” Jester said, her voice shaky. “I seriously don’t know why I’m crying, it’s not-” She stopped, shrugged again, and another tear rolled down her cheek. 

Molly went over and sat with Jester. “So you’re meeting the kid tomorrow, and if it works out-

“If it works out she’ll come for a visit so she can see the house, and if she likes it and she likes me I’ll do one more interview with the agent and a few weeks of visits with the kid and then she’ll move in,” Jester said, the sentence structured in a way that said she’d memorized the schedule of events she’d been told or sent. 

“Do you know who the kid is?” Nott asked, now playing with Jester’s hair. 

“So, she’s six,” Jester said, wiping her eyes, “and she was taken from her parents when she was younger because they were pieces of shit, and-” She shook her head and smiled. “I don’t know, I just can’t wait to meet her.” 

“Wait, can I be the aunt?” Beau asked. “I’m the aunt, right?”

Jester grinned. “Well-”

“So, I’m the aunt, Nott, you’re the other aunt,” Beau said, looking around the room. “Molly, you’re the uncle, Yasha, you’re like, a step aunt or something. Caleb, you’re an honorary uncle. Damn, I guess that makes Fjord the dad.”

“Okay, okay, I’m not adopting a kid,” Jester said quickly. “I might be her foster mom, so technically none of you are aunts. Also, Fjord is not the dad,” she added sharply, her face growing red. 

Beau was laughing. “But-”

“If I was a step aunt, wouldn’t I be married to someone?” Yasha asked, in that way she did where she was sort of joking but she sounded dead serious. “Who was I married to?”

Beau stopped laughing and dug her teeth into her bottom lip, going redder than Jester. “No one. She’s a foster mom, did you hear her? No aunts.” 

Molly snorted. “She’s not a foster mom yet, dumbass.”

“Yeah,” Jester agreed quietly. “Not yet.” 

A sort of hushed excitement took the room over for the rest of the time they spent there, everyone conversing but with a little less volume and a little less joking than they normally did. Everyone but Yasha and Caleb had gathered around Jester, all crowded onto one couch, and though the topic of discussion ranged, there was so much excitement and thought over what Jester had said that went unarticulated but was understood by everyone. 

When they were getting ready to leave, Beau gave almost everyone her signature gentle punch as a goodbye, but settled for pulling Jester into a quick, tight hug. Yasha put a hand on Jester’s shoulder before she left, and Molly gave her a kiss on the cheek. 

Caleb wanted to say something to her, wanted to wish her luck, but he couldn’t come up with the words to convey what he wanted to. He settled for giving her a hug, and as he walked back down the stairs, he could hear Nott listing things she had to help Jester with before tomorrow. 

As he caught back up with Molly on the way to the car, he decided it was now his job to do as much research on the foster system as he could and get it to Jester. 


	8. 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> caleb... is soft....

“You realize I’m only doing this so I can see your cat again, right?” Molly stood by the door to Caleb’s apartment for the second time. 

“That’s fine,” Caleb told him, unlocking the door and heading in. He didn’t believe Molly, but he wasn’t going to say anything. “You said you can do one sentence, right?”

“Yeah.” Molly bent down and picked Frumpkin up. “But that’s at best, sort of. It doesn’t matter.” He followed Caleb to the living room. “You don’t need to care about it, you know.”

“I know,” Caleb said, looking through his stacks of books and finally finding what he was looking for. He went over to the couch and sat down next to Molly, pulling the cat into his lap. “This is a mystery, alright? Lots of action, quick read. Give it a try.”

“What do you mean, a try?” Molly took the book and inspected it, looking a little disdainful.

Caleb looked over at the book, at the way Molly held it like he didn’t want to be touching it. “Read it.”

“For fuck’s sake,” Molly said, glaring at Caleb. “You want to sit here and watch me read?”

“I want you to read it to me.” 

“You’ve already read it.” Molly’s voice was flat. 

“But it was such a long time ago,” Caleb bullshitted, knowing for a fact Molly would see right through him. “I can’t remember it.” He put his arms around Frumpkin. 

“Fine.” Molly flipped the book open a little aggressively and began stumbling through the first chapter. He leaned down close to the page, and traced where he was on the line with his finger. He stammered, like he was trying to sound out words, and when he couldn’t figure one out he substituted with a word that sounded similar and usually meant nothing close to the first one so he could go past it. He kept looking up at Caleb for a split second, then back, and he had to take time trying to find where he’d left off. 

After twenty minutes and two thirds of the first page, he slammed the book down on the coffee table and covered his face with his hands. 

“Hey, you were doing good,” Caleb said, picking the book up and setting it on the couch. 

“No, I wasn’t,” Molly snapped. “Don’t lie to me, I feel like shit already.” 

“At least you tried,” Caleb offered. 

“I tried, and I made myself look like a fucking idiot,” Molly said, his voice breaking. “Sorry, Caleb, but when everyone else in the fucking world knows how to read and I look at a page and I see static knowing I tried isn’t good enough.” 

Caleb couldn’t come up with anything to say that he felt would help. He was starting to think he’d messed up by making Molly try to read anything in the first place. He put a hand on Molly’s shoulder, reasoning that something tactile might help. 

Molly reached up and touched Caleb’s hand, brushing his fingers over Caleb’s knuckles. “You were trying to help, I didn’t mean to-” He sighed. “I shouldn’t have told you, you know? I just shouldn’t have said anything.”

“Why doesn’t anyone know?” Caleb asked tentatively. Even though he usually tried to talk as little as possible, once he got started, and a question was on his mind, it was hard to stop. 

“Because imagine actually telling someone who respects you that you can’t-” Molly covered his mouth with a hand and shook his head, laughing shortly to himself. “If I say that to someone, I’m fucking myself over. I can’t.” 

“But Jester or Yasha wouldn’t care, would they?”

“Who the fuck knows.” Molly picked the book back up, stared at it. “I just don’t get why it’s so hard. It should be easy, the words on their own are easy.” 

Caleb took the book and put Frumpkin in Molly’s lap in return. “You should try reading just word by word.” 

“It takes too long,” Molly said, scratching behind the cat’s ears. “And it pisses me off.” 

“Would it help if you heard the words as you saw them?” Caleb asked. He couldn’t remember where he’d heard that, but he was ninety or so percent sure that it was an actual thing that helped kids learn how to read. 

“I don’t know,” answered Molly. 

“We could try-”

“Caleb- Caleb, you’re so, so sweet. You’re just- you’re as sweet as spun sugar. But absolutely not.” Molly gave him a tired smile. “If I have to look at another word I’m going to pass out.” 

Caleb nodded. “That’s fair.” He’d never been compared to sugar before, and his brain was responding in what he had to describe as a short circuit. He wondered briefly if it was because he’d isolated himself from anyone who’d be kind to him in the past years so bad he just wasn’t used to it, or because it was Molly who did it. 

“And I’m not saying I’m not interested, just…” Molly took a deep breath and blew it out slowly. “Another time.”

Caleb cleared his throat, decided he should stop analyzing everything that was said to him, and nodded again. “I’m sorry I pushed you.” 

“Please. You just want me to be a functioning person.” Molly chuckled. “Nothing to be sorry for.” He gave the cat a kiss on the head before putting it down and standing up. 

“Wait, can I say goodbye?” Caleb stood as well, and he couldn’t help but think that even though Molly said everything was fine, there had to be something wrong if he was just going to walk out. 

“What?” Molly’s eyes widened, an almost smile touching his face. “Caleb, I’m not taking off. I’m going to your gross, filthy kitchen and I’m going to cook you dinner.” 

Caleb blinked. “Why?”

“You tried to do something for me,” Molly said slowly, like he was talking to a kid, “and I’d be shittier than I already am if I didn’t do something back. Plus, when I’m at someone’s house it’s like my job to make them something.” 

“Can I help?” Caleb asked. He felt like he shouldn’t let Molly do it on his own, that he’d be a bad host. That, and he couldn’t get the thought of cooking with Molly out of his head. He followed Molly into the kitchen. 

“Yeah,” Molly replied, opening cabinets and looking around. “You can do your fucking dishes, man, what are you doing?” He pointed to the sink.

“Sorry, they just…” Caleb looked down ruefully at almost every dish he owned, stacked messily in his kitchen sink. “They pile up, I suppose.” 

Molly was grinning, and he shook his head. “I know they say the best minds have the messiest rooms, but this is a lot. Do you want pasta?”

“Yes. Anything is good.” Caleb started to rinse glasses out. 

“Good.” Molly gave Caleb a little shoulder bump to get him out of the way of the faucet. He filled up a pot and brought it back to the stove. 

Caleb’s hand instinctively went up to his shoulder where Molly had hit him. The water on his hand soaked right through the fabric of his shirt, and he didn’t even notice. 

That night, doing the dishes was suddenly the best thing in the world, because Caleb was living one of the little movies he’d pictured of an impossibly good future when he was young and freezing and high. The lighting was just the overhead that needed a new lightbulb really soon, and the soundtrack was whatever Molly was humming, but it was even better than what he’d pictured when he had nothing. In those fantasies, his future self was warm and relatively safe and with someone he trusted. Now, he was warm and almost surely safe and with someone he couldn’t stop thinking about. 

He washed all his dishes that night, and ate dinner across from Molly at the card table in his den. He walked Molly to the door and exchanged goodbyes and smiled when Molly promised to try and read a little more, and still smiled after he’d shut the door and was alone in his apartment with his cat. 

Caleb went to his room and sat on the bed for a second, letting his eyes fall closed. He sighed, and the moment he managed to stop smiling, he’d think of something to do with how Molly cooked in his kitchen or how Molly’s hummed tunes were consistently out of key and he’d start smiling all over again. He let himself think and rest for a few minutes, trying to push away how happy he was, how tight and warm his chest felt, before getting up and going over to his desk. 

It was after ten when he opened his laptop and settled into his desk chair for a night of research. He opened a notebook, set it next to the computer on the desk, and started pulling up studies, legal documents, papers, statistics. He fell asleep in his chair at three in the morning, his head on his desk, the screen above him displaying two documents. One was the state legislature on adoption and the foster system. The other was a medical thesis on dyslexia. 


	9. 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw; discussion of implied past child abuse

 

They were an hour away from the orphanage. Jester sat in the passenger seat of Fjord’s truck, and closed her hands into tight fists to stop them from shaking. About forty-five minutes had passed since they took off, and her nerves were only building. She kicked off her shoes and held her knees to her chest, fighting the urge to start crying for literally no good reason. 

“Hey, it’s going to be okay,” Fjord said, reaching over and giving her shoulder a squeeze. “This stuff is right in your roundhouse. You love kids, kids love you.” 

“What if my foster agent decides I can’t take care of the kid?” Jester asked, voicing something that hadn’t left her mind since she got the first call. “What if she meets me again and sees that I can’t do it, and then that kid will be disappointed because she thought she was getting taken home?”

“She’s not going to tell you you can’t do it,” Fjord said, the steady, familiar drawl of his words acting as some sort of comfort on its own. 

“How do you know?” demanded Jester. She knew she was sort of being unreasonable but she couldn’t stop herself. 

“Because you’re going to go in there and make best friends with this kid, and even if you’d just gotten out of jail or something that agent won’t have the heart to say no,” Fjord told her, and he spoke so surely it was as if he’d already lived this day, and he was going back to do it again for Jester. 

Jester nodded. “I guess.” She let out a long breath, trying to calm down and block out her intrusive thoughts. 

Fjord nodded back, gave her as much of a smile as he could while keeping his eyes on the road. He reached back into his bag and pulled out a CD. “Here, put this in.” 

Jester took it. “What year are you in, 2003?” she teased, but even a simple task was helping to keep her brain focused, and she was grateful. She pushed it into the disk slot in the truck’s dashboard, and smiled when she heard the first strains of a familiar melody. “You know this is, like, one of my favorite songs, right?”

“I might’ve had an inkling, yeah,” Fjord answered. 

For the remainder of the trip, they listened through all of Jester’s favorite songs, which Fjord explained by saying he had a good memory, and he compiled every song she’d mentioned she liked offhandedly to him over their years of knowing one another because he thought she could probably use it. Jester thanked him over and over and it still almost made her cry to hear the song that, when she first met Fjord, she told him he had to listen to before he got to know her.

When they pulled into the parking lot of the orphanage, Jester put her shoes back on and grabbed her purse and slammed the car door behind her, because she’d built up a bit of confidence and she was going to hold onto it as hard as she could. 

The foster agent was parked across the lot and was standing outside her car, and waved when she saw them. 

The three of them walked into the building together, and checked in at the desk in the entrance before going through a series of hallways. 

Jester could feel her heartbeat in her clenched fists, could hear it in her ears, and she tried to remember to breathe as she followed the agent through the orphanage. When they came to a stop outside a door, she started tearing up, and she blinked it away as quickly as she could. 

“Alright, so, I’m going to let you and your friend go in alone and talk to her,” the agent said, tucking the manilla folder obviously corresponding to the kid behind the door under her arm. “You probably won’t get much back, but just go in for as long as she’s comfortable with and see how it goes.”

Jester nodded, and took a deep breath, and opened the door.

The room was very white, the floor and the walls and the sheets on the bed all the same blank shade. There was a dresser and a box in one corner of the room, and the bed in the other, and on the bed sat a girl. She was tucked up into herself, and her eyes flashed as they settled on Jester. She was the only color in the room, her blue shirt and pink pants more than standing out against her furnishings. 

Jester could feel her heart in her throat, and she was worried that whatever she tried to say just wouldn’t come out. She gave a little wave, and knelt down by the bed to be at eye level. “Hi, Kiri,” she said slowly. “I’m Jester, and this is Fjord.” 

Kiri didn’t say anything, but took her stare off Jester for a moment to look at Fjord before going back. Her little fists were twisted up in her blankets. 

“I like your shirt,” Jester said, trying something that she thought might help the kid open up a little. “Blue is my favorite color, see?” She gestured to the ribbon in her hair. 

Kiri looked down at her shirt, and relaxed her stance a little so Jester could see it better. 

Jester grinned. “Actually, my ribbon matches your shirt super well. Did you read my mind this morning?”

A tiny smile tugged at the corner of Kiri’s mouth, and one of her little hands came up to cover it. 

“I can’t stand that shirt not being with this ribbon,” Jester said as she took it out of her hair. “Here, do you want me to make it a bracelet for you?”

Kiri stared at the ribbon for a moment, then tapped her hair.

“Oh my gosh, great choice.” Jester literally couldn’t stop smiling, and she tied her ribbon in a little bow around one of the bantu knots that Kiri’s hair was done up in. “That looks amazing! Fjord, doesn’t it look amazing?”

Fjord took a knee next to Jester and pretended to scrutinize the bow, taking it in from a few different angles before giving a nod. “It definitely does.” 

“Thanks for letting me put it on,” Jester said softly. 

Kiri was smiling again. “Thanks,” she repeated. 

Jester’s breath caught in her throat, and she looked over at Fjord, who returned her surprised glance. “You look so pretty,” she told Kiri. 

“Kiri, what do you get up to in here?” Fjord asked. “You got a favorite book? Favorite movie?”

Kiri nodded, and got up off the bed. She ran past Jester and Fjord and to the box by her dresser, which she opened and fished something out of. She came back over but didn’t get back in bed, instead settling for standing between Jester and Fjord, and she showed them a book. 

It looked sort of old, and a quick peek inside showed it was one of those books about talking animals. 

Jester took it when Kiri pressed it into her hands. She flipped it over and read the back. It was about mice and birds and forests and fields. “I’ve never read this one,” she admitted. “But you can read the whole thing already?”

Kiri nodded. 

“You’re a genius. She’s a genius, Fjord.” 

Kiri nodded again. 

Jester burst out laughing, absolutely in love with Kiri’s sudden cockiness. “When you come over to my house, you can bring it. I’ll read it to you. I mean, I know you can read it on your own, but I really want to read it with you.” A sort of a cold, unsure feeling crept into Jester’s mind. “Wait, do you want to come to my house?”

Kiri grabbed onto Jester’s shirt and nodded quickly. 

Jester looked down at Kiri’s hands, caught in the fabric of her sleeves, and when she looked back up at Kiri she was already crying. She felt Fjord’s hand on her back, and tried to stop, and when Kiri reached up and wiped away some of her tears, the sincere, worried look on the kid’s face made her cry harder. “Sorry- sorry, I’m not sad,” she promised. “I’m just really, really happy.” 

“Happy?” Kiri asked, her voice quiet and concerned. 

“Yeah.” Jester nodded, wiped her face. “Because you’re just so perfect.” She sniffed, tried to smile. She put a hand on Kiri’s cheek. “Listen, I need to go talk to someone outside, and I promise I’ll be back to say goodbye. And then I’ll be back as soon as I can after that to pick you up and bring you home with me. Okay?”

“Okay,” Kiri repeated, nodding. She put her hand in the one Fjord offered for a moment. 

“See you, kiddo,” Fjord promised, and he and Jester left the room. 

The moment the door was closed, Jester leaned back against the wall and cried. 

Fjord grabbed her and pulled her into a hug, holding onto her tight. 

The foster agent put a hand on Jester’s shoulder. “How did it go?”

Jester couldn’t talk, but all she could think to say was that she loved Kiri. She loved Kiri so much. 

“Amazing,” Fjord said, resting his chin on the top of Jester’s head. “It went amazing.” 


	10. 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw; past transphobia

It had been a normal day. Nott had taken to coming along with Caleb whenever he went shopping downtown, and they had been doing that, walking through the crowds of people and commenting on things in shop windows. Caleb didn’t really have any money, so they were just looking, but it was still a nice way to pass a Sunday. Nott wouldn’t laugh at him when he went on a tangent about something he saw in a shop window, and Caleb pretended not to notice as she accumulated little trinkets whenever they passed through groups of tourists. Really, it had been a normal day. 

Now they were pressed to the wall of an alley, out of breath from a wild dash to the most hidden place Nott could drag him to. Nott’s hands were knotted up in her hair, and her eyes were wide. She leaned back into the alley wall, invisible from the street. 

“What the hell is going on?” Caleb asked, trying to catch his breath. He’d let her pull him out of sight without asking sooner because she’d been so dead set on getting away, and it had scared him. 

“Sorry,” Nott said, her voice small and tight and panicked. “Sorry, I just- it wasn’t safe-”

“What do you mean?” Caleb pushed his hair out of his face. “Is everything alright? What are you talking about?”

“There was a cop,” she said. 

“You’re kidding me, Nott.” Caleb rubbed his eyes. “We’re downtown in a city. Of course there will be cops.” 

“But what if he saw us?” Nott sounded hysteric. “Caleb, what if he saw us?”

“So?” Caleb tried not to snap at her. “We’re just people going for a walk. Running makes us look like we’re up to something.”

“Sorry, I know, I’m sorry.” Nott dragged her hands down her face and slowed her breathing down. “I’m sorry, I just took off, I couldn’t- it was a reaction sort of thing, he just couldn’t see me.” 

“I think,” Caleb said, “we need to talk about this.”

He waited until she agreed to go back out onto the street, and then found the nearest sit down coffee shop and brought her to a table in the back. He got her a cup of coffee and watched her dump whatever was in her flask into it. 

When he thought he’d waited long enough, he cleared his throat a little. “So, Nott. We can’t do that again, okay?”

“Okay,” she said, and she sighed. “I just want to keep you safe. I need to keep myself safe. You know.” 

“But you didn’t do anything wrong, right?” Caleb pressed. “They shouldn’t be looking for you unless you did something wrong. And you haven’t, have you?”

“You know I can’t help… taking things, sometimes,” Nott said, her tone that of a kid trying to explain something to her parents. “It’s just- I can’t help it.”

Caleb nodded. “Sure, right, but those are small things, correct? You haven’t taken anything big, have you?”

Nott avoided eye contact, staring down into her cup. Finally, she said, “Not physically big, no.” 

Caleb closed his eyes, sighed. 

“Caleb, I know it’s bad! I know I’m not good, I just can’t stop myself.” She poured more liquor into her cup. “I try not to take anything and then I just… have to. I’d stop if I could.”

“I’m not saying you’re a bad person,” Caleb said. “You’re my favorite person, alright? You just scared the shit out of me, I thought someone was after you or something. Don’t do that again.” 

Nott grabbed Caleb’s hand over the table. “Yeah, but I get so nervous, you know? If they see me I’ve definitely done enough for them to get me, so I just can’t risk getting seen. I’m not going back to prison.” 

Caleb gave her hand a little squeeze. “Nott-”

“You know they sent me to-” Nott stopped, took a few uneven breaths. Her nails were digging into Caleb’s hand. “They sent me to a state prison for men.” Her voice was barely a whisper, and her free hand was tugging at a strand of her hair. “And I cannot go back.” 

She then drank her coffee and refused to talk any more about it until they were back in her apartment, and she’d gone through the process of locking the several different locks on her door. 

“I was younger and I was stupid,” she said finally, after taking a pillow from her couch and putting it down on the floor to sit on, and wrapping a quilt she’d also found on the couch around her shoulders. “I knew what I was doing was wrong, but I never thought I was going to get caught. When I did it was just a shock, right? I sort of couldn’t believe it, even though I’d seen it coming. They gave me a court date and everything and the whole time I just couldn’t believe it was happening.”

Caleb was sitting next to her, on her living room floor, silent. He was listening the best he could, so he’d know how to be the most help to her. He always listened hard so he could try to fix the problem presented, but now it was hurting to listen. He felt his throat get tight, threatening that he’d cry. He never cried. 

“It was paperwork that really fucked me over,” Nott continued, playing with the corner of the quilt. “I couldn’t afford a lawyer, obviously, so they gave me one who didn’t really care, and they searched my apartment and saw that I’d taken a bunch of shit, and that was it. But- it would have been fine if they didn’t- they looked at my license, and then they looked at my birth certificate and- they called my parents. Isn’t that shitty?”

Caleb nodded. 

“For reference,” she added, “my parents kicked me out when I was fourteen. So they told the fuckers running the case everything they wanted to know and faxed them my documents and that was it. They didn’t even show up at the trial.” She sniffed and rubbed her eyes with a fist. “I lost, of course, because I was guilty and not rich enough to get off.”

Caleb held out a hand, and she took it, and it made him feel a little better. 

“It was over in one day, in a few hours, and the judge sentenced me to three years in a men’s prison,” Nott spat, and there was so much anger in her words, in the way she gritted her teeth, in how hard she was holding Caleb’s hand. She was the angriest Caleb had ever seen her. “And then he went out for a drink with my lawyer, and some bullshit cops drove me upstate to jail.” She glanced quickly at the door, fear breaking through the anger for a second. 

Caleb’s eyes followed hers, and settled on the locks she had stacked up on the door. He caught the tear that was trailing down his cheek before it fell, rubbed it away. 

“So that was that, sort of,” she said. “Spent the next three years in prison and it was hell on earth. I sort of wanted to die, in there. And then it got better for a year and change and then it was even worse before they let me go.” She was staring down at her living room rug, and got silent for a moment. “I’m here now, though. That’s what matters.”

“That’s what matters,” Caleb echoed. 

Nott nodded, and she kept looking down, a hand coming up to cover her mouth. Within a moment, she was sobbing.  

Caleb froze up, not knowing what to do or what she wanted him to do. He remembered what Molly would do, and gave her a hug and didn’t let go. He felt her holding onto his shirt, and he wanted to stay with her forever and make sure nothing bad happened to her ever again. 


	11. 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is a caleb is gay on main chapter,,, i love him

 

“So, I did some research last weekend,” Caleb said, thumbing through his notebook. He looked back over his shoulder at Molly, who was sitting on his bed and holding his cat. “I think the problem might be related to memory loss because they’re both a kind of brain damage.”

“Oh, terrific.” Molly rolled his eyes. 

“But the cool thing about your brain is that it’s always changing, Mollymauk,” Caleb continued, turning his desk chair around so he could face the bed. “I think you don’t have the neurological pathways built up to translate what you see into sounds, which makes it really hard to read. But synapses are always being built and being changed, so it shouldn’t be impossible to get your brain to build the pathways you need.” 

The sneer dropped from Molly’s face. “Really?”

“Yeah, really.” Caleb read over his notes one more time. He nodded, confirming it. “You do tarot cards, right?”

“Yeah, sure,” Molly answered, not sure where Caleb was going. 

“That makes sense,” Caleb said. “That was sort of what tipped me off to what I think is happening. So, a tarot card is one word with a picture and a lot of theory behind it. That’s a word with other components, a visual one, a mental one. That’s probably why you’re so good at that. And it makes sense with how I think your brain works.” 

Molly nodded slowly, still looking a little confused. “Wait, you looked that all shit up? For me?” He was starting to smile. 

Caleb had to look away or he’d smile too, and he stared down at his research. “Maybe. And I didn’t just look it up, there were several medical studies I read through.” 

“Caleb, I’m going to buy you so many dumb books,” Molly said, gratitude showing clearly in his words. “I’m going to get you whatever the hell you want, you’re incredible.”

Caleb could feel his face heating up. “You don’t need to. I don’t really- it was just taking notes, you know.” 

“You,” said Molly, “are absolutely perfect. You’re a superhero. I’ve been trying to figure this out for two years and you did it in one weekend.”

“I’m far from perfect, Mollymauk,” Caleb promised.

Molly scoffed, held the cat up to eye level. “Your dad’s talking bullshit again,” he said to Frumpkin, and when the smile finally faded from his face, he looked back to Caleb. “I really can’t thank you enough, but I do have one question.”

“Yes?” 

“What does that mean?” Molly asked. “I get the brain pathways thing, but how do I build one? How do I get there?”

“I think you need to hear words as you see them so you can connect the phonetics with the visual,” Caleb explained. “Listening to an audiobook while you read it, that sort of thing.” 

Molly nodded, and was silent for a moment or two. “Caleb - and I’m being completely serious when I say this - what can I give you for this? What do you want? I owe you a lot.” 

A memory hit Caleb like a ton of bricks, a memory of when he was young and when nothing came for free. Everything he did then, he was doing it to get something else. He shook it off, swallowing the bile that had stained the back of his throat. “I did it because I wanted to help you, not because I wanted you to owe me anything,” he said firmly. 

“Look, I know, but literally tell me what I can do for you,” Molly implored, “because I’m going to feel bad if you don’t let me give you something back.”

“Actually,” Caleb said, “there is something. Let me read to you.”

Molly blinked, his mouth half open and disbelief all over his face. “Yes, darling,” he managed. “I don’t know why you want to, but please. Do.” 

Caleb nodded. “What kind of story do you want? I have almost everything.” 

Molly considered. “I want that mystery. The one I couldn’t fucking do last week.” 

“You sure?”

“Sure as hell.” Molly locked eyes with Caleb. “If I don’t find a way to get through that damn thing I’m going to drop dead.” 

Caleb chuckled, and he went out and grabbed it from the living room table. It was a shitty book with a shitty plot and shitty dialogue, and there was literally nothing he’d rather be doing than reading it. He tossed it to Molly, who deflected it down onto the bed instead of catching it. He sat down next to Molly, moving Frumpkin over, and picked the book up. “From the beginning, yes?”

“Yes.” 

They sort of struggled to find a comfortable way for both of them to be able to see the words on the page. Caleb’s bed wasn’t enormous, and neither of them wanted to infringe on the cat’s space. They ended up leaning back against the headboard side by side, Caleb holding the book out in front of both of them, Molly’s head on Caleb’s shoulder. 

Caleb read the opening hook, and to him, the answer to the mystery was obvious just from that. But when he looked over to Molly, who was mouthing each word along with him and whose eyes widened every time a detail of the crime was mentioned, he didn’t have the heart to comment on the lack of good storytelling. 

Time never passed when reading, only when you looked up from the page, so Caleb refused to do that and Molly seemed happy with the decision. Caleb knew there were only so many hours in a night, and that he shouldn’t use all off them up on a shitty novel, but he didn’t know if he was ever going to get another chance to help someone like he was helping Molly. Feeling useful was a strong drug, and it filled up his body as he read. There was also the fact, lying in the back of his mind, that he was in bed with Molly. That Molly was leaning on him in his bed listening to him read, and wasn’t that just too good to be true? 

He decided he had to stop thinking, then, and he just read. 

He read through the crime scene chapter, he read through the detective’s meeting with the victim’s sister. He read through chapter after chapter, continuously glancing down at Molly to make sure he wasn’t asleep. When Caleb reached the reveal where a voice message from the victim was found on the detective’s phone, Molly sat up. 

“For fuck’s sake!” Molly exclaimed, glaring at Caleb. “She was alive the whole time? Tell me the message is from before she died, tell me he’s just- holding onto it because it’ll help him crack the case or something.” 

Caleb shrugged. “It’s not a very good book,” he said, with a rueful smile. “Are you following along, though?”

A look of confusion and disbelief briefly touched Molly’s face. “I actually- I am.” He looked up at Caleb. “Can you believe that? I am!” 

Molly’s smile was contagious, and Caleb was grinning in seconds. “I knew you could do it! I knew you could do it.” 

“I’m not reading, though,” Molly said, tapping the book with a finger. “I’m listening and seeing, I’m not putting them together.”

“You are, though,” Caleb insisted. “Your brain is, and you don’t even know it.” He hoped he was right. He really, really hoped that this would do something for Molly. 

“You’re the best, Caleb.” Molly pulled out his phone. “Oh, shit, look.” 

Caleb looked. The digital clock on Molly’s lockscreen told him it was just past one in the morning. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to go for that long.”

“No, I was into it too,” said Molly, reading through his texts. “I’m sorry for condemning you to a shitty night’s sleep.” He stretched. “My back is killing me. Driving home is going to hurt.” 

Caleb had half a mind to just ask him to stay, but thought up a less desperate way to phrase it. “Mollymauk, are you complaining just so I offer you my couch?”

“You know me so well.” Molly flashed him a smile. 

Caleb sighed. “There’s a blanket in the closet.” He threw one of his pillows at Molly. 

“Can I take the cat?”

“You’re pushing it,” Caleb said, chuckling under his breath. “I only have one extra blanket, so don’t get cold, and I don’t have anything for you to take your makeup off with. Sorry.”

“Caleb?” Molly had the blanket from the closet gathered up in his arms. 

“Yeah?”

“Don’t worry about it. It’s more than fine.”


	12. 12

From his room, Caleb watched Molly make up a bed on the couch, even tucking in the spare blanket and fluffing the pillow. His heart was actually hurting in a way he didn’t think it could, because watching Molly cook dinner in his kitchen was one thing, but watching Molly make a bed in his living room was that and then some, like everything he’d felt then was multiplied a hundred times and turned back on him now. He had to consciously tell himself to breathe, or he was scared he’d forget. 

He’d been trying to pretend he could think about other things than Molly’s smile and Molly’s tattoos and Molly’s days old eyeliner but he was at the point where it was useless to try and deny anything. 

He just couldn’t say anything, he decided. If he said something he might say the wrong thing, and then Molly would know, and then Molly would leave. 

“Hey,” Molly called, coming back to the bedroom. “Do you have anything I can borrow to sleep in? I kind of have a thing about sleeping in my day clothes.”

“Sure.” Caleb looked through his dresser drawers and pulled out a shirt and some sweats. He tossed them to Molly, and the good night he was trying to say caught in his throat because he didn’t know how he’d deal with seeing Molly in his clothes. 

“Thanks again, Caleb,” Molly said. “It really, really means a lot.” He leaned in and pressed a kiss to Caleb’s forehead. 

Caleb froze, his hand on Molly’s shoulder. He always thought too much, so now he made the mistake not to think, and he grabbed Molly’s shirt and pulled him down into a kiss. 

After a moment, Molly dropped the clothes in favor of burying his hands in Caleb’s hair, and he kissed Caleb back a little too hard for a goodnight kiss. 

Caleb’s mind always ruined good things for him, even now, when Molly was warm and perfect on his lips. He was overwhelmed with the complete and sinking fear that he’d fucked up irreversibly, and that he’d just thrown away one of the only good, healthy relationships in his life. He stumbled back, letting go of Molly’s shirt. “I’m so sorry,” he said, his voice weak. “I am so, so sorry.”

“What?” Molly’s face was tinged pink, his chest was rising and falling just a little quicker than usual. “Caleb, is everything alright?”

“No,” Caleb said, dragging a hand down his face. He could hear the sounds of the city outside through his window, the crunching of car tires on gravel, the crackling of fire on wood, and he’d just burned up another thing he could never get back. He was trying to breathe but he couldn’t get enough air, and he couldn’t believe that he’d messed something else up. It was only a matter of time, he rationalized, before he destroyed everything he thought he had. All he ever did was destroy things. 

“Caleb, take a deep breath.” Molly held Caleb’s hands. “Everything is okay. You’re right here, you’re safe.”

Caleb could hear Molly talking to him and he made himself let the sound of Molly’s voice drown out all the other noise, and all his thoughts. He opened his eyes, and he could see. For the first time all night, he really felt tired, and all the hours he spent reading weighed on him. “Sorry,” he said. 

“You didn’t do anything to be sorry for,” Molly told him, letting go of his hands. “If you want me to forget it ever happened, I will.”

“Please do,” Caleb murmured, and he couldn’t bring himself to look Molly in the eyes. Instead he focused his gaze on the floor.  

“Alright.” Molly gave Caleb a kiss on the cheek. “Done and done. Sleep well, Caleb. I’ll probably be gone when you wake up.” 

Caleb nodded. “Goodnight.” 

He watched Molly carefully shut the door behind him, and he pretended he couldn’t hear the front door close as well or the slam of a car door in the parking lot. He sunk into bed feeling cold and shitty, and even when he turned the lights off he could still see that fucking stupid mystery book on his bedside table, and even though he was exhausted he couldn’t get to sleep. 

He closed his eyes and his thoughts were racing a mile a second, and his heart was beating in his ears and in his fingertips and he didn’t know why he couldn’t just sleep. Well- he knew why, he just didn’t want to acknowledge it. A life of trouble had taught him to ignore problems for as long as he could, and he would continue to ignore that he’d just let Molly slip through his fingers until it tore him apart. 

The more he thought about it, the more he couldn’t get the cold feeling out of his stomach, couldn’t get the regret out of his mind, couldn’t get the taste of Molly out of his mouth. He was stuck in a thought spiral, reliving what he’d done and rethinking what he’d said. He felt utterly unsettled from his body, like he was watching himself from the ceiling, which was always a bad sign. 

Without thinking, he felt around on the bedside table for his phone, and without meaning to, he called Molly. 

“Hi, Caleb.” Molly sounded exhausted. “I- um, I had to get home. Sorry.”

“Hi,” Caleb said, and his mouth was dry. He had a thousand different ways lined up in his head to apologize, and he didn’t know which one to use. He knew he was overthinking it but he couldn’t stop himself. 

“I can’t wait to read with you again,” Molly said, before Caleb could choose one of his prepared statements. “Is it weird that I’m actually psyched to read?”

“No, not at all.” The pressure was off Caleb, he could talk again. And Molly didn’t hang up on him or yell at him or do any of the other things Caleb thought he would. The anxiety and dread that had been sitting in his body was melting away slowly but surely. “It’s good.” 

“I’ll see you later then, yes?” Molly asked. 

“Yes,” Caleb assured him. He felt so much better now, knowing that Molly didn’t hate him. He would hate himself. He did hate himself, most of the time. But hearing positive affirmations in Molly’s voice helped. 

“Can you, like-” Molly sighed. “Can you promise to stop apologizing for everything? I know it’s three in the fucking morning but bear with me- can you promise to stop saying sorry for things that aren’t your fault? I know you do it, and I sure as hell used to, and it’s something I think you need to change.” 

Caleb wasn’t fond of how Molly picked up on that. He tried his best to hide his flaws from his friends. “Are you just saying whatever comes to your mind now?”

“Yeah,” Molly admitted. “But you’re teaching me how to read, so I’m going to teach you how to stop being sorry for being you.” 

The way Molly worded it hit Caleb like a ton of bricks. He couldn’t say anything in response; he was just stuck on processing the words. 

“Does that sound fair?”

Caleb cleared his throat. “I think so,” he said. 

“Was there anything else you needed?” Molly asked. 

Caleb wracked his brains to come up with something, because what he’d honestly called to do was apologize again, and now he couldn’t. If he said he didn’t need anything, then he’d have to say goodbye, which he didn’t want to do, but he couldn’t come up with anything in time and settled for, “Um- no.” 

“Alright. You’re terrific and wonderful and all the other good things I’m too tired to think of. See you later. Have a nice two hours of sleep.” 

“You too.” Caleb had such low standards for kindness that even the smallest complement would make him smile, even over the phone, and what Molly said was far from a small complement. “Goodnight.”

“Goodnight, darling.”

Caleb stared down at his phone for a while after Molly hung up, and he was in shock. He’d made a mistake and it was genuinely forgiven and forgotten. That never happened. But Molly seemed to have erased the kiss from his memories already, and as settling it was for Caleb’s anxiety, a corner of his mind was persistent in wishing that Molly would remember. 


	13. 13

Jester had Fjord drive her again, because she wasn’t ready to let Kiri ride in the back of the car alone, but now they were crammed into her own little Fiat because Fjord’s truck didn’t have a back seat. After more visits to the orphanage, and Kiri’s own visits to Jester’s apartment, she was finally coming home for good. Until someone adopted her. 

Jester kept forgetting that fostering was temporary, and she felt cold whenever she remembered. She hadn’t known Kiri for terribly long, but she was falling in love with the kid. And now she was moving in. 

They’d been driving for more than an hour, but Kiri hadn’t complained or even discussed the length of the trip. She would listen to whatever music Jester had playing, and then ask to hear it again and again and again until she could hum along before letting them go on to the next song. 

Whenever she was with Kiri, Jester couldn’t help but think her heart was going to burst. Her chest always felt so full, and if Kiri wasn’t still wary about contact she’d be hugging her at every chance. She sat next to Kiri, listened to the kid hum, and felt happier than she had in years. 

When they were ten or so minutes from her apartment, she turned to Kiri. “Okay, so I made you up a room but there’s not much in it. We can go out shopping and you can pick what you want for, like, a desk and a trash can and pillows and anything else you want.”

“You’re already spoiling her,” Fjord said from the driver’s seat. 

“Oh my god, shut up, Fjord,” Jester whined. “As if you wouldn’t spoil her.” 

“Fair,” Fjord replied. He tried his best to soften his voice when he said, “Hey, Kiri, we’re almost home, get your things together.”

Kiri pulled her plastic bag of belongings into her lap. She’d fit everything in her little trunk into one bag, and it had rested on the bottom of the car for most of the trip. “Home?” she asked. 

Jester could feel tears welling up in her eyes, and she took the hand Fjord offered back to her. “Yeah,” she said. “I need to show you your room, and we can bake whatever you want for dinner.”

“Jester-” Fjord began. 

“For after dinner,” she amended. 

She led Kiri and Fjord into her apartment, and told Kiri to make herself at home before turning back to Fjord, who hadn’t moved past the door frame. “So?”

Fjord sighed. “I was going to give you the whole don’t get attached speech,” he said, and he dragged a hand down his face and sighed again before shaking his head. “But Jester, you’re going to be a great mom.”

Jester froze for a moment, then threw her arms around his neck. She hadn’t had this many good things in so long, and it was overwhelming. 

Fjord lifted her off the ground a little, just like he always did when he hugged her. “You’re going to be amazing,” he said, talking into her hair. “Remember that kids can’t live on sweets, and that they need to go to bed pretty early, and you can’t show them horror movies.” He put her down. There was such a gentle look in his eyes, a softness to his face that he only got when he was with Jester. 

Jester nodded, and she was crying. It was so hard for her not to cry, when she was discussing Kiri. She wiped her face. “I’m so lucky you’re my friend,” she told him. 

“I’m not kidding around,” Fjord insisted. “You’ll be the best mom in the world.” 

“Fjord, I owe you a million bucks,” she said, and put a hand on his chest. 

He looked down at her hand and cleared his throat a few times. “Uh, you actually just- you just- um- you owe me money for gas, that’s it.” He took her hand off his chest and held it for a few seconds awkwardly before dropping it. “I should head out.” 

“You can stay, if you want,” Jester proposed. 

“I can’t keep you,” Fjord said, and he was actually blushing. “Tell me how her first night goes, though. God, yeah, tell me everything.” 

“Alright. Will do. Bye.” Jester gave him another hug. 

“See you, Jay,” he said, and he gave her a little salute as he backed out of the door. 

Jester watched him go, watched the door shut in her face. It was because of him that she was here today, she considered. She’d met Fjord a few years ago when she was the most suicidal she’d ever been, and after a day of knowing her he decided he had to show up to the bakery she worked at every afternoon just to say hello and so she knew she could talk to him if she needed to. She was in love with him. That was nothing new. She’d been in love with him for years, and that wasn’t going to change, and neither was the fact that they weren’t going to be together. That was just how it was. 

Jester wiped her face again, because she didn’t want to worry Kiri, and poked her head into different rooms until she found Kiri in the kitchen. “Are you hungry?” she asked, kneeling down to be on Kiri’s level. 

Kiri nodded, and tried to reach the counter top. 

“Kiri, that’s a no,” Jester said, pushing her knife block further back. “No knives, okay? Here, I’ll call for takeout.” She pulled out her phone and went to the drawer she kept menus in. “Chinese?”

“Chinese.” 

Jester called, and ordered what she would have liked as a kid, and after hanging up she turned to see Kiri up on the counter. “Kiri, no!” She was laughing, she couldn’t help it. “How did you even get up there?”

Kiri shrugged. 

“Oh my god, get down,” Jester ordered, and she knew she shouldn’t be smiling, but she literally couldn’t stop. 

Kiri hopped down. 

Jester shook her head. “You’re so clever.”

That night, they sat on the couch in the living room and ate takeout right from the boxes, and Kiri pointed out that Jester didn’t have any books to read so they put on the TV instead. They baked cookies that Kiri dumped too many chocolate chips in, and ate them off napkins on the kitchen floor. It was a chaotic, careless first night, and it was perfect, and it winded down at around nine as Jester tucked Kiri into bed in the room she’d made up for her. 

“We can pick out better blankets and pillows and everything tomorrow,” Jester promised, and she gave Kiri a kiss on the forehead. “How do you like the house?”

“It’s home,” Kiri said, and her tone was almost questioning. 

Jester nodded. “Yeah.” 

“Will you stay?” Kiri asked. 

“Of course, I promise.” Jester sat down on the rug and leaned against one of the feet of the bed. She meant to stay just until Kiri fell asleep, but she sat and thought and wasn’t sure if Kiri was sleeping yet and didn’t want to get up and check, so she fell asleep too, her back against the bedpost. She spent Kiri’s first night home right next to her. 


	14. 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw; alcohol

Several weeks of group meetings had been skipped due to Jester’s visits with Kiri and getting accustomed to having her in the house. During those weeks Caleb had been meeting Beau at her gym of choice and getting his ass kicked for an hour and a half on the afternoons they both had off. He’d been reading with Molly too, dancing around how much he wanted to kiss him again. He’d been looking up as much stuff on fostering for Jester as he could, and would send her links and highlights almost nightly. 

Tonight he and Nott were finally going to meet Kiri, Jester’s foster kid. They had gone downtown and Caleb had bought some things he thought a kid would like, and Nott had added to the bag he was compiling with the trinkets she kept pulling out of her pockets. 

He was nervous. He was always at least a little nervous, but he was getting almost jittery. He hadn’t been around kids in a long time, and he hoped Jester was using the articles he sent her, and hoped Kiri liked the books he got for her. And it was exciting. It was sort of a shock that he was getting to that point in his life, the one where friends would have kids. 

He was in the passenger seat of Nott’s gross old sedan with the paper bag of books and jewelry and pretty rocks in his lap, staring out the window as she drove to Jester’s place. 

“Do you think she’ll like me?” Nott asked, rubbing her thumbs meditatively against the leather of the steering wheel. She sounded anxious. 

“Yes,” Caleb answered. 

“Really?”

“Yes,” Caleb repeated, looking over at her. “I’m serious. Everyone loves you.” 

Nott chuckled. “That’s far from true.”

“I-” Caleb caught himself just in time, heart in his throat, before he could tell her that he loved her. Then his thoughts got stuck on it though, on how he loved so many people now and had brainwashed himself into thinking it was wrong to tell them. He wouldn’t live forever, and if he kept putting off things he wanted to say, he’d never say them. He rubbed his hands on his knees, and tried to downplay it to himself when he said, “I love you.” 

Nott glanced over at him, eyes wide. Her lips were moving but no sound was leaving them, like she was trying to talk but she couldn’t figure out what to say. Finally, she settled on, “Caleb, I love you more.” 

They drove the rest of the way to Jester’s in silence, but it was the kind of silence that was comfortable and good, and when they got to her apartment, Nott was still smiling. When they went to the door and rang the bell, she leaned into Caleb for a second, just pressed her shoulder into his arm.

Caleb felt irrationally happy, and seeing Jester only made him happier. 

Jester invited them in and showed them the house, pointing out her kitchen and living room and telling them which parts of the decor she liked the best. “Kiri,” she called. “Come out and meet some friends, please?”

Kiri wandered out of her room, and Caleb grabbed Nott’s shoulder. She was the cutest kid in the world. What she was wearing had the obvious influence of Jester, which made her even cuter. 

Nott knelt down to say hello, and Caleb nudged Jester, who nodded. In moments, Kiri was heading back to her room with Nott in tow, on her way to show off all her new toys. 

Jester brought Caleb back to her dining room, where she had a bunch of papers spread out on the table. “So, this is her file,” she explained. “I got it from my foster lady, it just tells me everything about her I need to know.”

Caleb looked down at the papers, scanned Kiri’s family history - a shitty one - and her diagnoses, ADHD and autism. He sat down at the table, pulled the sheet of paper closer. He could remember the moment when he was diagnosed with autism, when he was young, in the rehabilitation center. He ran a finger over the word. 

“You okay, Caleb?” Jester finally asked. 

“Yes,” he said. “This is for Kiri, by the way.” He gave her the paper bag. 

“She was literally just saying I had no books to read,” Jester said, looking into the bag fondly. She pulled out a ring. “What is this?”

“Nott threw that in,” Caleb informed her. He couldn’t really look away from the file, and was trying not to remember anything too vividly even though the papers were threatening to bring things back; he really didn’t want to think about the center now. 

“Who’s is it?” Jester asked, and she sounded strict and very much like someone who’d had kids for more than a few weeks. 

Caleb chuckled, and he was finally able to look up at her, the threat of reliving a memory fading away. “It’s Kiri’s now.” He shrugged. 

“Fine.” Jester put it back into the bag. 

“How are you doing, Jester?” he asked, because she looked more tired than he’d ever seen her. 

She sighed. “In some ways, better than ever. In others…” She made a seesaw motion with a hand. “But it’s good. I’m really worn out, but in a good way. I’m just nervous something’s going to-” She shrugged. “I don’t know. It sounds silly. Like, I’m scared of something happening.” 

“Things can always happen.” 

“Caleb!” She glared at him. 

“I’m just saying it is not silly. If you’re nervous. You shouldn’t feel silly for anticipating things.” Caleb shook his head. “Sorry, it came out wrong.” 

“No, it’s fine.” Jester leaned her chin on one hand. “I just want wine and a bath and I want to make sure Kiri will be safe for, like, forever.” 

Caleb offered her a hand, because it was what Nott would do and because it made him feel useful. 

Jester held his hand and talked with him about unimportant things like jobs and the weather and she quickly became visibly less stressed. It didn’t take long for their conversation to gravitate towards more of a personal check in, and then towards the topic of Fjord. It was sort of difficult to talk with Jester and to not end up talking about Fjord. 

“He’s so sweet,” she was saying. “He’s too sweet, really, he’s been getting everything for me and driving me everywhere. He’s so good with Kiri.”

“Who’s so good with Kiri?” Nott had silently made her way to the dining room, and stood in the doorway. “She’s asleep, by the way.” 

“She’s asleep? What did you do?” Jester looked up, surprised. 

Nott shrugged, sitting down on the half of Caleb’s seat he moved to share with her. “I just hung out with her. I don’t know. I’m kind of good with kids.” 

“Thanks.” Jester’s voice was full of gratitude. “And Fjord. Fjord is good with Kiri.”

“Fjord is good with everything,” Nott replied, and she wasn’t wrong. 

“Yeah.” Jester sighed. “You ever just can’t stop thinking about a guy? And even if you’re thinking about other stuff, you’re thinking about him?”

Caleb’s mind jumped to Molly, which he knew it shouldn’t have. He just shook his head so he wouldn’t have to lie outright to Jester. 

“Yeah, I’m with Caleb on that,” Nott said, and her voice was faltering more than normal. “No, I don’t really- no, sorry, can’t relate.” 

Jester squinted at her. “Nott, do you have-”

“No!” Nott exclaimed, cutting Jester off. “Whatever you were going to say, no. Absolutely not. Me? No.” She looked down at the papers on the table and avoided both Caleb and Jester’s glances. “Do you have anything to drink?”

“Yeah,” Jester said slowly, a smile spreading across her face. “I’ll go get something.” She went off to the kitchen. 

“Nott,” Caleb said quietly, looking over at her. 

“What?” Her tone was defensive. 

He raised an eyebrow. “Is there something I should know?”

She scoffed. “No. Will you stop asking?”

“Sure,” he said, and he tried to read her expression but he’d always been shit at that and now wasn’t an exception. 

They sat in silence, and in half a minute more Jester came back with a few glasses and box wine. 

“What did I miss?” she asked as she sat down and poured wine. 

“Nothing,” Nott said quickly. “Your kid doesn’t talk much.” 

Jester nodded. “Yeah, she doesn’t. She talks more when you talk to her first.” 

“She’s really cute, Jester,” Nott commented. 

And their conversation settled on the safe topic of Kiri for the rest of the night. 

When Caleb determined he had to go or he’d be exhausted tomorrow, and when Jester was tipsy and Nott was fully drunk, he herded Nott towards the door and thanked Jester for having them over. Jester gave him a kiss on the cheek, which reminded him of Molly, and then he thanked her again and said goodnight. 

“Nott, we’re staying at your place tonight, okay?” he asked, helping her into the passenger seat of her car. 

“Okay.” She fumbled for a few minutes with her seatbelt until he reached over and did it for her. “Caleb, I love you.” 

It was humbling to hear, and it was freeing to be able to return it. Caleb put a hand on her shoulder as he started the drive towards her apartment. “Yeah. I love you too.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> bordering on nott backstory here...


	15. 15

“Yash, I’m so fucked.” Molly had his head in Yasha’s lap, and he stared up at the ceiling of her dingy apartment as he complained to her. Talks like these were the closest they got to having real discussions, as Yasha was a very quiet person and Molly had a complicated relationship with words. “It’s really bad.”

“Um.” Yasha ran a hand through Molly’s hair. “I bought you some sage and lavender yesterday, if that helps any.” 

“Maybe he likes sage,” Molly said, almost not even joking. He sighed. “Thanks. You’re the best.” 

“Mo, you’re-”

“I know. I know! I’m crazy into someone who’s far from being into me; I’m a fucking idiot.” Molly rubbed his temples. “But he reads to me, like- how can he do that and not expect me to be all over him? He does the cutest shit and-” He shook his head. “But he’s not into me and I’m not going to push him, so that’s the end of that.” 

Yasha chuckled. “I was going to say you’re depressing me.”

“Fuck off, you’re worse about Beau.” 

“Beau is beautiful,” Yasha argued. “She’s the most beautiful woman I’ve- she’s gorgeous, it’s justified when it’s about her. Caleb looks like he’s never had a decent night of sleep in his life, and he barely even talks at group.”

“Oh my god, shut up,” Molly whined. 

“I’m not saying that’s bad, I’m just saying he’s much less intimidating to… you know.” Yasha shrugged, and she buried her hands in Molly’s hair again. “Talk to.” 

“Yash, you’re six feet tall, nothing should intimidate you,” Molly pointed out. 

“She’s… pretty,” Yasha said in excuse. 

“Yeah, and Caleb is-” Molly couldn’t find a word to sum him up. “He’s Caleb, and he’s perfect, and I just want to do things over, okay?”

Yasha looked down at him, thoughtful. “What did you mess up?”

“You think I know?” Molly gave a bitter laugh. “He kissed me and then he told me to forget it, so I’m not really sure where I stand. It’s, like, hard to spend time with him now, you know? Because I’m fucking head over heels, and I have to pretend like I’m not, and like nothing happened, and it’s- it’s bullshit. I’m bullshitting him every time I’m with him.” 

“Molly-”

“What?”

“You’re too hard on yourself.” 

“You’re too hard on yourself too,” Molly returned, looking up at her. He sat up out of her lap so he could be at eye level. “Talk to me, darling. Tell me why you’re here and not in the arms of one dumbass MMA bastard right now.” He inquired not because he didn’t want to talk about his own problems - he loved talking about his own problems - but because it was instinct for him to put other people first, and Yasha first of all. 

“Because.” Yasha rested her face in her hands. 

“Yash…” Molly looked over at her expectantly. 

Yasha let out a long sigh. “She’s too good for me.” 

Molly snorted. “Wait, are we thinking of the same person?”

“Enough, Molly. You and Beau can talk shit about each other as much as you want, but,” Yasha shrugged, “everyone knows you love each other. And she is too good for me.”

“No one’s too good for you,” Molly told her. “I don’t really think anyone’s too good for anyone, unless one of them is a real piece of shit. People are just equal, and that’s how it goes. Beau isn’t too good for you, you guys are actually pretty perfect for each other.”

“Maybe.” Yasha wound one of her braids around her finger. “That makes it shittier, because we’re never going to get together.”

Molly scoffed. “You think she doesn’t like you?”

“I don’t know if she likes me,” Yasha replied. “I’m scared to do something that makes her remember things she doesn’t want to. I know her parents put her through a lot of shit and I can’t be the one who brings it back up.” 

“Ask first. Whenever I’m around people who have been through stuff I always ask about everything,” Molly told her. 

“Are you trying to make me ask her out?”

“Are you telling me you don’t want to?”

Yasha gave him a gentle push. “You’ve got me there. It has to be perfect, though, and I don’t know what’s… what’s perfect for her.”

Molly smiled at her. “You are such a romantic.”

Yasha shrugged. “I try to be decent. But- no, I can’t, she’s too- she’s not- I’m-” Yasha stopped, shaking her head. “I can’t.” 

“She said the same thing about you a couple of weeks ago.” 

“You’re kidding, right?” Yasha said slowly, glaring at him like he was written in a language she couldn’t speak but was trying to understand. 

“No,” he said, holding up his hands. He was laughing. It was just classic Yasha, and classic Beau. “I swear to god, she was literally doing what you’re doing right now.” 

Yasha held her hands over her mouth, and eventually she started laughing too. “Wait, she likes me?”

Molly raised his eyebrows. “Yeah, she’s only been telling you for the past year and a half, dear.” 

“She told me?” Yasha asked incredulously. 

“Not in so many words, I mean-” Molly considered. “You need to learn how to read between the lines. She’s been flirting with you forever.” 

Yasha shook her head, eyes wide. “I… can’t believe it. Mo, what flowers are the best to give someone you love?”

“Jasmine. Violet. Acacia,” Molly suggested. “Are you actually going to do it?”

Yasha blinked. “Maybe. I don’t know. Ugh, maybe.”

“You have my blessing,” he said, and even though he was joking he knew it was the kind of think she might take seriously, so he made sure his smile was genuine. 

“Thanks,” she replied, and then they fell into sort of a thoughtful silence for a few minutes until she added, “Do you want to keep talking about Caleb?”

Molly settled back into her lap. “You know me so well.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> molly n yasha r both so dumb and so gay


	16. 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw; discussion of past homophobia

“Where are you?”

“At home,” Caleb said, surprised and a little scared by both the tone of Beau’s voice and the unexpectedness of her phone call. “Is everything okay?”

“No.” Beau’s voice was tight and worried. “I’m freaking the fuck out right now, man.” 

“What is going on?” Caleb stood from his desk, gripped by how scared she sounded. She never sounded scared. 

“My fucking dad, dude. He’s here. In the city.”

Caleb didn’t know Beau’s whole story, only what she threw at him between punches at the gym. He knew her and her father didn’t speak, he knew she hated him, but not much past that. “Is it okay?”

“Can I stay with you? Please- Caleb, please, please, please. I can’t ask Jester because of the kid and Fjord lives so far away and- Caleb, I need to go somewhere he can’t find me and he knows where my place is-”

“Alright, alright,” Caleb interrupted, feeling her panic threaten to rub off on him. “Deep breath, okay? Of course you can stay with me. Come over whenever.” 

“I’m on my way over now.” 

“That’s fine. That’s good.” Caleb was talking slowly, hoping to calm her down. Hearing Beau scared was scaring him, because she was so steadfast and strong, and whatever scared Beau was probably fucking terrifying. “You can always come here. Whenever you need time, or anything.” 

“Which apartment is yours?”

“Um, third floor,” Caleb told her. “On the right coming up the stairs. Beau, do you know how long this is going to last?”

“No.” She sounded out of breath. “Until the bastard leaves, I guess.” 

“Will you tell me what’s going on with-”

“Hey, I’m here, open the door.” 

Caleb heard her banging on it, and hurried to open it. 

Beau looked bad. She looked like she hadn’t slept in a while, or changed her makeup, and she was almost shaking as she brushed past him into the house. She sank down onto the couch and put her head in her hands. She was saying something to herself, murmuring not quite loud enough for Caleb to hear. 

Caleb watched her for a moment, then tentatively sat down next to her. 

“Thanks for letting me crash with you,” she said, her voice low and hollow. She was staring at a fixed point on his floor, her eyes not moving from that point. A tear rolled down her cheek, and she brushed it away with the back of a hand.

“Beau-” 

“I’m okay, okay?” Her hands were fists. “Before you ask. I’m okay.” 

Caleb sat in silence and watched her for a few minutes. He cleared his throat. “Would you-

“I’m fucking fine, Caleb,” she said through gritted teeth. 

“I was going to ask if you wanted something to drink. Tea. Whiskey.” Caleb almost put a hand on her shoulder, because it was what Molly would do, but thought better of it. Touching Beau when she wasn’t fully present might lead to getting punched. 

Beau shakily blew a breath out, hands going up to hold her head. Her eyes hadn’t moved from that spot on the floor. “I’m going to vomit,” she said quietly.

Caleb led her to the bathroom and waited outside when she wouldn’t let him come in, trying not to listen. After almost twenty minutes, he tapped on the door. “Beau? Are you okay?”

“Yeah.” Her voice was raw and low behind the door. 

“Can I come in?” Caleb asked. 

“Yeah.” 

Caleb pushed the door open gently and went to her. 

She was sitting on the floor, and her whole body was shaking. Sweat glistened on her bare shoulders, and her hair stuck to her temples and cheeks. She was holding her knees to her chest, looking again at nothing. 

“Beau…” he said softly. He sat down next to her, and the cold tiles of his bathroom floor made him shiver. 

“I’m okay,” Beau choked out.

Caleb wanted to touch her but wasn’t sure if she could stand that now. “Take a shower,” he told her. “That will help. I’m going to make dinner, what do you want?”

“I’m not hungry,” she said, but she let Caleb help her to her feet, and she started to shuck off her clothes. 

Caleb looked away. “Will you be alright if I leave you for a while? To cook?”

“I am alright,” she insisted. 

He tried to make eye contact with her, but she wouldn’t look at him, and he closed the bathroom door behind him as he left. 

He heard the shower go on after a few minutes, which he took as a good sign. He wasn’t sure of what to do. He’d never seen Beau like this, and he hadn’t heard of a time when she’d been like this from Jester or Fjord. And she kept saying she was fine. He didn’t end up cooking anything. He sat at the card table in his den and stared at the wall and thought about questions he couldn’t answer, because he couldn’t help her if she kept insisting she didn’t need help. 

Eventually she came out of the shower and went to his room and when she finally joined him at the table, she was wearing his clothes and her hair was dampening the collar of the sweater she’d picked out. She sat across from Caleb without talking, barely moving save for tightening the grip of her hands in the fabric of her pants. 

They sat opposite each other in silence for what felt like much too long, and the sun set in the windows of the den. 

Caleb made himself get up and make ramen, and he set a bowl of it down in front of Beau. He watched as she stared down at it, brushing the top of it with her fork. 

She looked up at him, locking eyes with him for a moment, then back down at her soup, and she started to cry. Her face twisted up as she tried to stop herself, and her hands made fists on the table. 

“Beau?” he whispered. 

“I’m not okay,” she said in response, her voice hushed and drowned in tears, and then she began to sob.

Caleb went over and knelt by her chair and held her hands as she cried, and he didn’t move until her sobs were beginning to fade. Then he brought her to the couch and gave her a blanket and put her ramen back in the microwave. When he went to the living room with hot soup for her, he found her all wrapped up and staring at the black, empty screen of his TV. He went to set down her ramen, but she grabbed it from him before it reached the coffee table. 

Beau ate like she hadn’t had a solid meal in days, and when she was done she put her dish on the floor and leaned on Caleb like he was a pillow. Her voice was worn through when she said, “I feel like I owe you an… explanation. Something. Can I talk to you?”

Caleb awkwardly wrapped an arm around her shoulders. “If you want to.” 

“Um- so-” She sniffed, and let out a sigh. “My dad wanted a son, so right off the bat I was wrong. And it just got worse as I grew up. He was all business all the time and my mom left when I was eight and she wouldn’t take me with her. Can’t blame her. He was an asshole and I was a piece of shit even as a kid. So it was just me and my dad growing up, and he didn’t know a fucking thing about how to be a father. I wasn’t allowed on his side of the house, I had to make my own dinner or get takeout, I couldn’t have people over. That’s fucked, right? Like- a family shouldn’t be like that, right?”

Caleb shook his head. 

“Yeah. And it was just, like, shitty. So I started doing less cool things,” Beau continued. “Got into shit with some bad people. Got into illegal shit. Got into drugs. I was sixteen, I think. And my dad pretended it wasn’t happening, you know? Pretended he couldn’t see it on me so he wouldn’t have to deal with it. Until he saw me with a girl. Isn’t that so fucking-” She was gripping the blanket too tight. “-so stupid? He was okay with me doing drugs but not girls.” She laughed shortly, and it died quickly. “So he sent me to a camp.” Her words were so seperate it was like they were different sentences. 

Caleb was rubbing her shoulder, ignoring how much weight she was putting on him. 

“For girls who like girls.” Beau’s voice was mocking. “And it was fucking hell on earth. Psychoanalysis, therapy, every day, and everything those people said was bullshit and I knew it but after a month saying I was cured or whatever was better than the fucking humiliation. I was sixteen, man. And they put me in ice water when they thought I wasn’t getting better quick enough. Jesus fucking christ.” She ran a hand through her hair and sighed, staring at the wall. “So that’s it. I took off the second they let me out and didn’t go home. That’s my fucked up story.” 

“I’m sorry,” was the first thing out of Caleb’s mouth, and then, “I didn’t know.” 

“How could you, man? I never tell people.” Beau’s voice was shaking but the casual nature of her words suggested she was feeling more like herself than she was hours ago. “Thanks for, uh… thanks for listening.” 

“You can stay for as long as you need to, alright?”

“Yeah. Thanks.” Beau didn’t let go of Caleb, leaning if anything more heavily on him. 

Caleb pulled the blanket up over them both, and accepted the fact that his back would hurt in the morning because he wasn’t willing to get up and leave Beau on the couch for his bed. He fell asleep that night with the lights still on, with Beau’s solid weight and steady breathing as a lullaby. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [there is now a GORGEOUS piece of fanart for this fic, which you can find here!! check it out!](https://mightynein69.tumblr.com/post/177075690057/a-modern-au-nott-for-the-fanfic-trust-fall)


	17. 17

Almost a week had passed since Beau started living with Caleb. They’d fallen into a sort of pattern where they stayed out of each other’s ways enough to avoid most conflict, but could still confide in each other when needed. She’d gotten comfortable with him, and he was almost comfortable with her. It was hard for him to be completely comfortable with people, and the only one he’d gotten that close to was Nott.

They had their first group in a while to go to, and then Caleb was going back home with Molly to read. As he sat in the back of Nott’s old car he could feel the weight of having to spend time with Molly on his mind. 

“So, Jester is bringing Kiri today,” Nott said, as she went through two consecutive yellow lights a second before they turned red. 

“I haven’t really met her yet,” Beau admitted. “I’ve seen pictures, but yeah. That’s it.”

“You’re going to love her,” assured Nott. “She’s the cutest kid in the world.” 

“I’m not super good with kids.” Beau was tying up her hair into its regular bun. “I hope Jester’s, like, cool about it.”

“You will be fine.” Caleb gave her a pat on the shoulder.

“Yeah. Maybe.” Beau sighed. 

When they all made the trip out of the car and to the building and up the stairs, Caleb was happy in a way he often wasn’t. He’d missed having group, he could admit that. He was glad Jester was taking time to figure out having a kid, but he’d found himself wanting those few hours a week with the lovable disasters of people he’d gotten so attached to. And now he was getting to be with them again. 

Fjord got up to greet them when they came in, like he had the first time Caleb met him, his smile bright. His scar stood out more when he smiled, a lighter shade than the rest of his face. He threw out greetings to them all, and ushered them into the room.

Kiri sat on one of the couches next to Jester, and she looked up, her wide eyes settling on Caleb and Beau for a moment before quickly going to Nott, and a smile spread across her face. 

Jester introduced Beau and Kiri to each other, and then went to sit with Caleb. From there, she watched Fjord pull Kiri onto his lap, and watched Molly drape himself over Fjord’s shoulders so he could keep talking to Kiri. “Everyone loves her,” she said quietly. 

“She’s too cute,” Caleb replied. “Look, even Beau…”

And he was right- Beau was kneeling in front of Fjord, trying to steal Kiri’s attention away from Molly. 

“She deserves it. She deserves all the love in the world.” Jester leaned over into Caleb and sighed. “I can’t wait for her to start school and make friends. There’s just- there are so many things I can’t wait for. So many firsts.”

“You sound like a mom.” Caleb looked over at her. 

Jester blushed. “I’m not, though.”

“But-”

“Foster mom. There’s a difference,” she told him.

After a moment of silence during which Caleb wondered if he had said something wrong, and if there was a reason why she felt it necessary to correct him that she wasn’t saying, he asked, “Where’s Yasha?”

Yasha wasn’t there, and although she was usually quiet, her sheer size and presence made her absence very noticeable. 

“She might be here later. She said something about wanting to get some shopping done.” Jester shrugged. “She had to buy flowers or something. She likes to get that kind of stuff for Molly every once in a while.” 

“Does Molly like flowers?” Caleb asked. 

Jester raised an eyebrow at him, a smile sneaking onto her face. “Molly likes everything. Literally. He loves things like it’s his job. Why?”

“No reason.” Caleb looked down at his hands until he thought he’d waited long enough for the pressure of her question to fade away. “Jester, what happened to him?”

“What do you mean?”

“I know he had an accident a couple of years ago, and I know it fucked with his memory, but what happened?” Caleb asked.

“Um.” Jester shook her head. “It’s not my place to tell you, man.” 

Caleb nodded. “Sorry. I shouldn’t have asked.”

“I mean, ask away. Just… him, not me.” Jester gave him a smile. “You understand, right?”

“Yeah. Sorry.” Caleb felt bad for going behind Molly’s back about it, and Jester assuring him he didn’t do something wrong was only racking up his guilt. He went back to watching and not speaking, which was what he was better at. 

He watched Jester go over to everyone and take Kiri from Fjord. He watched Nott sit on the floor so Kiri could braid her hair. He watched the door, just in case Yasha showed up late. She didn’t. He tried not to watch Molly, but it was hard, so he just pretended he couldn’t see him. He pretended so fervently that he was almost surprised when he felt Molly’s hand come down on his shoulder. He looked up. 

“Earth to Caleb.” Molly chuckled. “Are you ready to head out?”

“Is it time?” Caleb hoped he didn’t dissociate the whole hour away. 

“Almost,” Molly answered, draping an arm over Caleb’s shoulders and leaning back into the couch. “And I want to pick up coffee on the way over. Do you want a ride?”

“I don’t need one.” Caleb said automatically. His apartment wasn’t too far a walk. 

“That literally wasn’t what I asked, though.” Molly looked over at him. “Do you want a ride?”

“Do you want to give me a ride?” Caleb shot back, just so the decision wasn’t on him, so he wouldn’t be selfish if he accepted. And maybe because it was fun to bounce questions back and forth with Molly.

Molly snorted, hand coming up to cover a laugh. His cheeks went red, and he bit his knuckles. “Um-” he finally began. “I’d like nothing more.” He looked away, made a sound that was between a laugh and a cough, and glanced momentarily over to the empty chair that Yasha usually sat in, still grinning. 

Caleb knew it was sort of a double entendre, he’d known it when he said it, and he’d said it because he knew it would make Molly laugh. Molly got a kick out of immature jokes. He felt proud when Molly laughed, and he felt satisfied that even a joke could make Molly blush, though he knew he shouldn’t. 

“Alright, asshat. Get up.” Molly retracted his arm and stood. “We’re going.” 

Caleb laughed, and slowly got up. He went over to Nott and bent his head so she could give him a kiss, and he waved goodbye to Kiri. Then he stood by the door and watched Molly take his time with goodbyes. 

Molly went to Beau first and almost got to give her a hug before she batted him away. Then he kissed Fjord and Jester on the cheeks, and got a kiss back from Jester and a deep blush from Fjord. He ruffled Nott’s hair and patted Kiri’s shoulder and finally joined Caleb by the door, giving everyone a final wave. 

“People love you,” Caleb commented, as they made their way out into the parking lot. The air was crisp and chilling, and he tucked himself up in his coat. 

“Aww.” Molly unlocked his car. “Thanks.” 

“No, I was just- I was- it was an observation,” Caleb clarified. “Kiri really liked you.” 

“I’m good with kids,” Molly said. “Hey, question. Will Beau be… gracing us with her presence at your place?”

Caleb shook his head, leaning against the window as the car began to move. “She’s at the gym from now until dinner. Same every day.” 

“Nice.” 

Caleb wondered why Molly asked, and why he was pleased with the answer. He knew that Molly and Beau liked to play fight, but that they really were close with each other. He sat silently for the rest of the drive, almost feeling sleepy. He had sort of a Pavlovian response to being in Molly’s car after the first night, and every time, he nearly fell asleep. And he wasn't scared. He noted that for the first time despite having been in Molly’s car many times before. Normally, he’d be scared to feel less than completely alert anywhere but his own apartment, but he felt… safe. It was weird, but nice. 

When they got to the apartment after stopping for coffee, Frumpkin greeted them at the door, complaining loudly because Beau had gotten into the habit of leaving windows open, and the breeze and smells from outside disagreed with him when he himself couldn’t be outside with them. 

Caleb picked him up and went over to close the window. “He, uh… he starts to yell if I do not close these. Sorry.” 

“No, it’s too cold to have windows open anyways.” Molly sat down on the couch and held his arms out until Caleb passed Frumpkin to him. “Alright. Read me a story, Caleb.” He had one hand on the cat’s head and one around his cup of coffee, and he looked so at home they might as well have been at his place. 

Caleb picked up the book, flipping through it a few times. “Actually, could we talk first?”

Molly squinted at him, but said, “Sure, darling. What’s on your mind?”

“What happened to you?” Caleb would usually have danced around such a question, been timid about asking, but curiosity got the better of him. 

“Oh.” A slight smile touched Molly’s face, and he shook his head. “Right. There was an accident, a crash, and I… didn’t come out alright.” 

Caleb stared at him, trying to read him. 

“I was sort of in a coma for…” Molly chuckled. “For too long. Lost a couple of years. But it doesn’t matter, because when I woke up, I’d lost everything anyway. Couldn’t remember a thing.”

“Anything?” Caleb asked, then regretted speaking. 

“Yeah. Woke up and didn’t know who I was, what happened, anything.” Molly had his hands buried in Frumpkin’s fur. “It’s good, though.”

“What?” 

“It’s good. I don’t want to know who I was before the crash, and I’ve had two years to just be me,” Molly explained. “I was angry and scared for a few months at the beginning, and then I realized that I got an opportunity that most people just dream of, you know? I got to start over. And so I did. And I’m so happy now.” 

Caleb was smiling. He didn’t know what he’d expected, but this was better. 

“Like, I don’t have inhibitions now. I can love everyone and be kind to everyone because who gives a fuck, right? And who knows when it’ll be over, so why not just be the best you can be?” Molly continued. “And I still have nightmares and shit, and imagining who I was before keeps me up at night sometimes, but it doesn’t matter because I love who I am now.”

Caleb nodded. It explained why Molly was so immediately kind to him, why Molly had such a positive outlook.

“And you’ll be surprised by the amount of eighties songs I’ve been able to memorize in only two years with my shit memory,” Molly added. 

Caleb laughed, and let Molly pull him down onto the couch. “Do you want to read?”

“That would be cool,” Molly said. “I think sitting and talking might be cooler.” 

“Alright.” 

They sat, and they didn’t talk. Molly drank his coffee and leaned his head on Caleb’s shoulder and pet Frumpkin. Caleb was fine with not reading, and he told himself to ignore that his cat asleep in Molly’s lap was the cutest thing he’d ever seen, and to ignore that having Molly pressed to his side was grounding in the best way. He wondered how long he could keep ignoring things like that, and decided it was for at least another night. 


	18. 18

Yasha made her way up through the gym she knew Beau liked to practice at. She’d skipped group in favor of writing confessions out, both in her head and on paper, and walking through flower place after flower place before finally just picking things out of the little garden she kept on her balcony. She tried to remember Molly’s advice, but her mind was blank and full of panic. 

She’d forced herself to go to the gym so she couldn’t back out. She’d look like an idiot now if she backed out. She had to remind herself to keep breathing, and continuously asked herself what the worst that could happen was. She could lose Beau. That would be the worst thing in the world. She pushed that thought to the back of her mind and made her way down the hall.

The gym was bright, and loud, and there were lots of people. It seemed like a place Beau would be very at home in. She could feel her heartbeat in her fingertips, in her fist clenched around the strap of her bag. She opened a door and stepped into a room covered with mats and decorated with hanging punching bags. “Beau?” she called tentatively. 

“Give me a second.” Beau’s voice came from behind a stack of mats. She appeared after a moment, standing, still wrapping her hands in strips of white fabric. Her gloves dangled by her waist. “Oh, hey, Yasha. Want to spar?”

“Um-” Yasha froze, and felt heat creep up onto her cheeks. “Sure, but can I say something first? Or- no, can I give you something first?”

Beau eyed Yasha’s bag. “What is it?”

“Alright.” Yasha reached into her bag, pulled out a handful of violets. She looked down at them. “I didn’t think this through. I don’t know where you’ll put them. Damn it.”

“What’s going on?” Beau narrowed her eyes at Yasha. 

“Sorry- here.” Yasha held out the flowers. 

Beau took them, looking down at them intently. “Thanks.”

“I didn’t bring any water or anything, I’m sorry,” Yasha said, trying to read the expression on Beau’s face. 

“No problem, I’ll stick them here.” Beau unscrewed the top of her water bottle and arranged the violets in it as if it were a vase. She set it down on a stack of mats nearby. 

Yasha nodded, steeling herself. She took a deep breath, and couldn’t bring herself to look up at Beau. “I admire you a lot,” she began. “And I think we’ve made a lot of really good memories together, and- I really want to keep doing that. With you.”

Beau looked apprehensive, almost confused. 

“I mean,” Yasha continued, “we’ve known each other for more than a year, and I think we really had a good time. I had a good time. And-” 

“Wait, wait, wait-” Beau shook her head. She sounded upset; she looked scared. “Are you leaving?”

“What?” Yasha looked up. 

“You’re leaving. You’re moving, or some dumb shit.” Beau held a hand to her forehead. She looked like she was going to start crying. “I knew it, I- the sentimental bullshit, the flowers- you’re saying goodbye.” 

“No, I’m not.” Yasha was confused. “I can’t afford to move, you know that.” 

“Wait, then what the hell are you doing?” Beau stopped the nervous pacing she’d started on. “Oh my god, you’re not going to come to group anymore. Is that why you weren’t there today?”

“Beau, can you stop?” Yasha already didn’t know how she was going to say what she had to, and Beau panicking over nothing wasn't helping. She didn’t want to sound harsh, but everything she said sounded harsh. “I gave you flowers, and- and I came here to talk to you because of you, not because of me.”

Beau’s eyes widened, and the confusion on her face only grew. “Okay?”

“Because, um-” Yasha faltered. She closed her eyes, gave herself a second. “Because you’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever met, and the strongest, and the funniest, and the bravest, and today seems like a day you deserve flowers.”

“What do you mean?” Beau muttered, sounding skeptical. She was blushing. 

“You actually deserve flowers everyday,” Yasha amended. “And other good stuff too, like someone who can make you breakfast and cheer you on no matter what you’re doing. And I’m not super good at making breakfast, but… I’m… I love you.” 

Beau blinked. “What?” 

“I love you,” Yasha repeated, and she shrugged. “I really love you and I was wondering if I could take you out to dinner tonight.” 

“Are you kidding?” Beau clapped a hand over her mouth. “Oh my god! Yasha, are you fucking with me?”

“No, why would I do that?”

“Oh my god.” Beau shook her head. “Oh my god.” 

Yasha bit her lip. She wasn't sure if she’d made a mistake, or if Beau’s reaction was good or bad. Reading people was so hard for her. “Is it okay? You can say no-”

“Yasha, I’m so fucking in love with you,” Beau interrupted. “Are you- have you not noticed? I’ve only been trying to get you to ask me out for, like, a whole year.”

“Really?” Yasha’s eyebrows went up. “I feel stupid.”

“Don’t, oh my god.” Beau was grinning ear to ear. “Don’t.” 

Yasha nodded, and there were a few moments of silence. “So is that a-”

“That’s a yes for dinner, yes,” Beau said quickly. 

After waiting a little longer, Yasha asked, “Do you still want to spar?” 

“If by spar you mean make out, then yes.” Beau laughed a little, and glanced back to her water bottle, eyes settling on the flowers. 

“Not here.” Yasha shook her head. “It doesn’t smell nice here.” 

Beau threw her head back and cackled. “You’re not wrong, Yash. You’re not wrong. I think I’m going to head back to Caleb’s and get dressed up and shit. Text me time and place, okay?”

Yasha nodded. “Okay. Um, may I walk you out?”

Beau started to giggle. “Holy shit,” she laughed, holding a hand over her mouth. She nodded, and took the hand Yasha offered to her. 

They walked out of the gym together, hand in hand, Yasha carrying both Beau’s bag and her own, and Beau proudly holding the water bottle with the flowers. There was so much joy in Yasha’s heart that her chest felt about to burst, but somehow whenever she looked over at Beau, at how happy Beau was, how proud she looked, the feeling doubled. She didn’t know how she was going to survive an actual date. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i love both of them so much......


	19. 19

“Second date with Yasha, man,” Beau was saying as she tried to tie her hair up with one hand and grabbed the doorknob with the other. “Going to crush it.” 

“I’m sure you are,” Nott said, from her usual spot on Caleb’s couch. “First one went well, I take it?”

“Yeah, last Friday.” Beau stood in the doorway. “She asked me a bunch of times where I wanted to go and I didn’t know and honestly I didn’t give a shit so we went over to her place and she cooked and it was the best fucking night ever.” 

“That’s great. Have fun.” Nott gave her a thumbs up. 

“Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do,” Caleb said as he sat down next to Nott. 

Beau shook her head and left the apartment. She called over her shoulder, “Then I wouldn’t do anything!”

Caleb chuckled as Beau shut the door behind her. “I’m so glad she’s happy.” 

“It’s, uh…” Nott was fidgeting, looking down at the ground. “It’s nice.”

“Are you alright?” Caleb asked slowly, turning to her. 

“Um- no.” Nott hung her head. “I lied to you, Caleb, and I lied to Jester, and I feel awful about it.” 

“Is this about-”

“Yeah, when I was weird about- yeah.” Nott nodded. “It wasn’t even a big deal, it wasn’t a secret or something I should lie about, it just… it was on impulse. Jester asking about guys just freaked me out, I panicked.” 

Caleb held her hand. “I lied too,” he admitted, and the words felt tight in his throat and wrong on his lips. Then, to get the pressure off of him, he added, “I didn’t know you had someone. You told me, the first night-”

“I don’t have him,” Nott said, her voice small. She let out a breath and held Caleb’s hand with both of hers. “I don’t know if I ever did, I don’t know where he is or if-” She shook her head adamantly. “I don’t know.” 

“Who is he?” Caleb asked in what he hoped was a gentle voice. Nott looked like she was going to start crying, and nothing broke his heart faster than Nott crying. 

“He’s, um… he’s just really kind.” Nott’s voice broke. “He’s so smart and patient and when I was- he looked after me. In jail. When no one else would. And the fights I got into that weren’t over me were over him. He was too kind for that place, he wouldn’t fight back for himself.” She sighed. “I don’t even know if I really liked him that way, he was just all I had.” 

“You don’t know where he is?” Caleb inquired. “No address?”

Nott shrugged. “Well, he gave me an address. And then he gave me another, and another, and when they let him out I still had six months left so it wasn’t like I could ask him which was the right one.”

“Did you call him?”

“Tried to. Found out that things they say they give everyone they don’t have to give everyone.” She shook her head. “I could only make calls, for instance, if they were to my parents.” 

“That’s bullshit,” Caleb said, and it was, and he wondered, if he looked through enough state legislature, if he could find something good enough to take to court. 

“Yeah,” Nott agreed. “But I can’t do anything about it now. I mean, I still send letters. I send one every week. Some of them don’t get sent back to me, but I haven’t gotten any replies either.”

“Nott, I’m sorry.” Caleb patted her shoulder. 

She shrugged him off. “It’s alright. They’re going to get through eventually. He’s going to get them.” She said it so firmly. 

Caleb looked down at her, and smiled a little. He loved it when she was so sure about something. “What’s his name?”

“Yeza,” she answered, and a smile came up on her face as well. “Caleb, I can’t wait for you to meet him. He’s so clever, he’s-” She paused. “He’s a lot like you, actually. Well, more handsome and charming and heroic, but… maybe he’s a little like you. You both like to read.”

“Are you saying I’m not charming?” Caleb laughed. 

“Yes.” Nott leaned her head on his shoulder, and rested there in comfortable silence for a moment before saying, “I really do like him, though. I did. I do.”

“Nott…” Caleb looked down at her. 

“They’re going to get through,” she said again, more forcefully. “They’re going to get through and I’ll see him again and he’ll be okay.” 

Caleb sighed. He wished he knew more, so he could say something both logical and comforting, but now he was stuck with choosing one or the other. “He’ll be okay,” he echoed, and he’d gone with comforting. 

After a while of silence, Nott sat back up away from Caleb so she could scrutinize him. “Wait, you were lying too. Who-”

“Come on, Nott,” Caleb groaned. 

“Caleb…?” Nott prodded him expectantly, clearly just as happy to have the focus of the conversation off her as he was before she switched it on him. 

Caleb blew out a breath and dragged his hands down his face. “It’s no one.” 

“Are you kidding me? You can’t run away every time you have feelings,” Nott said, and her voice softened. “I’ve tried it, it doesn’t work. You told me you love me, right?”

“You’re different,” Caleb said, voice muffled by his hands. “I can actually read you. I trust you.”

Nott put a hand on his shoulder. “Caleb, I love you, but this isn’t healthy. It’s so, so stupid to keep feelings to yourself because you never know when you might just- not be able to tell him anymore.” 

“Nott-”

Nott was tugging at her hair again, like she always did when she got too nervous or anxious. “No, this isn’t about me. I missed my chance but you’re not going to miss yours.” 

Caleb locked eyes with her for a moment. She was the first person, all that time ago, that he’d been able to look in the eye. Since then, he’d gotten more comfortable with it, but it was still the best with her. He sighed. “I fall in love easily,” he began. “Too easily, and in the past it has gotten me into some bad situations. This time feels better, but only because I haven’t done anything about it yet, I think. And I’m scared of messing up and I’m scared of making mistakes because- Nott- all I ever do is make mistakes. And I can’t lose- I can’t lose him. Everything right now is so perfect, and it’s too good to believe, and I know I’ll mess it up sooner or later so I’m- I can’t do anything. Because I can’t lose anyone else. And if I get close to people it will hurt more to lose them, and-” 

“Caleb, Caleb, Caleb,” Nott murmured, taking Caleb’s head in her hands. She ran a thumb over his cheek, wiping away tears he hadn’t even registered falling. “This is a lot. Why haven’t you talked to me about this before?”

“Because I’m scared,” Caleb answered, his throat tight with tears. He hadn’t really cried in years, and he couldn’t believe he was going to do it in front of someone. “It’s so weird, and bad, and I can’t tell anyone or-”

“Caleb.” Nott made eye contact, made sure he was looking at her. “You’re not going to lose anyone by letting yourself open up a little. This just shows how much you care about us, it’s not bad. Caring is not bad.” 

Caleb’s eyes were wide and filled with tears and he looked at her like he couldn’t understand what she was saying. 

Nott was still holding his face, and she looked desperate even though her voice was calm and sad. “You can let yourself love, okay?”

Caleb nodded, and tried to say something, but his voice snapped in his throat and he started to really cry, nodding again. He was shaking, and his instinct was to be alone, but he felt so safe when he was with Nott that he was fighting it. He hated crying, especially in front of someone, but once he started, he couldn’t stop. 

Nott pulled him into a hug, her hands tight in his hair and on his back. “No matter how many things you do,” she said, voice quiet and solemn, “you’ll never make a mistake that will drive me away. You’re never going to lose me, I promise. I promise. I promise.”

She murmured fierce and loving reassurances to him like mantras as he cried onto her shoulder, holding him like a mother holds her child. 

Caleb went through the first good cry he’d had in almost five years, and when the tears and the gasps had subsided and he was left with a swollen face and a worn through voice, he said, for the first time, “It’s Mollymauk. I love Mollymauk.”

Nott held onto Caleb for a few moments more. “I know,” she said, her voice gentle. She then let him go and sat back, if only half a foot away. “Caleb, I love you.” 

“I love you too,” Caleb croaked, and he tried to smile. 

“You need to let people in, you need to accept that you deserve to have people who love you. You have to work on this, alright?” Nott insisted. 

“I’ll try,” Caleb promised, but it felt hollow, because he already knew that he didn’t deserve to have people who loved him. If Nott really knew him, she would know that too. 

That weighed on him as Nott leaned against him to rest like she always did, the fact that he was lying to her. He was lying to everyone, he was somehow convincing them he was weak and broken and deserving of their affection. He really was broken, and he really was weak, but he was capable of things that couldn’t possibly be loved. He couldn’t possibly be loved. And he was too scared to tell them what he’d done because he was too scared to lose them. It was pathetic; he was pathetic. 

His nails were digging into the palms of his hands as he clenched his fists too tight, and the wall across the room moved as his vision swam. He could hear something- it was always the same thing, the insidious crackle and pop of flames, but no, it wasn’t fire. It was a voice, it was Nott’s voice. 

“Caleb? Are you okay?” She was looking up at him, worry all over her face. 

Caleb’s head snapped down and he saw her, and he knew it was her, so he didn’t know why his body was reacting like he was in danger. He felt out of breath, he felt like he needed to run. He hated it. “Nott, I’m sorry. Can you go?”

“What’s happening?” Nott whispered. 

“I can’t- I have to be alone. Now.” He’d told her too much, he hadn’t been smart today. He had to process things, had to plan what he could do next to fix whatever mistake he made today. He knew he made one, he just wasn’t sure what it was yet. 

Nott laid a hand on his shoulder for a second before leaving the living room, and then the apartment, gently closing the front door. 

Caleb buried his face in his hands, astounded at how quickly a good day could turn on him. He had been laughing and smiling an hour ago, and he’d fallen into dysfunction almost immediately after. When he had calmed down enough to move, he got up and went to his bathroom. He stood in front of the mirror hanging above the sink and tried to make himself look in. He caught glimpses of the grey of his shirt, of his neck, but he always looked down. 

He couldn’t force himself to look into his own eyes, no matter how hard he tried. 


	20. 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw; mentions of self harm

“I can’t believe this is happening.” Jester had her forehead pressed against Fjord’s shoulder, and she was clutching her phone to her chest. They were cuddled up on the couch. “I can’t believe this is happening.”

Kiri had been put to bed, and the moment she was Jester had broken down, pacing the apartment until Fjord showed up. It didn’t seem real. The call from the agent and everything she was told just seemed like a bad dream. It was scripted by one of her nightmares. She’d been crying on instinct for almost an hour, and only now, with Fjord’s arm around her, was she trying to apply some critical thought to the situation. 

“They won’t get her back, Jay,” Fjord murmured, eyes fixed on the door to Kiri’s room, as if her birth parents would try to break in and steal her away. 

They were basically going to steal her away, if they won the court case. Because there was a fucking court case now, and she had to go fight for Kiri. She was still going through the motions of crying, but her eyes had mostly dried up. “What if they do?”

“If they can’t come to court sober, they’re not getting her back,” Fjord assured her. 

“But what if they do?” Jester repeated. “What if they get a really good lawyer, and-” She held a hand over her mouth. 

“Nothing’s going to happen.” Fjord rubbed Jester’s shoulder. “Nothing, alright?”

Jester sighed. Even if she won the court case, it wasn’t going to be nothing. It was going to be rough on her, sure, but it would be traumatic for Kiri, which she wouldn’t allow. During dinner, her foster agent had called her and informed her that Kiri’s birth parents wanted custody again, and were willing to take it to court. And it just didn’t seem real. It was so bad that it felt like a sick stress dream. “Nothing,” she echoed. “But-”

“You’re so good with her, they can’t take her away,” Fjord said firmly, and his normally stoic voice almost broke. He bit his lip and shook his head. “They can’t.” 

“If I really have to go to court to testify,” Jester said, her voice raw, “there are so many things they can bring up against me.” 

Worry crossed Fjord’s brow. “Medical records are private, they can’t get those-”

“Unless they detail something that was determined to be a danger to myself or to the people around me,” Jester recited. She sniffed. “Caleb sent me everything he could find about laws and that shit.” 

“But… that’s not fair,” Fjord said quietly. “It isn’t fair, you’re-” He stopped, rubbing his chin. “It’s not fair.”

“You think I don’t know that?” Jester’s throat felt tight with unshed tears, even though she was so dehydrated from crying already. “Even if I was still struggling with that shit I’d never- I’d never hurt myself with Kiri here, I mean- if anything she’s keeping me safer.”

It was true- Jester hadn’t had serious thoughts of self harm since she first met Kiri. The idea, and the need for that kind of relief, had faded as her days were filled with baking for someone else and watching kids TV shows and reading Kiri books. It proved the theory Jester had when she started the group- that caring for someone was its own kind of fix. Being able to love and look after everyone in her group had saved her life, and being with Kiri wasn’t any different, except she was saving Kiri back. 

“They probably won’t even bring it up,” Fjord said, but he sounded less certain than he had minutes ago. “It isn’t relevant, they won’t mention it.” 

Jester couldn’t help but think, yes, they will. They will mention it and Kiri will be gone forever just because of a stupid mistake Jester made years ago when she didn’t understand how to be happy. “Thanks,” she said, because she didn’t want Fjord to worry any more than he already was. “Actually, thanks for everything. Seriously.”

“It’s nothing. It’s, uh-” Fjord shook his head, blush creeping up his neck. “Don’t worry about it.” 

“Why don’t you just let me thank you?” Jester wondered if talking about something other than court would make her feel better. “You’ve been driving me everywhere and getting me everything I need at the drop of a hat, you deserve a thank you.”

“Jester, I’m not doing it for a thank you,” Fjord said softly. 

“Then why are you doing it?” Jester squinted at him. 

“Damn it.” Fjord ran his hands through his hair, fingers momentarily coming to rest on his scar before moving on. “Damn it, can’t I just do it because I care about you and I care about Kiri? I really, really want this to work out for you.” 

Jester was sort of frozen for a moment, then moved her hand to wipe away the tear that was creeping down her cheek. “Fjord, that’s really sweet.”

Fjord nodded, shrugging it off. “And hey, this court thing is going to work out, okay? Will you say it’s going to work out?”

“Fjord…”

“Come on, say it. I was reading this thing and it said that if you say things and think things, they’re more likely to happen, you know?” Fjord was sort of smiling, knowing this would amuse Jester. 

“It’s going to work out,” Jester said, a grin creeping onto her face as she shook her head. 

“Yeah, there we go.” Fjord’s smile was so warm, and the way his scar changed and the little crows’ feet that appeared beside his eyes when he was smiling were the two most beautiful things Jester had ever seen. The blue green of his shirt matched the leather of her couch pretty well, too, adding to his effect. 

After the moment had faded a little, Jester cleared her throat. “It’s pretty late, do you have to work early tomorrow?”

“I work early every day, you know that.” Fjord checked his watch and whistled. “Yeah, I should head out soon.” 

“Alright.” Jester didn’t want to see him go - she never did - and she tried to think of a new topic of conversation to hold him with just for a few more minutes. Before she could, he was already giving his goodbye speech. He tended to do those, just a little list of reminders and affirmations. She thought it was adorable.

“Uh, remember the library tomorrow, because Kiri’s books are due Friday,” he was saying. “And if you don’t have time to do recycling this week give me a call and I’ll pick stuff up for you. This court thing is going to be fine, you have to remember that. It’s going to be fine, and you’re going to be-” He faltered, and for a moment he looked sad, and he muttered a little, “God damn it,” under his breath before taking Jester’s face in his hands and pulling her into a kiss. 

For the second time that night, Jester couldn’t believe something was happening. But this time, it wasn’t nightmare-unbelievable, it was dream-unbelievable. She could feel Fjord’s hands move from her cheeks to her hair, then down to her waist, and it was really happening, and it was really him. She was kissing him back, obviously, maybe even harder than he was kissing her. Her whole body was warm, she was burning up, and it was hard to find time to breathe but at this point she didn’t even care. 

Fjord was being so gentle even though he knew Jester was stronger than him, just because that was who he was. He was a gentle person, and now wasn’t any different. He held Jester close and let her choose when to breathe and when not to. 

Jester buried her hands in his hair and moved from being beside him on the couch to straddling him, sitting comfortably in his lap, her knees pressed into the couch on either side of him. She kissed his jaw, then down his neck. 

He carefully tilted her chin up, breaking contact. 

Jester sat back on his thighs, pushing her hair out of her face. “Is everything okay?”

Fjord cleared his throat, looking down. “It was a little too much a little too fast,” he said quietly, a soft smile on his face. He ran his hands over her shoulders. “Good, but… a lot.” 

“Sorry,” Jester said, wincing. 

“No, no.” Fjord was rubbing the scar on his temple, which he did when he was nervous. “Thank you.” 

“You need to go and get a good night’s sleep,” Jester instructed, once it was obvious he wasn’t comfortable with anything else. 

“You’re right.” Fjord looked up at her with that soft, warm smile, and he gingerly moved her off his lap and back onto the couch before standing up and straightening his hair and shirt. He stood in front of her for a moment before bending down to give her one last kiss, a clean, quick one. “I just- I had to show you that you’ve got someone in your corner, no matter what.” 

“Thanks, Fjord,” Jester whispered, and the warmth in her chest wasn’t just from making out with him, it was because she loved him so, so much it burned her sometimes. 

“Call tomorrow if you need anything,” he said, backing towards the door. He gave her a little nod. 

“I will,” Jester promised. “Goodnight.”

“Goodnight, Jay.” 

Jester heard her door shut gently, and she sunk down into the cushions of her couch. Everything seemed less daunting now. She had to get ready for a court session in the morning, and even that wasn’t as intimidating. She felt like things were manageable, like things would be hard, but she could do it. She would do it. 


	21. 21

Caleb felt like he hadn’t been able to breathe for a week, since he’d broken in front of Nott. He felt so bad for turning her out, and felt even worse for telling her part of what worried him, for making it her problem. He hadn’t talked to her since, either, because he was scared. He didn’t call her back, and ignored her texts. He ignored most everyone’s texts, except Jester’s, who was spending hours a day in court. 

She’d be in court today, and they were having group without her. It would be strange. Group without Jester. 

Caleb walked from his apartment, tucked into his coat against the wind. He’d been dreading seeing Nott all week, because he didn’t know how to apologize to her, or what kind of apology she wanted. He kept playing out conversations in his head, trying to get to an outcome where she wasn’t angry at him. He couldn’t reach one, and in each scenario he daydreamed through, he just dug himself deeper.

He scuffed his boots on the mat by the building entrance until they were dry so he would have wasted time if he didn’t go in. He did that sometimes, tricking himself out of backing out of things he was unsure about doing. When he stepped into the building the relief from the cold was nice, but he couldn’t stop picturing ways for it to go wrong. He made himself go up the stairs, and stopped at the door into the room. 

He stared at the sign, at the faded printer paper covered in highlighter words that had become so familiar. He almost just grabbed the doorknob and opened the door, but he couldn't make his hand move. He wondered if it was too late to just turn around and go back home. He weighed his options, and almost jumped when a hand came down on his shoulder. He turned around, came face to face with Molly. 

“Hey, Caleb.” Molly grinned. “Forget how a door works?”

“Um-” Caleb willed himself not to freeze up, because he was halfway there already and he didn’t want to have to deal with that. He hadn’t gotten ready for a conversation, and it was showing. He tried to smile. “Um, yes. For a minute.” 

“Jeez.” Molly reached around him and opened the door. “Rough week?”

“Ah, you could say, yes.” Caleb wished he’d left before Molly showed up, because now he was stuck at group. 

“Well, here’s to hoping it’ll get better.” Molly took Caleb’s hand and gave it a squeeze, then pulled him into the room. “Yasha! My sun and stars. Come here.” 

Yasha smiled, standing from her usual chair, where she had been a little tangled up with Beau. “Molly,” she said quietly. She kissed his forehead. “Hello, Caleb.” 

“Hi.” Caleb wasn’t sure of what to do, and almost held out his hand as if to shake hers before quickly deciding against it and giving her a little wave instead. 

All three of them moved further into the room, and Yasha returned to her chair with Beau, who exchanged middle fingers with Molly.

“You took my fucking seat,” Molly muttered to Beau, and when she just flipped him off again he went to sit on the couch with Caleb. 

“Caleb, why are you hanging out with him?” Beau asked, laughing, because her and Molly’s favorite thing to do was argue, and she knew this would make him indignant.

“I just met him at the door,” Caleb explained, ready to distract himself from all the bad thoughts in his head with whatever play argument was about to happen. Nott wasn’t here yet, so he shouldn’t have to think about that. 

“Beau, eat my ass,” Molly said sharply. “Caleb likes me better than you anyways.” 

Beau rolled her eyes. “As if. He’s my roommate, I live with him.”

“Not for long,” Yasha said softly.

“What?” Molly’s eyes widened. 

Beau snapped her fingers. “Oh, yeah. Right. Caleb, I’m moving back out in a few weeks. I think I’m all set, but thanks so much for, like… everything.” 

“I’m glad you can be safe in your own home again,” Caleb told her, hoping it didn’t sound like he was happy to get rid of her. 

“Alright, that’s great, but Yasha- what the hell was that smug little- what’s going on?” Molly narrowed his eyes, gaze flicking back and forth between Yasha and Beau. After a moment, he gasped. “You’re moving in together. Holy shit, you’re-”

Beau’s smile wasn’t even smug or sarcastic, she looked so genuinely happy when she said, “Yes! Yeah, oh my god! We’re moving in together.” 

Molly smiled too. “You’ve been dating for a week, I don’t know if this is-” 

“No, we figured out this whole thing,” Beau insisted. “Yasha-”

“Right,” Yasha put in. “We’ll be with each other as- you know, girlfriends, but we’ll live together as friends. Like, we can still go out on dates, but at home we’re just roommates. We decided it would be better that way.”

Molly looked like he was about to say something, but shook his head. “You know what? That’s actually clever. I was going to- but no, no, you’ve got me there. Cheers.” 

Beau’s smile widened. 

Caleb felt eyes on him, so he said, “Congratulations.” He was happy for her, very happy, and he’d be lying if he said he didn’t miss having his apartment to himself. 

There was a few moments of silence, Beau and Yasha leaning closer together in a comfortable almost embrace in the chair, Molly trying to rub out nail polish he’d gotten on his fingers, and Caleb staring at the wall, until the door opened, and Nott came in. 

She walked in a little tentatively, like she had to apologize for being there, but once she reached everyone, she seemed a little less awkward. “It’s chilly out there, huh?” was the first thing she said, followed by, “Hi, Caleb.” 

Caleb didn’t look up at her, because he felt so, so guilty. He wished he hadn’t ignored her during the week, because it was making it worse. “Hi.” 

Nott sat next to him and put a hand gently on his arm. She exchanged greetings and pleasantries with the other three, and waited until they had a conversation of their own going before looking up at Caleb. “Are you okay?”

Caleb pressed his lips together, shaking his head. 

“Caleb, I’ve- I’ve been trying to talk to you, and-” Her voice was quiet, her words were clearly intended for only Caleb to hear. “Did I say something? What did I say? How can I fix it? Please, please tell me, because I’ve spent the last week trying to figure out what I did wrong, and I can’t-”

“No, you didn’t do anything,” Caleb said quickly. “It was me, alright? It’s always me.” 

“Caleb, why the hell would it be you?” Nott sounded sad. “All you did was talk to me-”

“Exactly.” Caleb still couldn’t look at her. “I shouldn’t have made my issues your problem, and I shouldn’t have had trouble talking about something so normal.”

“Everyone has trouble with things, it’s not-” Nott sighed. “You listened to me when I had to talk about doing time. It’s the same thing with you, I want to help you, and I think listening can help.” 

“I should have been able to deal with it on my own, though,” Caleb pressed. “I couldn’t, which is disgusting. That’s the problem, I was so- and then I couldn’t call you because I didn’t want you to be angry with me.” 

“Angry?” Nott whispered. “Caleb, I’ve never been angry with you. I was just worried, because you weren’t getting back to me, and when you made me leave you were in a pretty bad state.”

Caleb finally looked over at her. “How are you not angry?”

“Because I don’t hate you. I’d have to hate you for that to make me angry,” Nott said firmly. “And needing help to get through difficult things isn’t bad, its human.” 

Caleb couldn’t think of a single thing to say to that. It was so, so foreign for him to be able to ask for help that it was hard for him to believe her. Nothing was free, everything came with a price, so what did it cost to confide in her? What would her help run him? If it was really free then how could he keep lying to her about so much?

“Please say something,” urged Nott quietly. 

“What do I owe you?” Caleb whispered. 

“Nothing. Caleb, nothing.” Nott grabbed his hand and held on tight. “Is that okay? Are we okay?”

Caleb’s instinct said that it was a trick, even though his logic was saying no, Nott would never trick him. He ignored all his thoughts, and nodded. “Yes. I missed you.” 

“I missed you too.” She leaned against him. 

He finally felt settled, for the first time all week. Whatever he’d done, it wasn’t bad enough to make her angry, or to make her leave. Which meant he was alright until he messed up again. For awhile, he listened to Molly’s conversation with the girls, warmed by Nott against his side, until that too faded away, and everyone sat in silence. 

Before the conversation could get too left behind, Molly cleared his throat. “Weird without Jester, right? I mean, we have group without Fjord once a month so it’s not- but Jester. It’s strange.” 

“Yeah,” Beau agreed. “Yeah, it’s a whole different thing. Fucking terrible what she has to do.”

“What exactly is she doing?” Yasha asked. “I know it’s in court and I know it’s about Kiri, but…”

“So,” Nott began, “Kiri’s birth parents think the state took her unfairly and want her back, so they’re trying to take her out of the foster system and back home. Jester is there as a witness and to defend the state in taking her. They think- well, she thinks she can win. And so do I, I mean, Kiri’s so much happier now, and… yeah.” 

“Thanks.” Yasha nodded. 

“It’s bad for Kiri, though,” Nott added. “She has to be there, in court, like, every day. That’ll stick with her.” 

“It’s- hm. It’s shocking to me that the judge or whoever can’t just recognize signs of abuse,” Molly muttered. “If that were me, her birth parents would be out of there in a second. In fucking jail.”

“Oh, seconded.” Beau leaned back against Yasha. “It’s a good thing she’s going with Fjord and not me, I’d punch those fuckers out.” 

Everyone agreed on that, and then the conversation lapsed again. 

What mattered was that Caleb had Nott back. He hadn’t lost her. He didn’t need to talk as long as he was sitting next to her, because a silence with her was comfortable. He could stop worrying and go back to watching. He watched Beau and Yasha cuddle up, and he felt happy for them, definitely, but he also felt a kind of longing that wasn’t jealousy, but it was close. That made it impossible to look at Molly, so he looked out the window and watched as it began to rain a sort of sleet that quickly became snow. 

He asked Nott to stay with him when they were getting ready to go, because a week without her was far too long to go spending another minute away from her. 

“I can’t,” she said, looking upset. “I’m going to stay with Jester tonight, she needs… she needs to have someone right now.” 

Caleb nodded. “Alright. That’s good of you. To do that.” 

Nott nodded. Then she pulled Caleb into a tight hug. “You’ll answer my calls, right?”

“Yes,” he promised. “Sorry.”

“Good.” She made him tilt his head down so she could kiss his cheek. “Stay safe, kiddo.”

“You too.” Caleb smiled, and watched her head down the stairs. 

He got his usual punch on the arm from Beau, even though he’d be seeing her at home in a few hours, and he got a pat on the head from Yasha as she left, which was nice. He stood by the door until Molly finally put away his phone and went to leave. 

“Hey, Caleb. Having door problems again?” Molly took it upon himself to adjust Caleb’s scarf and the lapels of his coat, and Caleb felt his heart stop. 

“Um, no, I was-” He shook his head. “I was waiting to say goodbye.”

“Aww.” Molly smiled. “Goodbye, Caleb. Or- wait. May I have the pleasure of walking you home?”

“It’s snowing,” Caleb pointed out.

“I’ve been snowed on before, I don’t mind.” 

“It’s cold out,” Caleb added. He didn’t know why he was trying to make Molly leave without him. He just didn’t want to take Molly’s time. 

“It’s cold in my apartment too, doesn’t make a difference to me,” Molly assured him. “Shall we?”

And Caleb shouldn’t have said yes, but he had been alone all week and it was weighing on him. “Alright.” 

“Alright,” Molly repeated, grin growing wider. He followed Caleb down the stairs and out into the snow. “Isn’t this great? I fucking love snow.”

“You love everything,” Caleb commented. 

“I know!” Molly exclaimed, holding a hand up to feel the flakes melt on it. 

Caleb was in love. He was so, so in love, so in love he couldn’t breath. He watched Molly almost dance a few steps ahead of him, kicking up the snow that had already accumulated on the sidewalk, catching snow on his tongue, dusting it out of his hair. He didn’t know how anyone knew Molly without falling in love. 

They were about halfway to Caleb’s apartment when Molly finally fell back into step with him, shivering. He wasn’t dressed for walking in the snow. “You like the cold?” Molly asked. 

“I’m used to it,” Caleb replied. He pulled off his scarf and passed it to Molly. “Here.”

“Really?” Molly’s eyes lit up, and he put it on. It looked drab on him. “This is a good scarf. This is a really good scarf.”

“It’s not that good, you’re just cold,” Caleb said, and he could try to deny it all he wanted but his clothes on Molly would never not stop his heart. His eyes caught on how Molly’s breath condensed in the frozen air, and how Molly’s hands were red from cold. He sighed, and pulled off his coat. “You’ll give it back, yes?”

Molly’s smile got even wider, and he took the coat, throwing it on. “Oh, no. I’m keeping it forever and ever.” He pulled it tight around himself.

“Sure you are.” Caleb shook his head, and the cold was threatening to get to him. He tucked his hands into his pockets, and he’d be cursing the temperature if the reason he had to feel it wasn’t so Molly didn’t. 

They walked the rest of the way in near silence, sometimes exchanging a few words that quickly faded away into the snow. When Caleb saw his building down the road, he was half happy, because he could dry off and get warm again, and half sad, because his walk with Molly was almost over. They came to a halt outside the door into the building. 

Molly shucked off the coat and handed it back. 

“Would you like to come up for a cup of tea?” Caleb offered, a second before remembering that Molly liked coffee better. 

Molly smiled. “That sounds lovely, darling, but I’ve got to walk back to my car while there’s still light.” 

Caleb couldn’t believe that Molly had walked all the way here and intended to walk all the way back just for a bit of meager conversation when he could have just driven home. “Why did you come if you have to walk back now?”

“Because I couldn’t let you walk home alone,” Molly said. “It’s getting dark.” 

“And I can very much handle myself,” Caleb added, but his chest felt full. “We could have driven.”

“And missed being out in this?” Molly gestured to the borderline blizzard, to the snow falling around them. “Never. Plus, more time with you.” He elbowed Caleb gently. “You’ve got to stop regretting everything. Especially good things.” He started unwinding the scarf.

Caleb put a hand on Molly’s arm, stilling his motions. “Keep the scarf. If you plan to walk back you’re going to need it.”

Molly’s smile softened, and he sighed, tucking the scarf back up around his neck. “Caleb, you’re going to make someone so happy someday.” 

Before Caleb could respond - his first instinct being to say that no, he wouldn’t, he could hardly even make himself happy, his second being to ask why Molly would say something like that, and his third being to think that it was Molly he wanted to make happy, and never say it - Molly had tucked himself up in the scarf, thrown up a peace sign, and started walking back down the sidewalk to where he’d left his car. 

Caleb turned and stepped into his building, making his way up the stairs to his apartment, and for once in his life, he didn’t feel like he’d done something wrong. He’d made amends with Nott, and she’d forgiven him. He’d kept Molly out of the cold, for the most part. People were happy with him, and he felt genuinely, thoroughly happy as well. 


	22. 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw; past suicidal thoughts

Jester herded Kiri from the car after hours in court and then an hour drive, and she felt almost exhausted as Kiri looked. They stumbled around the car and to the driver’s side, waiting for Fjord to get out. When he did, the three of them made their way up to the porch. 

That day before the court session, Jester’s foster agent had told her that they were looking for a permanent home for Kiri as best they could. The idea was if Kiri’s birth parents made a solid case against Jester as a foster parent, it would damage the integrity of the foster system enough that they’d have a chance of getting custody again. But if Kiri had a permanent home lined up, that case would be invalid. It was a backup plan, but a plan nonetheless, and a plan that made Jester feel cold and deeply sad. 

She looked down at Kiri and up at Fjord, both of them illuminated by the weak glow of the porch light. She couldn’t think of anything reassuring or good to say. “Kiri,” she murmured. “Say goodnight to Fjord.”

“Goodnight,” Kiri said, putting her small hand in Fjord’s large one. Her voice was quiet and little and she had just spent the whole day in the same courtroom as her birth parents but she was still talking and she was still okay with contact.

Jester knew that Kiri was braver than she’d ever be. She’d been on the verge of tears all day, stress combined with exhaustion combined with love and the possibility of losing it had been pushing her. 

Fjord knelt down in front of Kiri. “Goodnight, Kiri. You did such a good job today.” He let her pull his hand up to touch her cheek. “You okay?”

Kiri nodded, holding Fjord’s hand against her cheek and leaning into it, closing her eyes. She did this, sometimes, when it was hard for her to find words but she wanted to relay that she cared about someone. 

“Alright.” Fjord waited until she let go of his hand before standing back up. “You sleep well tonight, got it?”

Kiri nodded again. She was wearing the ribbon Jester gave her the first day they met around her wrist, like a little bracelet. 

Fjord kissed Jester’s cheek. “You’ll tell me if you hear anything, right?”

“Yes,” Jester promised. 

“And Jester, don’t stay on your own right now,” Fjord said. “Please.” 

“I’m not, Nott is coming over in a minute,” Jester replied, and she got the feeling that Fjord was trying to look after her just like he looked after Kiri. 

“Good.” Fjord sighed. “It’s going to be-”

“Okay. I know. It’s going to be okay.” Jester leaned up and kissed his cheek. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Fjord nodded, and for a second it looked like he was going to say something, but instead he put a hand briefly on Jester’s shoulder, then on the top of Kiri’s head, then he walked back to his truck. 

Jester brought Kiri inside, and tucked her into bed as soon as possible. They were both wiped out, and Kiri was asleep within minutes of lying down. Then, Jester went out to her kitchen and, without really registering what she was doing, started to bake. 

She always did this, it was her automatic response to stress. She’d started using it as a method to make sure she wouldn’t kill herself, when shit got bad. If she started baking, she couldn’t kill herself, because then her cookies might burn. Because she’d never get to eat them, and that would be a waste. It was stupid, but it had saved her life. Now, she just did it on instinct when she had a lot to think about. 

She was halfway through whisking up her wet ingredients when the doorbell rang. She wiped her hands and went to the door, opening it to find Nott, bundled up in lots of layers. 

“Hi,” Nott said. “I brought whiskey.”

Jester brought Nott back into the kitchen, and sat her on the counter so she could finish her cookies. 

“How was it?” Nott asked quietly, as she poured the whiskey into glasses.

Jester groaned. “Shitty.” She started shaping the dough into balls and throwing them onto a baking tray. “Being there is so bad for Kiri.”

“I wish I knew how to help,” said Nott, sliding a glass across the counter to Jester. “I really do.” 

“Being here helps,” Jester admitted, setting the timer on the oven and sticking the tray inside. “Seriously, just talking helps.” 

“Oh.” Nott smiled. “Well, I can talk lots. But first, I need to ask you how it’s going. What are they asking? What do you think will happen?”

Jester sighed, sitting up on the counter with Nott. She took her glass of whiskey in one hand and held Nott’s hand with the other. “A lot of it goes over my head. I’m trying to research laws and strategies and everything, but by the time I get home from work and court I can’t stay awake long enough to read the articles Caleb sends me. Kiri’s birth parents are trying to convince the judge that the state took Kiri away unfairly, and that they deserve custody again. It’s just not fair, it’s not fair.” A tear slipped down her cheek.

“They’re going to lose,” Nott said. “The state always wins, and you’re with the state.”

“Not always,” Jester countered, putting her glass down to wipe her face. “I’m just scared. Something could go wrong so easily, and- and they make Kiri stand in the same room as them- it’s awful.” 

“It is awful,” Nott agreed. “Oh, I have something for you.” She reached into her sweater pocket and pulled out a ring. “Here.” 

Jester took it, looked at it. It was plain and silver and in that moment, it was the most beautiful thing anyone could give her. She slid it onto her finger, and it fit alright. A little loose, but that wasn’t a big problem. 

“I know you’re- um- you’re going through a lot right now,” Nott tried, unsure. “I’ve been there, I know how- how bad it is. And it’s going to stick with you, that just how these things work. I just want you to- I need you to know you’ve got a friend here, and I’ll try to help however I can.” 

Jester nodded, looking down at the ring. She grabbed Nott and pulled her into an awkward side hug. “I love you,” she said. 

“I love you too,” Nott said, words muffled by Jester’s shoulder. 

They sat, almost uncomfortably tangled up, on the counter for what could have been one minute and could have been fifteen. The timer on the oven went off, and Jester let go so she could pull her cookies out. She moved them onto a plate, which she and Nott brought to the living room. 

They talked about the court case, talked about different strategies to try and different laws to look up. They talked about Fjord, of course. Jester told Nott what happened, and how Fjord hadn’t come into the house since that night. They discussed different reasons for him to act the way he did. It felt a lot like high school to Jester, like talking about boys with a friend in the halls after class. It was a nice respite from the stress of court. 

But something was weighing on Jester, something she hadn’t told anyone, not even Fjord. She finished the cookie she was eating, stared at the carpet for a moment in silence before saying, “I want to keep Kiri.” It sounded so quiet and isolated out loud, even though it had been filling her thoughts for the past week. 

“Isn’t that what this whole thing is about?” Nott replied. 

“No, I want to adopt her.” Another thing she’d never said out loud. “I need to adopt her, before her parents can take her away.” She took a deep breath, felt tears welling in her eyes. “It’ll be so easy for them to prove she shouldn’t have been taken from them if they have a decent lawyer, and if we want to keep Kiri safe from them she needs to be adopted, she needs another real family right now. And-” Her voice traipsed higher, her throat getting tight. “And you know how hard it is for kids her age to get adopted, no one wants a girl who’s not a toddler anymore. And I love her so much and she needs me and I need- I need to adopt her. Now.” 

Nott put an arm around Jester’s shoulders. “Is this a desperation thought? Because you shouldn’t-”

“No,” Jester exclaimed, wiping her cheeks. “Maybe a little, but I’ve thought it through so much, and what choice do I have?”

“Jester,” Nott said, and she sounded like she might be about to reprimand her. 

“What?”

“I can’t think of a single person who’d be better for Kiri.” 

Jester nodded, pretended like the reply didn’t shock her and touch her heart. She leaned her head on Nott’s shoulder and grabbed another cookie. She was already this far into legal shit, she might as well keep going. And if there was one thing she knew, it was that she had to try and protect Kiri as best she could, for as long as possible. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this one was a day late! yesterday was the first day of school and was really busy


	23. 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw; past abuse; past drug abuse

Caleb was on a little bit of a high, and he had been for a few days, because nothing was going wrong. He ignored the pattern that suggested something was sure to go wrong sometime soon, because maybe sometimes patterns could be broken, and Nott loved him and Molly took his scarf and things were finally good. 

He did his best to keep sending Jester whatever information he thought might help. He moved Beau’s things with Yasha and helped her settle in there. He stayed up late to entertain Molly’s midnight phone call whimsies. And one night, he realized that he’d gone to bed without wishing even once that he’d wake up fifteen years ago. It was a shock, and for a minute he didn’t know what to think, or do, and after a while he came to the impossible conclusion that he was letting go. That he was getting better. That he had enough in the present to stop wishing he could go back. 

He went to bed that night feeling happy, and he didn’t have a nightmare, and that morning he felt like going out and being the best and kindest person he could be. He made sure to send Nott a good morning text with her favorite emoji, the little explosion. He actually made himself breakfast, which was new. He let himself appreciate the sunrise, he let himself enjoy a cup of tea. Sunday morning. There were so many things he could do.

He ended up playing with Frumpkin for a while, as light crept through his windows and fell across his floor. Then he decided he should go downtown and see if any books suited his fancy, because he had a bit of money left over from paying bills this month. 

The air was cold and there was snow on the ground and Caleb was fine with that. Snow reminded him of Molly. He made his way downtown, peering through shop windows. He considered calling Nott, because he knew she liked to shop with him, but she hadn’t texted him back yet, so she was probably asleep. 

It was only nine thirty, so a few shops weren’t open yet, but he was fine with waiting. He strolled down streets comfortably, planning out his day. He’d probably check in with Fjord, because he wanted to know how Jester was doing but found Fjord easier to talk to. He’d have to call Molly, of course. 

His thoughts stopped in their tracks as he caught sight of someone on the other side of the road, half tucked against the corner of a building. Suddenly, he couldn’t breathe. He knew he had to run, but he couldn’t move, and if he kept staring he knew he was going to be seen, but he was frozen. 

The man was leaning against the building carelessly, a thick, well fitted coat keeping him warm. He looked tired. Older. And there was something familiar in the way his eyes weren’t focused on anything, like he was high on the same shit he used to give them. He looked nonchalant, like the prison time hadn’t made a mark. Maybe it hadn’t. Maybe it wasn’t a very long time. Someone who had done what he had done didn’t deserve the right to stand there casually, like he was innocent.

But maybe he was. After all, Caleb had set the fire, Trent had just been waiting outside. Trent had just told Caleb why he had to do it. 

Caleb finally forced himself to snap out of it, made himself take one step, then another. The world was spinning around him, and he focused his eyes on the ground, only wanting to get away. He walked down street after street, knowing in the back of his mind that he was going to Nott’s, but it could have been anywhere. He held himself back from running, even though that was what his instincts were to do, because running would stand out. 

He didn’t think Trent had seen him. He had to hope that Trent hadn’t seen him.

When he got to Nott’s apartment he was shivering and out of breath and so dizzy he could barely stand. He knew that it hadn’t fully hit him yet, and when it did, he might want to be alone, but now all he could think of was to be with Nott. 

“Hey, Caleb.” Nott answered the door with a smile that quickly dropped. “Are you okay, kiddo?”

Caleb shook his head, and let Nott pull him inside. “I saw him,” he whispered, half hoping Nott couldn’t hear him. 

“Who?” Nott sat Caleb down at her table and settled herself across from him, not letting go of his hand. 

Caleb looked up at her. He knew he would have to tell her everything, and she deserved to know, and he’d deserve it when she’d stop loving him. He hadn’t told anyone, ever, what he’d done. Not the full story. The lawyers and judge had already known. The people at the center had already known. And no one else knew. Well, three people knew. One of which had been leaning against that building today, and the other two of which were god knows where.

“Caleb, you know you can talk to me,” Nott said. “I want to help.”

Caleb knew he was holding onto her hand too tight, and he knew that if he told her, she’d be gone so fast. He also knew that he hadn’t told anyone, ever, and that a part of him really, really had to. He couldn’t breathe, though, and the prospect of saying it out loud was so daunting. “Nott, can I tell you a story?”

Nott almost winced. “Sure, anything.” 

“Ah- this was- it was a while ago, and I’ve tried to forget a lot of it,” Caleb began, ignoring that his throat was closing up. “This may not be very linear, or- coherent, but here it is. When I was younger, I- I was the pride and joy of my little town. I was so smart, I was so- I was very bright. Everyone was, ‘oh, Caleb is going places. Everything is coming up roses for Caleb.’” He took a deep breath, rubbing his free hand on his knee. “I was happy, people were proud of me, my-” His voice broke. “My parents were so proud.”

Nott watched with rapt attention, her expression betraying her anxiety, her worry. 

“I was the top of my class, and my- my best friends, my- close friends were right there with me.” Caleb could picture them, it was so easy. “I was in the library - it was almost summer, it was dark out - when my- Astrid, one of my friends, she-” Caleb stopped, rubbing his eyes. He wasn’t sure if he could do this, and saying it was so hard even though it felt so good. “She brought me home, sometimes, so I thought she was- but she brought me to meet someone. His name was Trent Ikithon.” 

Caleb could feel the edges of his vision going, and he wasn’t present enough in his own body to tell if he was going to pass out or if he was just crying. “He promised me great, great things. I couldn’t afford- it was a lot. Understand? It was a lot. And I didn’t want to listen, because it was strange, and I wanted to go home, but my friends were there. My- I loved them, and I trusted them, so I trusted him. So, first it was a tiny bit of- a bit of ketamine.”

“Caleb,” Nott whispered. 

“Just a tiny bit,” he said, like he had to defend himself to her. “And it was with Astrid and Eodwulf, they were- it was- it was okay. And Ikithon asked us to do something, because- because he would never make us pay him with money, but everything comes with a price.” Caleb felt like he was outside his own body, but felt the bile rising in his throat at the same time. “So it was these little tasks, yes? Just- little things to accomplish. It was so easy.” 

Nott shook her head, but she wasn’t saying anything. 

“And then the favors got- uh, they got bigger,” Caleb continued. “And they weren’t good or legal but I had to keep getting high, so- I had to do it. And my parents- my grades- people were seeing it on me.” It was hard for him to swallow, almost as hard as it was to breathe. “They worried, they- and all of a sudden people were disappointed in me. I had never- that had never happened before. I hated it but I was too- I was too fucked to do anything about it. And so I stopped listening to my teachers and my parents and I started… listening to Trent instead.”

Caleb’s hands were shaking violently, and Nott’s grip on one of them only helped a little. “It was easier, and there, I was- I was getting the praise that I used to get again. Trent would tell me I had promise, my- Astrid would tell me I was brilliant, Wulf would tell me how blue my eyes were.” His voice cracked. “It was better with them. I believed- god- I believed everything Trent told me. He talked to me when I was too high to know any better. He told me my-” Caleb had to stop, and he took his hand from Nott’s to briefly cover his eyes. “He said my parents were going to send me away. To a place without him and without my friends - my lovers - and without any drugs, a place- for rehabilitation.”

Nott reached out for Caleb’s hand again, and he didn’t give it to her. 

“I was so scared.” Caleb tried to laugh, eyes going up to the ceiling. “I was so scared that I would lose everything, I believed him so thoroughly. He gave me more ketamine, and I did what he said. Which was-” He couldn’t tell her. He couldn’t tell her, or she’d never stay with him. She’d leave. He couldn’t let her leave. But he couldn’t stop the words from leaving his lips. “To burn the house down. With my parents in it.”

Nott’s eyes went wide. “You- what?”

“I murdered my parents,” Caleb said, for the first time. He’d thought it over and over and over for years, and now he’d said it. “The firemen and the police got there, but it was too late. They found me- they found me outside the house, and brought me back to the station. There was a court case that lasted weeks. I can’t remember any of it because I was going through withdrawal during it. They- they said I wasn’t guilty.”

“Caleb-”

“I broke, that day. When I lit the fire.” Caleb looked at her. He could finally look at her again. “I was- my mind- I broke. I was so young. They brought me to a center. It was to help with my- my psychosis. And to help me come off the drugs. I was there for years. I got a lot of diagnoses and- a lot of people tried to talk to me. Eventually, I realized that Trent-” Caleb blew out a breath, closing his eyes. “Trent lied to me. About- my parents. They were never going to send me away.” He let his head fall into his hands. “They let me go when they thought I was functional and clean, and I’ve been trying- I have been trying to forget what I did. And wishing I could go back. Trying to find me, but it is so hard when I can’t remember who I am.”

Nott went around the table to him, and wrapped her arms around him. “Caleb…”

“I’m disgusting,” Caleb said. “I’m-” 

“You were used,” Nott corrected him, stroking his hair with a hand. “You were lied to and he tricked you into doing something that was- horrible, yes, but it’s not your fault.” 

Caleb couldn’t believe her. “But-”

“Caleb. Look at me.” 

He did, and a tear jumped down his cheek. 

“You can’t blame yourself for something you were manipulated into doing, and that you did while you were high on something that completely changes your grip on reality. It was a terrible, terrible thing that shouldn’t have happened, but it is not your fault. It’s not on you.” Nott kissed his forehead. “It’s not your fault, okay?”

Caleb tried to say something, he wasn’t even sure what- maybe that it was too his fault, maybe that she shouldn’t stay with him, but his voice caught in his throat, turning into a sob. He leaned into her, hid his face on her shoulder, and let himself cry. He held onto her as tight as he could, hands caught up in her sweatshirt. He cried until he couldn’t anymore, until he’d run out of tears. 

He tried to sit back, and for a moment he couldn’t because Nott wouldn’t let go. When she did, he leaned back into his chair and rubbed his eyes, trying to clear his mind. “Should I go?” he asked, voice raw and quiet. 

Nott shook her head. “Not unless you want to.” 

“How do you still want me?” Caleb whispered. He couldn’t look her in the eyes.

“Because I love you.” Nott smiled a weak smile. “I think I always will. Something some old fucker made you do years and years ago isn’t going to make a difference. It’s a shitty, awful thing that shouldn’t have happened to anyone, let alone to you, but you’re not any different than you were yesterday just because you told me. I still love you just as much. You’re still my Caleb. Nothing’s going to change that.”

Caleb’s heart hurt. He nodded. “Thank you for listening,” he managed. “Please don’t tell anyone.”

“I won’t,” Nott promised, brushing Caleb’s hair out of his face. “But maybe you should think about telling them.” 

Maybe he should. But not all of them were as forgiving as Nott, and he couldn’t afford to lose any of them. “I might.” 

“Caleb, do you want to stay here for a while?” Nott hadn’t taken her hand from his hair. 

“How long?”

“As long as you need.”

Caleb still didn’t know how long that was, and usually, he would have asked for specifics, because he was shit at assumptions and needed things to be clarified most of the times, but he got the sense that Nott didn’t care at all if he stayed an hour or a month, and he loved her so much. “Can I get my cat?” he asked, voice still broken from crying, from having to say what he’d said.

A smile touched Nott’s face. She kissed Caleb’s forehead one more time. “Of course.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> listen.. im So Sad


	24. 24

“So, I made a plea to the judge to change the case when I filed for adoption,” Jester said. Kiri was leaning against her, and everyone was gathered in a circle on the floor. She’d decided she had to finally explain to everyone - not just to Fjord and Nott - what she was getting into, and what she was hoping to achieve as a result of her final court session tomorrow. “We’re going to see if I’m- if they think I can take care of her for good. If I can, that’s that. If I can’t, my agent found a family that will take her so her birth parents can’t.”

“You can,” Kiri said quietly. It was far past her bedtime, but Jester was letting her stay up, just because this was the last night before the court session that decided their future together.

“Sweetie!” Jester gasped, kissing the top of Kiri’s head. “Thank you.” 

“Is it, like, actually legal to just give her back if they think you’re not good enough?” Beau asked from her spot half in Yasha’s lap. 

“I don’t know the specifics,” Jester admitted. “I just know what my agent has explained to me. Caleb might know.” 

“Where is Caleb, actually?” Fjord asked. The absence of both Caleb and Nott from what was supposed to be a night with everyone was very obvious.

Molly, on Yasha’s other side, held up his phone. “He hasn’t answered a call in a while. Nott sent me a text, though, she says they’re together and he’s going through some shit. Didn’t say what, but she’s worried about him.”

“Why didn’t you tell us, I don’t know, when she told you?” Beau glared at Molly. She looked concerned. 

“I had to read it first,” Molly shot back. 

Beau threw up her hands. “For fifteen minutes?” 

“Oh, fuck off.” Molly flipped her off around Yasha. “If he’s with Nott, he’s going to be fine.” Molly only got dismissive when he was worried, though. 

“Beau, don’t yell,” Jester broke in. “Molly, no swearing in front of Kiri. She picks things up fast. Caleb will show up when he feels like he can, and we shouldn’t worry when we have no reason to.”

“Hey,” Yasha said. “You sound like a mom.”

Jester looked over at her with a sort of proud exasperation. “Thanks. I think.”

There was a bit of tense silence, in which Beau leaned defiantly against one of Yasha’s shoulders and Molly leaned equally defiantly against the other, and Yasha herself exchanged glances with Fjord and Jester. 

Kiri tugged Jester’s sleeve eventually, after a nervous look around the room. “Can we read?” she whispered. 

“Oh, of course.” Jester nodded, smiling. “I forgot. Go get your book, alright?” She watched a grin appear on Kiri’s face, and the kid ran to her room. “Sorry, I said I would read to her. Do you guys want to do voices? We could read it like a script.” She hoped that would resolve some of the tension in the room. 

“Can I read the villain? Please?” Fjord asked, and just like that, the level of discomfort had dropped below the ground, and he’d successfully broken whatever tension was left. 

“Wait, can I be the hero?” Beau immediately added. 

By the time Kiri returned with her book, the one about the talking animals, everyone but Molly had a role. They crowded around Jester, the narrator, to read their lines. Kiri sat in Jester’s lap, every few pages repeating a line quietly, or explaining a bit of information brought up in the book. 

At first, Beau read in sort of a deadpan, but as the scenes in the book got more intense, she went for it playing the hero, reading all of her lines as dramatically as she could. Yasha played her sidekick, and she did it in the most involved way she could, at times getting up and pulling Beau up as well so she could really act. Fjord did the voice for the villain that he knew Kiri loved, because he’d read this book to her before, and when he didn’t do the voice, she begged him to. Jester played everyone else, and tried her best to keep up. Molly refused to read any part, even though everyone urged him to because he so loved acting.

Jester kept periodically asking if Kiri was tired, if Kiri wanted to go to bed, and each time she was met with a shake of the head and wide puppy dog eyes. Which, of course, resulted in reading the entire book. Yasha and Fjord had each had their death scene, and Jester had more than one. When Jester finally read the epilogue, everyone piled on the floor around her, even she was starting to get tired. She closed the book, set it down in Kiri’s lap. 

“That was the best,” Kiri said quietly. “Thanks.”

“No problem.” Beau gave Kiri a thumbs up. 

“Yeah, it was our pleasure.” Molly grinned, patting Kiri’s shoulder. 

“Alright.” Jester kissed the top of Kiri’s head. “Bedtime. I love you. I’ll see you in the morning, okay?”

“Okay,” Kiri echoed. 

“I’ll take her to bed,” Fjord said, letting Kiri grab his hand, letting her lead him to her bedroom. 

Jester sighed, leaning back against Molly. She didn’t have to say it, everyone knew she was worried about tomorrow. Everyone was worried about tomorrow. She was caught up in thoughts of how it could go wrong, so caught up that the moment Kiri was out of the room, the peaceful feeling from reading was gone. “Isn’t she perfect?” she said, because Kiri was, and she couldn’t think of anything else to mention.

“Yes.” Yasha was the one to speak up. “Jester, I have this for you.” She pulled a glasses case out of her pocket and passed it over. 

Jester opened it, saw the bunch of violets laid inside. They were a little wilted, but beautiful. “Thank you, Yasha. They’re so pretty.” She tried not to cry as she got up and filled a glass with water to set them in.

Molly followed her to the kitchen, watching her almost nervously.

“Can I have a minute?” Jester asked, setting the glass full of violets on the kitchen table.

“Do you want a minute?” Molly returned, adjusting the placement of a few of the flowers. 

Jester considered, and while initially the thought of having a moment alone in the kitchen had been nice, she wasn’t so sure. She sort of never wanted to be alone again, and if there was anyone she could cry in front of, it was Molly. “No,” she said quietly. 

“Yeah, I didn’t think so.” Molly put a hand on her shoulder. “Look, whatever happens tomorrow-”

“I don’t want to think about ‘whatever happens’s, okay?” Jester wished she was formidable, and brave, and that she loved herself all the time and that she’d never made any stupid mistakes. She hid her face in her hands. 

“Jester, you are so brave.” Molly hugged her from behind, resting his chin on her shoulder. He’d always been good at reading her, and now wasn’t an exception.

“No, I’m not,” Jester said, and tears slid down her cheeks. “I’m just nice.”

“Being nice is the bravest thing you can do,” Molly murmured into her hair. “I just need you to know that whatever happens tomorrow, you’ve changed Kiri’s life for the better. And hopefully you’re going to take her home and watch her grow up and everything will be okay. But if that doesn’t happen, you need to know that you made an impact on that kid. That if you have to leave, you’re going to leave her better than you found her. Hold onto that, okay?”

Jester leaned back against him and cried. “I don’t want to have to say goodbye to her.” 

“And you probably won’t,” Molly assured. He turned her around to face him. “But you’ve got to remember that even if you just had a little bit of time with her, you made it count for something. I’m not trying to curse it or anything, I just think this might help.”

Jester nodded, let Molly wipe her face. “You know that you always know what to say?” She sniffed. 

“I try.” Molly smiled gently. He pressed a kiss to Jester’s forehead. 

“You’re worried about Caleb,” Jester said quietly. 

“I’ll just feel a little better when I know what’s going on, that’s all,” Molly replied. “But yes, darling, I’m worried. There’s an awful lot to be worried about now.” 

Jester nodded. She reached out and touched Molly’s hair, tucked a strand of it behind his ear, just to touch him, to have something to do. “You’re such a good guy,” she said. “And you’re so pretty.” Every single bit of him was pretty, but she really meant his words, and the way he could make her feel better. How much he cared was beautiful.

“Not as pretty as you,” Molly assured her with a smile. He tipped his head towards the living room. “Shall we?”

“Yeah.” Jester took the hand he held out to her, and walked with him back to the living room. 

Yasha stood when they got back. “Do you like the flowers?”

“Of course.” Jester smiled. “They’re beautiful.”

“Good.” Yasha pulled Beau to her feet. 

“We’re probably going to head out,” Beau said, stretching. “Good luck tomorrow, Jester.” 

“Thanks.” Jester nodded, and readied herself for Beau’s trademark goodbye punch. She was surprised when Beau pulled her into a tight hug. 

Beau stepped back, grabbed Yasha’s hand. “Kick ass in court.” 

“I will,” Jester promised, not knowing if Beau knew that she just sat there silently for most of it. 

“Goodnight,” Yasha said, laying a hand briefly on Jester’s shoulder, then on Molly’s. With that, she and Beau left the house, heading towards Yasha’s car in the driveway. 

Molly gazed fondly after them for a few moments before turning to Jester. “I should be heading out soon as well, darling. I need to make a few calls, I need to get a little high, and I need to be up early tomorrow. You know.”

“I know.” Jester sighed. “Drive safe, okay?”

“I always do.” Molly lifted her hand to his lips and kissed it. “Give Fjord a kiss from me, yes?”

Jester nodded. “Will do.” 

“And no matter what happens-”

“I know.” Jester gave him a hug, and watched him stroll out the door. After standing for a minute or so alone in the hall, she went quietly and carefully into Kiri’s bedroom. 

Fjord was leaning against the wall next to Kiri’s bed, eyes on Kiri, tucked up and asleep in her blankets. 

Jester closed the door behind her as silently as she could. “Everyone left,” she whispered. 

Fjord looked up, and he wiped at his eyes quickly. He nodded. “It’s late. They should be getting on home.” After a few moments of silence, he added, “I don’t want anything to change.” 

Jester went over to lean against the wall next to him. “I know.” 

“Jester, I-” Fjord shook his head. “You just need to know, before anything else happens. I love you. Alright? And whatever happens tomorrow in court and whatever happens any time after that, I’m still going to love you.” He sighed. “I just had to get it off my chest.” 

“I know,” Jester said again, and no matter how thoroughly she thought she’d known it, it was nothing like hearing it out loud. 

“Of course you do,” Fjord said, almost to himself. “And I know you-”

“I love you back, yeah,” Jester finished. 

Fjord nodded. “Yeah.” He was quiet for a while, looking back to Kiri, and then to the floor, which was strewn with all the toys and books Jester got for her. “I know I already kissed you, but we never really- you know, we could do dates if you wanted. Like dinner or a museum or- or we could just skip to the part where we’re together, okay? Whatever you want.” 

“I want both. I want to be with you right now and I want you to take me out on dates,” Jester said, struggling to keep her voice down, because Kiri was sleeping but she’d been waiting for this for so long. And it was so matter-of-fact. The way they were discussing it, it could be anything. Because it really was just a fact to both of them at this point, that they were in love, and they were just waiting for the right time to talk about it.

“I can do that,” Fjord replied. “I can definitely do that.” 

Jester bit her lip to keep her smile under control. “Why now?” she asked. 

“Because we both need a good thing right about now?” Fjord offered. “Because I have to be there for you, especially now, and because if this works with Kiri then I thought- I don’t know- that she could use…” 

Jester nodded. He didn’t have to say it, and he probably couldn’t even if he tried, because he already sounded choked up. She knew what he meant. That Kiri could use a dad. She held a hand over her mouth.

“And honestly, Jay, I couldn’t go another minute without being your man.” He looked down, trying to hide his smile. 

Jester threw her arms around him, leaning her head against his chest. “Fjord?”

“Yes?” He was rubbing little circles into her back. 

“I love you.” Jester almost couldn’t talk because of how much she was smiling. He was right- she really had needed something good.

“I love you,” Fjord replied. 

Jester stepped a little bit back so she could lean up and kiss him. A gentle, simple kiss. “That was from Molly,” she murmured. 

“Oh,” Fjord said, chuckling softly. He ran his thumb over her cheek. 

Jester kissed him again. Still gentle, still simple. “That was from me.” 

“Jay, I’m going to be honest with you,” Fjord said quietly. “We’re going to have to take it slow with… that stuff, okay? I’m not- I haven’t-” He shrugged, shaking his head. “There was a guy when I was with the Navy, but that was it. Is that okay?”

“Of course it’s okay,” Jester assured, putting a hand to his cheek. 

Fjord gave her another kiss. “Okay. You should get to bed now, so you feel your best for tomorrow.” 

“Will you stay the night?” Jester asked, still holding onto him. “Not to do anything, just to sleep.” 

Fjord nodded. “Yeah, for sure. To bed?”

“To bed.” Jester took his hand, and they walked together out of Kiri’s room and into hers. 


	25. 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw; past suicide attempt

Jester sat in her assigned box, Kiri on the bench next to her. It was stiff, and awkward, and the air in the courtroom was thick with tension, everybody present knowing clearly that this was the last day of the case. That this day would determine the outcome of Kiri’s life. Jester held Kiri’s hand, hoping she was enough to block Kiri’s birth parents from view. 

They sat in the other box at the opposite side of the room with their lawyer. The man’s skin was sallow, and pulled tight over his bones. The woman looked more than just tired tired, she looked drugs tired. Their lawyer was in a grey suit and had with him lots of papers stuffed into various manilla folders which were spread over the little desk he was given in the box. He stood, and took the courtroom floor. 

His words blurred together, nerves and worry taking Jester’s mind over. Or, at least, for a while they did. Then, when he started tearing into her, she heard him loud and clear. 

The lawyer hit every point Jester was scared he would- she’d known what was going to happen when they stepped into the building that morning, it was just a matter of time before it did. She sat there, looking down, and listened to a man she’d never met prove that she wasn’t a fit foster mother for Kiri because she’d tried to kill herself three years ago, and what if she did it again. 

How unsafe it was for a child to be in that kind of environment, the man had said, how volatile a caretaker. 

So, the judge had given out her medical records. She’d seen that coming. She could have said a million things to counter it- that was three years ago and things were different now being the first and foremost. But she didn’t have the right of way to argue, let alone to speak. She sat in silence and she listened. 

She knew she’d lost, but the judge was waiting to release the verdict, so after the lawyer concluded his argument, she took Kiri out into the hall. She didn’t know what to say. 

After a few minutes of silence, Kiri took Jester’s hand. “I can stay, can’t I?” she asked, her voice tiny in the big marble courthouse. 

“I don’t know,” Jester managed, because she couldn’t force herself to say no even though she knew that was the truth. “Even if you can’t, you’ll remember me, right?”

Kiri nodded. “Right.” She gave a little sigh, and a tear slipped down her cheek. She brushed it away quickly, and then her little hands tightened into fists in her lap. 

“Kiri, it’s going to be okay,” Jester promised. “You’re not going back to your parents, you’re going to be safe. It’s going to be fine. Things can still be fine even if I’m not there, got it?”

Kiri shook her head. It was such a small movement that if Jester wasn’t watching she might have missed it. 

“We should go back in, they’re starting the session again,” Jester said, because she couldn’t make herself acknowledge that any of this was happening. She pulled Kiri into a quick hug before standing up and taking her hand. They went back to their box together. 

It was torture to sit there and listen to the verdict. Which was, of course, that Jester wasn’t fit to take care of Kiri, and that she would be placed not in the care of her birth parents, but in that of a family who was interested in adopting her. The Shusters. Jester had never met them, but her agent had mentioned them before the session. 

It didn’t feel real. It played out exactly like one of Jester’s nightmares. Everything was moving so fast around them, people leaving the room after the verdict had been given. She tried to focus on her own hands, on the patterns on her dress. She really, really hoped that Kiri wasn’t old enough to understand the legal jargon of the verdict, because she wanted to give the news to her in a better way, later. But Kiri was smart, and Jester knew it. 

She herded Kiri out of the courtroom and into the parking lot, biting the inside of her cheek like it would stop the tears that gathered in her eyes from falling. She hoped Fjord was already there. He said he’d pick them up, and she could really use him now. She felt Kiri’s grip on her hand tighten, and she scanned the parking lot, eyes settling on Fjord’s truck. She pulled Kiri over, and Fjord got out to meet them. 

Jester almost ran the last length over to him, and when she reached him she leaned her face into his chest, holding onto him with her free arm. 

Fjord kissed her forehead, letting her go for just a second so he could pick Kiri up, then putting his free arm back around Jester’s shoulders.

Jester had hoped being with him would make things a little better, but it wasn’t doing much. It felt nice to be held - it always did - and it was comforting to have Fjord with her, but the gravity of the situation, the fact that they’d have to let Kiri go, was still sitting on her chest, so heavy she couldn’t breathe. 

Kiri was crying, maybe just because of the stress of the courtroom and how tired she was, because she couldn’t have fully processed what the verdict meant yet. But from the way she was clinging to Fjord, it was clear she had a good idea of what the judge had said. 

Fjord didn’t have to ask what had happened, the question was there in the way he looked out over Jester’s head at the building.

Although Jester could guess that he sort of knew what the verdict was, she had to say it, just so she could hear it, maybe, and she closed a fist in the fabric of Fjord’s shirt and she squeezed her eyes shut and whispered, “We lost her.” 

Fjord nodded, and his grip on both of them tightened. 

Eventually, he started saying that it was okay, even though it wasn’t, and hearing the words made Jester feel better on a surface level, but go any deeper and they seemed empty, and even mocking, because it so obviously wasn’t okay. Maybe he intended it for Kiri, not for her. That would make sense. He had to know she knew it wasn’t okay. 

After a while, Jester brought Kiri back to her car and they followed Fjord out of the parking lot, starting the hour trip back home. As she drove, she watched Kiri in the rearview mirror, wishing she could sit back with her and hold her. She ran herself through all the different steps to all the different ways her therapist taught her not to cry, because she had to be strong for Kiri. She had to be. And she heard Fjord's words - that it was okay, it’s okay, it’s okay - over and over in her mind, telling her that it was utterly, completely not okay. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im sorry fellas... some things r just canon adjacent....


	26. 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter isn't as heavily edited as the others have been But i'm really just slamming 'people loving and respecting caleb' juice

“Caleb, I don’t know what you want me to do here,” Nott said to him their third night together. “People are calling me and asking me questions and I don’t know how you want me to answer.”

“Who?” Caleb asked, not looking at her. They were tangled up in her bed, watching Finding Nemo on her shitty old laptop, and it was easier to look at the computer than at someone who had expectations for him. 

“Mostly Molly,” Nott answered. “Beau too.”

“Why?”

“Because.” When that didn’t get him to look at her, she sighed. “Because they’re worried about you and you won’t call them back.”

“I left my phone at my apartment,” Caleb said in explanation, as if that was an excuse for dropping off the face of the earth especially when people were trying to contact him. 

“You should go get it.”

“I can’t,” Caleb said quietly. “Will you call Molly?”

“Sure.” Nott tapped a key on her laptop, pausing the movie, and then held her phone to her ear. “Do you want to talk to him?” she mouthed to Caleb. 

Caleb didn’t know. He’d want to talk to Molly if everything was normal, but everything wasn’t normal, and he’d ignored Molly for three days straight. He didn’t want to have to explain anything, or answer any questions, especially over the phone. He shook his head. 

“Caleb,” she whispered, her tone almost scolding, and she handed him the phone. 

Caleb shook his head again, and he held it like it might hurt him. 

“Hello?” Molly’s voice came through the phone, distorted by the connection. “Nott? Hello?”

Realizing Caleb wouldn’t answer, Nott sighed, taking the phone back. “Hi, Molly.” She held up a finger to Caleb, telling him she’d be back in a minute, and slid off the bed and left the room. 

Caleb sat, looking at the door as it closed behind her, and felt pathetic. He stared down at the screen, but the film was paused. He missed Molly. He missed Molly a lot. If he could just skip the questions and whatever blame Molly would lay on him, there wouldn’t be a problem. He always did this, though. He always made some mistake and then got too scared to address it and ended up doing nothing, which made the situation worse, until he reached a point where he felt like he literally couldn’t talk with whoever it was anymore. 

He waited, and sometimes he could catch a strain of Nott’s voice through the door, but not the words, just a little bit of sound when she spoke more shrill than usually. They were talking about him, he knew that. Probably about how disappointed they were in him. He couldn’t handle disappointment, he’d never been able to, and at the risk of interrupting their conversation he called, “Nott, I’m fine. Tell him I’m fine,” futilely at the closed door. 

After a moment, Nott called back, “Then come out and talk to him!” 

Caleb tried to think his way through the dilemma that posed. If he went and talked, he’d have to explain things to Molly, he’d have to own up to causing Molly worry, and that would be so hard. If he refused, he’d be proving Nott right, and she’d tell Molly how weak he was. He forsook deciding what to do based on those facts, because that would be impossible, and let his deep desire to have some form of contact with Molly again decide for him. 

He made himself get out of bed, made himself open the door. 

Nott looked genuinely surprised, but a little smile touched her face, and she held out the phone. 

Caleb took it, nerves holding his chest tight. He took the phone and cleared his throat. “Uh, hello, Mollymauk? It’s me, Caleb.”

“No shit,” Molly said, and then, “What happened?”

Caleb felt Nott’s eyes on him, and he tried to think of a good way to explain. “I needed a bit of time,” he said finally, gingerly, “to get better.” 

“To get better?” Molly repeated, sounding confused.

“I got bad.” Caleb’s fingers were drumming a nervous pattern on the wall behind him. “I can’t tell you now, but something happened, and I-”

“What happened? Are you okay?”

Caleb sighed. He wasn’t okay. “I’m okay now.” 

“Bullshit.” Molly sounded blunt, which may have been enhanced by the shitty connection. “Darling, you’re not helping yourself by pretending, alright?”

Caleb knew Molly was right. He also knew that he’d been relying on pretending for so long he couldn’t stop. “I’m sorry,” he tried. 

“Caleb, no, please don’t- don’t do that. I didn’t mean it like that.” 

“Molly, I want to tell you,” Caleb said after a moment of silence, because he did, and he ignored Nott’s eyes going wide. “I want to tell you everything and I have for a while but it wasn’t the right time. And now it is, because something happened, and I can’t do anything until I tell you, I think.”

There was a pause, and then Molly said tentatively, “Tell me what?”

“Do you ever need to do a certain thing before you can do anything else?”

“Caleb, tell me what?”

Caleb closed his eyes. “Something I did.” 

“Okay?”

“I’m at Nott’s, just come when…” Caleb realized that he was going to have to tell Molly everything, and probably soon, and he felt his heart stop. “I’ll give you back to Nott, she can tell you when it’s okay to be here.” He passed the phone back to Nott, ignoring Molly’s clipped, nervous, “Caleb-!”

Nott took it. “Hey, Molly. Yeah, if you want to come over, any time tonight would be fine. Just tell me when you’re here so I know it’s you at the door, alright?”

Caleb wandered back into the bedroom, the conversation fading as he left. He wasn’t sure if he should feel bad. Molly didn’t try to make him. He still felt unsettled, as he had since he saw Trent on the street three days ago. It was easier, now, for his thoughts to get away from him. Easier for his hands to shake. Nott and Molly were the two most important people in his life, and while the truth hadn’t phased Nott, he had no idea how Molly might react. 

He climbed back into the bed, pulling the blankets up over him. He was sweating, he felt sick, and he pressed his face into one of Nott’s pillows. He wondered if he could get away and leave the house before Molly arrived. Probably not. Definitely not. Not only did Nott’s door have about seven locks that he’d have to open quietly, but without a real kick of adrenaline he didn’t think he could make it home. Then again, he wouldn’t have to get home. Just away. 

He heard the door open, and he pulled the blankets up tighter around him. 

“He’ll be here at seven.” Nott sat on the foot of the bed. “Caleb?”

Caleb didn’t want to move. He couldn’t move. He mumbled, “Nott,” back, into the pillow.

Nott was still for a minute, and then she got under the blanket and cozied up to Caleb, wrapping an arm around him. “You’re brave,” she whispered. 

It probably wasn’t possible for Caleb to physically be any closer to her, but he tried, leaning against her. He looked over at her, inches away. “No I’m not. I just have you.” 

Nott smiled, and she kissed his forehead. 

“You’re brave,” he told her. And just like that, like breathing out, things were alright again, if only for a little while. The tension in his body lessened, and he relaxed a little bit, because that was just something being with Nott let him do. 

They laid there for what could have been half an hour and could have been three. Eventually, Nott got up and out of bed, laying a hand gently on Caleb’s shoulder before saying, “Come on, kiddo. Get up, let’s have something for dinner.” 

Caleb didn’t really want to get up, but he figured he had to before Molly came over, and now was as good a time as ever. He followed her into her little kitchen, and sat at the counter she’d pushed stools to for a table while she put things in the microwave. He ran things through his head, trying to decide on how to say it. He tried to construct a script, tried to plan it out. If he could recite it instead of just say it, he might feel it less. He ate the leftovers Nott gave him and he watched the door. He braided Nott’s hair when she asked him to, and he did the dishes. 

When Molly stepped into the apartment an hour later, all worried and snow dusted with a cold wind blowing in behind him and Caleb’s scarf around his neck, Caleb almost knew what to say. Almost. 

“Darling,” Molly said, eyes settling on Caleb as he swept into the apartment. “I’ve been so worried about you.” He threw his arms around Caleb, pulling him into a tight embrace. 

Caleb wasn’t sure if he could move, and he wasn’t sure if he wanted to. Molly was cold from being outside, and he smelled like snow and incense and he was so solid and so there that it made Caleb feel like things might turn out alright. “Sorry,” he murmured.

Molly took a tiny step back, just enough so he could look into Caleb’s eyes. “You’ve got to stop apologizing, remember?” He turned, going to Nott. “Sweetheart, thank you for having me.” 

“Any time,” Nott squeaked, letting Molly pull her into a hug. 

“Now, what is it you have to tell me?” Molly pulled one of the stools out and took a seat, setting his coat and the scarf on the counter.

“I’ll give you guys some privacy,” Nott whispered, and she disappeared into her room. 

Caleb sat down, and he tried to get into the right mindset as best as he could, and he relayed everything that he’d told Nott to Molly. The second time wasn’t much better, all the mental rehearsals hadn’t helped a lot. He still felt like he couldn’t breathe. He still shook, he still got choked up. 

And Molly listened. He listened, and he was quiet and unreadable. When Caleb was finished, he ran his hands through his hair and sighed. After a good minute of silence he said, quietly, “I am so, so sorry.”

Caleb nodded, eyes trained on the floor.

“Thank you for telling me,” Molly said. He looked nervous, he sounded uncomfortable. “I’ll kill that guy. Ikithon. If I ever see him he’s dead.” 

“He’s not worth it,” Caleb managed.

“You’re worth it,” Molly replied. 

“No, I’m not. You know what I did.” 

Molly didn’t say anything, but he laid a hand gently on Caleb’s cheek for a second.

Caleb closed his eyes, and Molly’s hand was gone too soon. When he thought he could speak again, he asked, “Will you do that again?”

“Caleb…” Molly said softly, and he took Caleb’s hand and stood up to give him a hug.

Caleb never wanted Molly to let go of him. He knew he only had a limited amount of time, minutes, maybe, before Molly told him that he didn’t want him anymore. He tried to memorize how Molly felt and how Molly smelled and how Molly held him because he knew he only had a minute. 

And a minute passed, and Molly didn’t say anything. Caleb felt tension build in his mind, threatening a headache, and the longer it was silent the worse it would be when Molly spoke. “Can you tell me how this changes things? Please?” he asked, scared to hear the answer. 

“Caleb,” Molly said, after a moment’s silence. “I will stay with you for as long as you want and I’ll hold you for as long as you want, but I can’t answer that. Not yet.” 

“What do you mean?” Caleb whispered. 

“I need time,” Molly said carefully, burying his hand in Caleb’s hair. “I need to think, does that make sense?”

“Yes.” Caleb thought if he had to wait another second, though, he might break down more than he already had. Molly hadn’t left yet, that was a good sign. Maybe it wasn’t. Maybe Molly was staying because he was scared. 

“I’ll call you,” Molly promised, “when I have it figured out.” 

Caleb was going to cry, he could feel it. He leaned his face harder into Molly’s shoulder and pretended he didn’t need to breathe. He felt like he couldn’t move, and he didn’t really want to, and he cried onto Molly’s shoulder because he hurt after having to think about what happened, and because of all the people he loved, he really couldn’t afford to lose Molly. He was already regretting saying anything. If he could turn back time, then it wouldn’t be a problem. Then nothing would be a problem. 

“Caleb,” Molly said after a while, “if there’s anything I can do, let me know.” 

“Can you tell me where I stand with you?” Caleb asked, and he knew he shouldn’t, because he’d already asked once, and he didn’t want Molly to be angry with him, but he couldn’t stop himself. Words hurt; his throat was raw.  

“I’ll be here for you whenever you need me to.” Molly ran a hand through Caleb’s hair. “That’s not changing. But you know I need to think about it. I won’t drop out on you, I swear. I just have to figure out what to do.” 

Caleb could pretend he knew what that meant, pretend it gave him a bit of comfort, if it meant not asking further. Maybe he could convince himself it was enough just to have Molly here now, and he didn’t have to know what would happen later. “Thank you,” he whispered. 

“There’s nothing to thank me for. You don’t have to thank me for caring,” Molly said firmly. “I care because I want to, okay?”

Caleb nodded. “Will you stay a little longer?”

Molly pressed a kiss to Caleb’s forehead. “I’ll stay a little longer.”


	27. 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for less frequent updates, class has started back up and i'm trying to work around that. after this chapter, there are only two more, which i should be able to get up monday and friday <3

Jester had gotten less and less angry at the Shusters as she got to know them. She went over to their place, they came over to hers, and they were really wonderful. A part of her wanted to hate them, but she knew it wasn’t really their fault. Wallace and Gilda were terrific, caring parents to the four children they already had, two of which were adopted, and they even reminded Jester a little bit of her mom. Sometimes, when she brought Kiri over for a visit, all the kids were home, and she got to watch them race through the house, including Kiri in whatever exciting game they played. 

She would sit in the living room or the dining room with Gilda and sometimes Wallace and they’d just talk, and she loved just talking. Sometimes not even about Kiri, sometimes just… life. Gilda assured Jester she knew how difficult it was going through what she was going through. Wallace promised her the kids already loved Kiri like a sister, and that they would be honored to have Jester over whenever she wanted to visit. 

And the Shusters’ kids really were great, as great as Wallace said they were. One of them, Layla, latched onto Kiri immediately, and whenever they were able to visit, they were inseparable. The other kids were good too, always kind and always open to sharing things with Kiri, or showing her around, or telling her whatever they had on their minds. None of them ever wanted her to leave when Jester brought her back home. 

One of those nights, Kiri even mentioned it on the car ride home. She’d said how she wished she could have stayed a little longer. And Jester knew then that she was doing the right thing, even though it was hard, and it hurt. 

With the Shusters, Kiri would have a more normal life. She would have both a mother and a father, she would have siblings to go through school with her, to be her friends before she even had the chance to make new ones. She would have a house, not just an apartment, and moreover a much steadier and larger income to take care of her. She would be as happy as she was when she played with the Shuster kids, but all the time. She’d be happier, she’d be safer, she’d grow up to be better. It broke Jester’s heart, but she was committed to doing what was best for Kiri, even if it meant letting her go. 

And when that day came, a bright Saturday morning, the blaring sun threatening to melt the greying snow that had accumulated over the past month, Jester told herself that she was ready. That she could say goodbye. That she’d still be able to visit. That maybe it wouldn’t be that bad. She knew that it would be hard, of course. She knew that she wouldn’t be able to go into the room she’d made up for Kiri without breaking down, at least not for a while. The house would seem so, so empty. 

Jester sat in the back with Kiri, and Fjord drove the twenty minutes to the Shusters’. Kiri was talking animatedly the whole time, first about a book she’d read at the library and then about a game she was planning to play with the Shuster kids. If she knew what was happening, she wasn’t letting it show. 

It hit Jester then that Kiri had come so, so far since they first met. When she saw Kiri for the first time, the kid was scared to get off her bed, let alone interact with anything. Now, she was talking, talking without being asked a question or prompted by anyone, and she was smiling, and she was sitting without hugging herself like she was scared she’d slip away. Jester recalled what Molly told her. That she had changed Kiri’s life for the better. And god, that was what mattered. That was what she tried to hold onto. 

They parked in the driveway, walked up the Shuster’s front steps. Fjord had Kiri’s bags over his shoulder, and Jester held Kiri’s hand. They rang the doorbell. Gilda welcomed them inside. It was so fractured, each second its own memory of visuals, of sensations. Of feelings. 

Fjord set the luggage down, and Jester knew that it was time for her to say goodbye. She knelt down, taking both of Kiri’s hands. “Hey, Kiri,” she said quietly, feeling not just Fjord’s but the Shuster family’s eyes on her. 

“Hey,” Kiri said back. She had this little smile on her face, and she kept looking back over her shoulder at Gail or Layla or one of the other kids. 

“So, I love you,” Jester said. She didn’t know how to say goodbye. Her throat was getting tight as she bit her tongue in an attempt not to cry. 

“I know,” Kiri said gently, her voice dropping in volume to match Jester’s. 

“Do you love it here?” Jester whispered, gesturing briefly around. 

Kiri’s eyes went wide, and she nodded, her grip on Jester’s hands tightening. 

“If I told you you were staying here,” Jester said carefully, “would you be happy?”

A tear slipped down Kiri’s cheek, and she sighed a little sigh as she nodded. 

“I still love you,” Jester promised quickly, wiping Kiri’s face. “I always, always will, and I’m not leaving you, I just- have to let you go, okay?”

Kiri nodded again. 

“And you’re going to have so much fun here,” Jester said, trying to sound happy. She was happy, just not unreservedly. “It’s just going to be awesome.” 

Kiri dropped Jester’s hands to give her a hug, arms tight around Jester’s shoulders. 

“Oh,” Jester crooned, hugging Kiri back. “I am going to miss you so much, my little-” She stopped herself, just barely. She’d almost said it, she’d almost called Kiri her sapphire. She had to take a mental step back, remind herself that one, that wasn’t the only term of affection, and two, Kiri wasn’t her daughter. She wasn’t Kiri’s mom. “My little Kiri,” she amended. 

“I miss you too,” Kiri said fiercely, not letting go. 

Jester kissed her cheek. “Kiri-”

“I love you,” Kiri added. 

Jester leaned back, looking Kiri up and down. “We’re not saying goodbye, are we?”

“No.” Kiri shook her head firmly. 

“Because we’re still going to hang out all the time, right?”

“Right.” Kiri held out a hand. 

Jester took it, and they shook. “Alright,” she said. “Go play, and I’ll catch you before we leave.”

Kiri nodded, pulled Jester’s hand to her cheek in that way she did, and then turned, running off into the house with the Shuster kids. 

Jester stood, feeling Fjord’s hands on her shoulders. She reached up and touched one, just to let him know she was okay. She would be okay. 

Gilda came over and pulled Jester into a hug, whispering a, “We’ll take care of her. I promise,” into Jester’s hair. 

“I know,” Jester whispered back. 

She and Fjord spend an hour or so double checking and making sure they had everything, and that Gilda and Wallace knew everything they needed to, and completing the little bit of small talk they felt it was necessary to have. When they deemed it time to go, they corralled Kiri away from the other kids for a moment. 

“Alright, Kiri,” Jester said, taking a deep breath. She had a bunch of different things planned out, what she would say, how she would say it. She tried to quickly organize them into a linear, coherent speech. 

“See you later,” Kiri said surely, before Jester could speak further. She smiled. 

“See you later,” Jester repeated, and that said everything. She kissed the top of Kiri’s head and waited by the door while Fjord said goodbye. 

Minutes later as they walked hand in hand back down the steps to the driveway, they could already hear the shrieks and giggles of a new game starting up among the kids. Jester smiled. 

“You okay?” Fjord asked, opening the passenger door for her before getting into the car himself. 

“Yeah,” Jester said. “Yeah, I’m… I’m good.” She hadn’t cried. Fjord had, a little. “You?”

“I think so.” Fjord didn’t say anything else until they were driving again, upon which he said, “She’s happy, huh?” It was more of just a conversation re-starter than anything; he knew that Kiri was happy with the Shusters. 

Jester nodded, watching the side of the road speed by as they got back onto the highway. She had expected to feel heartbroken, and devastated, and she just… wasn’t. She was satisfied. She was happy, even, knowing that she had done the absolute best for Kiri that she could have, and that Kiri was somewhere she loved, and that they could visit whenever they wanted. She often tried not to use the word, but it was perfect. “I wish I was as brave as her,” she mused.

Fjord chuckled his warm, friendly, gentle chuckle. 

“What?” Jester pressed, looking over at him. 

“Nothing, I just- it’s funny,” he said, hand going up to trace his scar. “I always wish I was as brave as you.” 

“You’re kidding,” Jester exclaimed, giving his shoulder a gentle punch. “I love you.” 

“I love you, too,” Fjord replied. 

There was a moment of silence in which Jester just sort of watched him, watched how concentrated he was as he drove. “Are you thinking what I’m thinking?”

“Hm?”

Jester fiddled with the hem of her skirt, because maybe he wasn’t thinking what she was thinking. “That someday we’re going to be-”

“The best parents ever?” Fjord looked over at her for a fraction of a second, eyes sort of wide and hopeful, before his attention snapped back to the road ahead of them. 

“Yep.” Jester pretended like she knew he was going to say it, like she knew he was going to read her mind, but her heart swelled in her chest, and she felt warm and complete. “Totally.” 

“Totally,” Fjord repeated. Without taking his eyes off the road, he held out a hand to her. 

She took it, and she could see a future. 


	28. 28

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> expect the final chapter monday !

Caleb moved back into his apartment after another few days, when he thought he could function at a base level on his own. Nott had driven him and his cat home, and given them both a kiss on the nose before leaving. It wasn’t until Frumpkin started to cry that Caleb realized he would miss living with Nott too. He settled back into his old routine, even though things felt skewed. He was more alone again, which he thought he’d be able to handle. He was good at isolation. At least, he had been. Apparently he wasn’t anymore, though, because after just a week he called Molly and invited him over under the pretense of finishing that book they’d been reading together. Under those same pretenses, Molly accepted. 

Caleb hadn’t seen him since that night at Nott’s. He tried not to overthink it, tried not to rehearse what he’d say or plan what he’d do. He made tea, and he found the book and put it on the table. He wiped his hands on his jeans. He resisted the urge to run away. 

He went to the bathroom and tried to look at himself in the mirror. He looked at his hair and he looked at the collar of his sweater. He couldn’t look himself in the eyes. He resisted the urge to run away. 

The doorbell rang, and he couldn’t run away even if he wanted to because his apartment only had one other way out, and he didn’t trust himself to be on the fire escape. He went and he answered the door like a man that was whole, and he pretended he didn’t feel anything when Molly kissed his cheek in greeting. “So,” he said, “I have your book, if you want to…”

“Caleb, if it’ll make you happy I’ll read till I go blind.” Molly smiled, brushing a piece of Caleb’s hair out of his eyes. “But I was hoping we could talk a little first, if you don’t mind.”

Caleb’s heart sunk, and a feeling of dread settled into his mind. This was it, then; this was when Molly was going to let him go. He made himself nod. “I don’t,” he said, and even though it would probably be better if they didn’t talk, part of him was longing to know what Molly would say. He couldn’t wait to hear how horrible he was. He followed Molly to the couch, and tried to stop grinding his teeth. 

“This may take a little while,” Molly said carefully, picking Frumpkin up and settling the cat in his lap. “It was a just lot to process.” He sighed. “Caleb, I was scared after you told me that. I still am, but for different- it’s different now. But when I sat through that I was- it was terrifying. Not you, of course. Never you. Just… the situation. What you did. Why you did it.” 

Caleb’s nails were biting into his palms, and he couldn’t make himself look at Molly. 

“And I went home and I thought about it,” Molly continued. “I thought about it and thought about it, and I’m still thinking about it, sort of, but I came to a bit of a conclusion. And it’s that I believe people can change. I’m not saying you were really even you when you did that, but you’re not- you don’t have to be tethered to all the guilt, and all the self hatred.” 

Caleb let out a breath he hadn’t known he was holding. 

“I completely understand that you can’t just move on from something like that, but you can stop identifying with it,” said Molly. “You can stop hurting yourself because you think you deserve it, because, Caleb, you don’t.” He let the cat back down onto the ground. 

Caleb knew that Molly was lying, but he couldn’t figure out why. “I do,” he said. 

“No, you don’t,” Molly said, voice gentle and lilting as ever. “The person who did what you’re punishing yourself for wasn’t you. It was a combination of drugs and manipulation and other things that make you not you.”

“But it was me,” Caleb argued, because it was. He could remember the way the wind smelled that day, he could remember the match between his fingers. It was him. 

“No it wasn’t,” Molly said surely. “Not the Caleb I know. The Caleb I know gets excited about bookstores, and long car rides, and he loves his cat. The Caleb I know gave Beau a place to stay when hers wasn’t safe anymore, and you gave me your scarf when it was snowing, and you’re still trying to teach me how to read even though we both know it’s not really fucking working. I know you, and if you had been sober and clean you would not have started that fire.”

Ever since Caleb got out of the institution, he could easily define his mind. It was a pool, and each bad thought and each impulse was a pebble that fell in, sending ripples through and disrupting how it was supposed to work. And it was never still. It never worked how it was supposed to work. There was always a thought, always a bit of fear or a need to escape or one of his senses tricking him into thinking there was a fire. And now there wasn’t. There wasn’t a ripple, there wasn’t anything. He could think. He could put himself back in time, he could run through the events of that day, and he could say, safely, even, that if he’d been his own then, he wouldn’t have done it. A tear slipped down his cheek. 

“Oh, hey, hey, hey.” Molly brought a hand to Caleb’s face, both his voice and his touch the most comforting, soft things in the world. “It’s alright, right?”

Caleb couldn’t remember what alright was. But he couldn’t smell smoke. He couldn’t hear fire. He wouldn’t have burned the house down, if he had a choice. Because that was it, he’d never really had a choice. He nodded. 

“I’ve looked up to you for a long time,” Molly murmured. “Never more than now.” He paused, sort of rubbing his thumb over Caleb’s cheek. “That’s all I had to say. We can read, now, if you want.”

Caleb nodded again, not wanting to move too much lest Molly let go of him. 

“Oh, and that I love you,” Molly added. “I know you know, I just- this is a reminder, I suppose. Wanted to say it. I’m stupid about things like that, I need to say them.” He was looking down, though, and his face looked flushed. 

Caleb was in love, and he was the opposite of Molly- he was stupid about things in that he couldn’t say them. “Thank you,” he said, and he couldn’t get over how clear his mind was. How easy it was to think. He was sure it wouldn’t last, but maybe it could be a stepping stone to being more functional. A little bit at a time. “Really, thank you.” 

“Thank you,” Molly returned, a smile growing on his face.

“For?” 

Molly shrugged. “Everything. Being so good and so brave. Thanks for being my Caleb, I guess. I’d hate to have anyone else.” 

Caleb wasn’t sure how to react, what Molly wanted from him, how Molly couldn’t see how head over heels he was, especially hearing things like that. 

“Are we okay? Is everything okay?” Molly asked, smile still hanging on a little bit. 

“Yeah, everything is-” Caleb had to stop, so he could smile too. He was happy; he was actually happy. “Yeah. Okay.”

“Caleb, if I-” Molly sighed, bringing a hand up to cover his eyes for a moment. “If I kiss you now will you please not tell me to forget it?”

Whatever Caleb could try to say caught in his throat, and he felt his face burn. He couldn’t take his eyes off Molly, no matter how hard he tried, and Molly’s request hung in the air like smoke. He shook his head slightly, and leaned a little bit closer, and Molly’s mouth was on his. 

It was like he remembered, but better. There was no panic or fear this time, and that made for a nicer kiss. So did Molly’s hand on the nape of his neck. He could feel it in his stomach, which with another person might have made him nervous, but with Molly, who he trusted, it just made it better. He kissed Molly to make up for their first kiss, and he kissed Molly for all the times he wished he had and he didn’t, and he kissed Molly because he loved him. He realized that he could probably kiss Molly forever, if Molly let him. 

Molly didn’t, finally leaning back out of it. “We should be reading, yes?”

“I love you, Molly,” Caleb said, and he waited to feel guilty and he waited to regret it, but he didn’t. That part of it never hit. He could finally say it- that if anyone deserved to be loved, it was Molly, and he would gladly be the one to do it. 

Molly nodded. “If you mean that the way I hope you mean it,” he said quietly, “I’ve never heard that before.” 

“What?” It shocked Caleb, it seemed impossible. 

“Yeah, I’ve only-” Molly waved a hand, like it wasn’t important. “I can only remember a couple of years. And I haven’t- I said I was still nervous, and this is why. I’ve never had it this bad for anyone. Ever. I do hookups and that, but I never get to reach the part when someone falls in love with me. People get scared, or bored, or…” He was looking down, picking at his nail polish. “Yeah.” 

“Well, I think I mean it the way you hope I mean it,” Caleb admitted. 

“Now that we’re saying things,” Molly said, actually blushing, “I liked you the first day you showed up. I thought you were reserved and handsome and I just wanted to know all your secrets.”

Caleb looked over at him. “And now that you know them?”

“I like you even more.” Molly shrugged. “It makes you even braver, you know? That’s why I like scars. They prove you’re stronger than whatever tried to hurt you, they prove you’re a survivor. And, Caleb, you’ve been hiding that scar for a long time.” 

Molly was right- he had been hiding it. And lying about it, and tricking people into thinking he was a better person than he really was. 

“Let’s stop being ashamed you let it happen and start being proud you made it through, alright?” Molly took Caleb’s hand. “No one will think less of you, no one will cut you out. I like the whole you better than the one I couldn’t comfort because I didn’t know how.” 

Caleb finally met Molly’s eyes, and he nodded. “I’ll try. I won’t lie to you again.” 

“No pressure, though.” Molly laughed a sort of anxious, breathy laugh.

“Yeah, right.” Caleb smiled. “Molly, are we…?”

“We’re whatever you want us to be.” Molly looked up at Caleb. “I’ll be honest, though, I’ve never been together together with anyone before, and I’d sort of like to try it.”

“It’s settled then, yeah?” Caleb tried not to smile, but it was so hard, and he was pretty sure his heart shouldn’t be beating as fast as it was. “We’ll see if together works.”

“Perfect.” Molly pressed a quick kiss to Caleb’s cheek. “Alright, I’m sorry, but if we don’t finish this fucking book I don’t know what I’ll do. I’m going to grab Frumpkin, I’ll be right back.” 

The slight tremor in Molly’s voice matched how Caleb felt; a lot of nervous energy, a little overwhelmed, but in a good way. Disbelief, but in a good way. Caleb waited until Molly had left the room in search of the cat before pulling out his phone and relaying, as coherently as he could, what had happened to Nott. Then he thumbed through the book, not focusing on anything, just so he’d look like he was doing something. Really, he was just thinking, thinking about how now, when anyone saw Molly, they’d be seeing his partner, and everything that came with that. It was enough to put him in the best mindset he’d been in for weeks. 

Molly wandered back into the room, the cat in one hand and his phone in the other. “So, Beau says you should break up with me while you have the chance.” He chuckled, sitting down next to Caleb and situating Frumpkin in his lap.

Caleb flipped the book open to where they’d left off, and put an arm around Molly. “Tell her never.” 

They sat together on the couch and read, like they had before, except now everything was different. They were a little more intertwined, and it was alright, because they could do things like that now without any of the anxiety or guilt. The biggest difference for Caleb was that he could say he was in love, and he could say it as much as he wanted, and it would be fine, because he knew that Molly was in love with him back. He felt like he’d been underwater for a long time, for years, and he could finally get a breath. 


	29. 29

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> last chapter last chapter last chapter

Going to group would be different. It was the first meeting since Jester brought Kiri to her new family, it was the first meeting since Caleb told anyone about what happened to him. It would just be new. Caleb went with Nott, like he always did, and exchanged small talk with her on the ride over, looking through the trinkets and rocks she’d stashed on her dashboard. She told him he could take any of them, if he wanted one, or two, or four. He took a smooth, pretty rock, because she seemed excited when he took an interest in them, and because having one more thing to remind him of her couldn’t hurt. 

He followed the familiar path from the parking lot to the room Jester held the group in, Nott a few steps behind him as she usually was. Seeing all his friends gathered in the room was comforting and warm- Yasha was braiding Beau’s hair in some fancy way, Molly was draped across rather than sitting in an armchair, glaring at his phone, and Jester and Fjord were engaged in a conversation that had them both smiling. He batted the friendly punch Beau threw at him away, he leaned down so Molly could kiss his cheek. 

He took a seat, and Nott sat next to him, leaning against him, and he reached over the arm of the couch and Molly reached over the arm of his chair so they could hold hands. 

“Okay,” Jester said, looking around at them all. “So, everyone’s here, we wanted to tell you that Fjord is moving in! The house is really empty without Kiri, so…”

“Rent’ll be better too,” Fjord put in, looking down in an attempt to hide the blush on his cheeks. 

“Yeah, but you’re not doing it for rent, you’re doing it because you love me,” Jester teased, drawing out the ‘love’. 

Fjord nodded, and the rest of the room put in their congratulations and their excitement, their ‘about time’s and their ‘no fucking way’s. Caleb settled back into watching, which was what he always did. He was comfortable this way, and with this group, no one would expect more from him. 

He looked around at them all as their conversation strayed from topic to topic, and he noticed that since she asked Beau out, Yasha had started wearing a blue ribbon tied into one of her many braids, the same blue that Beau wore nearly every day. He knew that Beau had been smiling a whole lot more lately, and when he compared how she’d been when she showed up at his door, shivering and quiet, to how she was now, he was just filled with an indomitable sense of pride. He, of course, had noticed when he first came to group how wary Fjord was of contact, and now seeing him cuddled up with Jester made Caleb smile. Jester was wearing short sleeves, which she never used to do, and Caleb thought, of course, of what Molly told him about scars. Molly, naturally, was gorgeous and comfortable and at home wherever he was, and Caleb still couldn’t really breathe while looking at him, in the best way. He couldn’t look at Nott without smiling, because of the way she laughed at Yasha’s bad jokes and the way she grabbed his sleeve when she started talking about him and the way she grinned the whole time they were in that room. He was so proud of them all, he loved them all so much, and, just then, really, he realized that he trusted them. 

He’d trusted them individually, at different times over the past few months, but it hadn’t been a revelation. It hadn’t been something that had really hit him, and most of the times he hadn’t even noticed it. But he was noticing it now for sure. It was so foreign to him to think that he trusted anyone as much as he did the people in that room. He hadn’t actively trusted anyone, not since his parents, not since he made the mistake years ago of trusting the wrong person. It was surprising, now. It was frightening, that was his first thought, but he made himself override it with the fact that none of them would ever hurt him, and he knew it. He realized, looking around at them all, that trust could be a good thing. 

When the time came for them to head off to whatever else they had planned for that night, Nott gave Caleb a gentle nudge, breaking his reverie. “Hey, kiddo, I’m going with Jester and the girls. If you need anything, text me.” 

“Don’t drive if you drink anything,” he reminded her, following her to the door. “Call a cab, yes?”

Nott smiled. “I know.” She kissed his cheek and let Jester grab her hand and pull her out the door.

“Be safe,” he called after them, watching them disappear down the stairs. 

“I’ll make sure everyone gets home alright,” Yasha promised him quietly, before following the other girls out of the room. 

Caleb watched her go fondly, knowing that she would look after them all probably a little too intently. 

“She’s a charm, Yasha,” Molly said, offering Fjord a hand up. They both went over and joined Caleb at the door. 

Caleb nodded in agreement. 

They all sort of moved down the stairs and out of the building together, not exchanging many words. Fjord gave them each a gentlemanly goodbye and a warm handshake before heading off to his truck. 

Caleb trailed Molly to his car, still mostly stuck in his own thoughts. 

“Looks like more snow, doesn’t it?” Molly gestured up towards the sky, and it truly did look like a storm was brewing- it was all white and heavy and completely clouded over. He grinned. “If we get enough, there’s an excuse to stay in all day and watch TV.”

“I’m not big on TV,” Caleb returned, but anything that made Molly happy was more than good enough for him, and as long as he was spending time with Molly, it didn’t really matter what they were doing. 

“Not even Christmas specials? It’s nearly Christmas, there should be some of those on,” Molly gave the sky one last reckless look before getting into his car. 

Caleb settled into the passenger seat, putting a hand over the little vents on the dashboard that heated the car. “You know I don’t do Christmas,” he said quietly. “But if we get a good bit of snow tomorrow I’ll sit through a few of those for you.” 

“It’s just for sentimental value, really,” Molly said, pulling out of the parking lot. “We don’t have to if you don’t want to.”

“If you want to I want to.” 

Molly shook his head. “You know I love you, right?”

“I might be aware of that, yes,” Caleb replied, smiling. 

Molly laughed, reaching over to take Caleb’s hand. “So.”

“So.” Caleb looked at him, and fell in love all over again.

“Let’s pick a street,” Molly said, anticipation heavy on his words, “and let’s drive.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> to those of you who stuck with this story through all the months it took to post- thank you so much !! i hope it was worth the wait <3

**Author's Note:**

> find me on tumblr @belkittykelly !


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